Sometimes we wonder if Girls Aloud even know the basic rules of pop – you certainly wouldn’t know it to look at them.
If they followed the rules, then Girls Aloud would have split up three years ago, with one of them having a marginally successful solo career, three of them ending up as reality TV show fodder and the fifth one disappearing from sight and porking out a bit. The rules suggest that this would be the ginger one.
But, hey, better late than never – turns out that everyone in Girls Aloud hates Nadine so much that they might be splitting up.
For a manufactured girlband from a reality TV show, Girls Aloud have shown incredible longevity in their career, and this is down to all of them having clearly identifiable personalities. For example, there’s the skinny blonde one, the skinny brunette one, the skinny ginger one, the skinny Irish one and, um, whoever’s left.
There are several other reasons why Girls Aloud haven’t split up yet, too, including the facts that a) one of them is always in the papers because her footballer husband apparently vomited WKD down a slag’s tits during intercourse, b) they’ve got a sonic magician for a producer and c) the one who can sing hasn’t worked out that she’d make more money as a solo artist.
Except she might have done. According to the News Of The World, Girls Aloud are dangerously close to splitting up because dear old Nadine Coyle can’t decide if she wants to be in the group or not and everyone hates her for it:
A close friend of Kimberley, who used to be Nadine?s best pal, told me: ?The other four can't stand her these days because they feel her heart isn't in the band. Cheryl and Kimberley are now best friends, which Nadine has found quite hurtful. She's become very distant and seems to resent the time she has to spend in London away from her new base in LA. Getting her to show up for things can be very difficult.”
It’s easy to see why this has happened – all of Girls Aloud have found other things to do with their time in recent years. Cheryl Cole is now contractually obliged to appear on a TV show once a week and cry whenever a crap-haired barefoot idiot gets voted out and a boy who looks like four kilos of meat pate stuffed into a pair of old lady’s tights hugs her, Kimberley seems like she’s contractually obliged to turn up on the same show every third week and do the same and the other two are… well, look, let’s not pretend that anyone cares about the other two, shall we?
But it’s Nadine who’s made the biggest leap – she’s been in LA ever since she got a taste of the limelight by kissing the boy mannequin from Desperate Housewives until he turned to drink, so no wonder everyone else is having trouble getting her to spend her summer weekends miming Love Machine in Bognor Regis sandwiched on a bill between McFly and The Hoosiers for the benefit of Alexa Titting Chung.
However, we should look on the bright side here – stories about Girls Aloud splitting up roll along every year like clockwork, so we shouldn’t take this news too seriously. The worst case scenario is that Nadine Coyle will leave Girls Aloud and the other four will plough on without her. And that’s not so bad.
After all, when Geri Halliwell left the Spice Girls, they still managed to release one badly-selling album. And when Kym left Hear’Say they still managed to release one badly-selling single. And when Paul Cattermole left S Club 7 they still managed to release one badly-selling album and one barely-watched film so, um…
On the plus side, we hear Matalan is hiring.
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robert howes says
i think you misjudge the popularity of Nicola Roberts,she is brilliant.your quote “no one cares about other two” is wrong
Georgie Reik says
Just wanted to say Cheryl, Kimberly, Sarah and Nicola well done for just carraying on if Nadines being a stropy cow. She is probably jealous as Cheryl and Kimberly are friends because she used to be but then she dumped them. I have got Cheryl Coles real live mail email adress! I have even got a poster of you in my room and one of Cheryl on her own who is my fave!!!!!!!!!
Lizzie Tweedy says
Nadine get a life for god sake just stop being such a bich.