Jesse Metcalfe is many things to different people – to some he's the robot-faced boy from Desperate Housewives, to others he's the robot-faced boyfriend of Girls Aloud – but we suspect that nobody ever has thought of Jesse Metcalfe as a drunk.
Actually, that's not true – it's probably more of a case of nobody in the universe caring about Jesse Metcalfe enough to wonder if he's a drunk or not – but we just get the suspicion that Jesse Metcalfe doesn't drink a lot, for two primary reasons. 1) Jesse Metcalfe resembles a waxwork mannequin so precisely that we doubt he's even got a throat or stomach, and 2) last weekend Jesse Metcalfe got drunk and threw the kind of alarmingly befuddled boozy tantrum that you'd expect from a six-year-old after half a glass of mummy's cooking sherry. And then went to rehab because of it.
Some people have very good reasons to go to rehab like, say, a propensity for shaving your hair off, writing 666 across your scalp, loudly wailing about how you're the devil and then trying to kill yourself. Other fairly decent reasons for going to rehab include a daily intake of 60 cigarettes, 36 double espressos, 20 cans of Red Bull and heaps of Seroxat, habitual cocaine use that stems from being in a shit band and starring in Miami Vice. These are all acceptable ways to get into rehab. If you call a pretend doctor a faggot you don't need to go to rehab, and chances are you don't need to if you're Jesse Metcalfe either.
Oh come on. You know who Jesse Metcalfe is. Jesse Metcalfe is the apparent boyfriend of the least objectionable member of Girls Aloud, and he also played a wax android gardener in Desperate Housewives. It was the Desperate Housewives job that made Jesse Metcalfe famous, in fact, because he managed to spend time on the Desperate Housewives set without breaking his ribs or poking glass into his eye or getting pregnant or falling in love with Michael Bolton or showing everyone his penis or shaving his vagina, which you have to agree is a rare feat.
But anyway – even if you don't know who Jesse Metcalfe is, remember this: Jesse Metcalfe is an angry drunk. So angry, in fact, that he's gone to rehab to fix himself up after going on a bender, as E! Online reports:
Former Desperate Housewives star Jesse Metcalfe entered an undisclosed rehab facility Monday in order to "deal with alcohol issues." "He realized he had a problem and was anxious to deal with it immediately," the actor's rep told the New York Post, adding that he "hopes that the media will allow him the privacy to deal properly with his treatment."… According to E! Online's Ted Casablanca, Metcalfe hit up no fewer than four clubs in Los Angeles Saturday night, making stops at Area, Mood—at which he was joined by British Girls Aloud girl-bander girlfriend Nadine Coyle—Element and Xenii before calling it a night. During the weekend, a slew of reports also surfaced that the actor's erratic, drunken behavior at L.A. hotel Mondrian on Friday night resulted in his getting banned from the property after yelling at the doorman of Skybar.
What. A. Lightweight. Jesse Metcalfe basically went to four clubs, had a bit to drink and shouted at a bouncer – and he's in rehab for that? Chuck in a kebab, a bottle-fight and an embarrassing incident with an unconvincing transvestite and that's a normal night out for hecklerspray. One night we even kept drinking until 9am at which point we went straight to work – and we didn't need to go to rehab. True, we weren't allowed to pilot another commercial aircraft after that, but we didn't go to rehab.
On the other hand, maybe we should go easy on Jesse Metcalfe. Although it's easy to make jokes about the paper-thin reasoning behind his visit to rehab, if we had been the star of John Tucker Must Die we'd have probably picked up a drinking problem or two as well.
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