All break-ups must be difficult, but it probably stings a bit more if your ugly, almost-pensionable husband leaves you for a funny-looking Swiss lady.
Which is why Shania Twain is hurting so bad at the moment, because her 14-year marriage to Mutt Lange ended when he apparently started having it off with a woman who, to all intents and purposes, looks like a fire-damaged Sandra Bernhard bobblehead doll.
But if anyone can keep Shania Twain’s spirits up it’s her fans, all of whom Shania has sincerely thanked from the bottom of her heart in a message on her website. Don’t get too excited, though, because Shania Twain makes it perfectly that her heart has been broken into tiny pieces. So she’s thanking you from the bottom of something that doesn’t even work properly. What a massive bitch.
Regular readers of hecklerspray will know that sympathy isn’t exactly our strong point, but gosh darn it if we aren’t feeling a crumb of sympathy for Shania Twain at the moment. Or is it wind? Wait… OK, false alarm, it was wind. Panic over.
But it’s not hard to feel a teensy bit sorry for Shania Twain. The poor woman’s spent 14 years putting up with people pulling her to one side and saying “Is that your husband? The really old, weird-looking unkempt tramp over there whose name means ‘inferior dog’? Is he holding you hostage? Would you like me to contact the authorities?” and now the bastard’s dumped her.
Not just that, but it looks very much like Mutt Lange left Shania Twain for their house manager, a woman named Marie-Anne Thiébaud who looks a bit like a tubby Terrahawk. And for the woman who once performed a song called That Don’t Impress Me Much – full title That Don’t Impress Me Much For I Am Married To Mutt Lange, A Virile Lion Of A Man Who, Admittedly, Does Look A Bit Funny – that can only equal heartache.
How much heartache? Well, luckily for us Shania Twain has described exactly how much her life is crumbling around her in harrowing detail via a message on her website. Which is nice, because if there’s one thing we hate it’s nonspecific celebrity misery. Here’s what Shania had to say:
As I am sure you have seen or heard; I am going through a rough time personally in my life. I wanted you all to know that I could not be getting through this without you. Your letters, emails and words of encouragement give me strength. Your overwhelming support reminds me to smile, no matter how deep the pain and to always be grateful for all the beautiful blessings in my life. I have so much to say but I know the best way for me to speak is through my music. This is my therapy, my passion, and my love. I look forward to sharing it with all of you as I begin this new journey. I need some time to heal this broken heart but make no mistake; I will be back and hopefully stronger than ever. Thank you my friends, from the bottom of my heart.
Hey Shania, here’s a hint – referring to a bunch of people you’ve never met as your ‘friends’ is weird and creepy and stinks of desperation. What next, Shania, are you going to make them all your Facebook friends as well? Are you going to let them poke you? Everyone knows that having strangers as Facebook friends is the last resort for the terminally lonely. OK, bad example.
Anyway, if the whole ‘probably cheating on Shania Twain with a much uglier woman’ thing hasn’t put you off Mutt Lange for good, then have another read of Shania’s message. That’s right – she’s getting back into music because of his deception. Oh you’ll pay for this Lange. You’ll pay good.