Do you want the good news or the bad news? Well tough, there isn’t any bad news. There’s good news and great news – Michael Bolton is single!
Yes, that solitary fact is both good news and great news. Read it again. Michael Bolton is single. Michael. Bolton. Is. Single. Michael Bolton is single! We’ll have to make this brief because we want to spray our nads with Old Spice and form an orderly queue outside Michael Bolton’s house with the rest of the hormone-ravaged ladies. Everyone wins!
OK, maybe it isn’t particularly good news for Desperate Housewives star Nicollette Sheridan, because Michael Bolton only became single after breaking off his engagement to her and she’s probably wallowing around up to her knockers in self-pity as a result. But then it’s probably her fault for having a difficult-to-spell first name, the big cow.
Nicollette Sheridan has always been our least favourite Desperate Housewife and, yes, that is mainly to do with how she spells her name. Look Nicollette, double up all of the letters in your christian name or none at all. It’s either Nicolete or Nniiccoolleettee. Make your mind up and stop wasting our time. Grr.
But also our irrational dislike of Nicollette Sheridan is down to how bloody smug she looks. You can imagine her swanning around the Desperate Housewives set in the knowledge that everyone’s seen Marcia’s tits and Teri’s got shards of glass in her eye and Eva’s husband is crap at sex and the other one’s married to a man who looks like a water vole, all while she’s engaged to Michael Bolton.
Yes, the Michael Bolton – giant-haired performer of hits like How Can We Be Lovers If We Can’t Be Friends and Can I Touch You… There. No wonder Nicollette Sheridan was the envy of the world, or at least the part of the world who hadn’t just assumed that Michael Bolton was dead or incapacitated somehow.
Nicollette and Michael have enjoyed an on again off again relationship, getting together in the 1990s before splitting up and then getting back together and becoming engaged in 2006. But now it’s over, it’s definitely over forever and that’s that.
That’s literally that – there aren’t any juicy inside details or anything, Michael Bolton and Nicollette Sheridan were engaged and now they’re not – so here’s BBC News with some inane non-news anyway:
The 44-year-old actress, who plays Edie Britt in Desperate Housewives, was born in Worthing, West Sussex. Bolton, 55, has sold more than 50 million records.
So what now for Nicollette Sheridan and Michael Bolton? Well, chances are Nicollette will plunge herself into work and keep making more episodes of Desperate Housewives until every person on Earth has completely forgotten that it even exists and Michael Bolton will probably just go off and honk into his saxophone like some sort of rubbish wanker.
No wait. That’s Curtis Stigers isn’t it? Pfff.