Good news, girls – Hugh Hefner, the richest, sexiest, most prolifically sleazy frail old doddery 82-year-old man on Earth, is single again.

Apparently Hugh Hefner has been dumped his number one girlfriend Holly Madison – a woman 54 years younger than him who looks like she was reared in a battery-farm for titty bimbos – and all because Hugh refused to marry her.

Touchingly, Hugh Hefner seems quite sad about the split. There’s no need for him to be – after all, he shouldn’t forget the old saying ‘there are plenty more opportunistic young women who’ve mutilated their bodies for the sake of beauty that are willing to fellate a very old man even though it clearly disgusts them on the off-chance that he’ll write them into his will and make them rich when he dies’. Um, ‘in the sea’.

Hugh Hefner has lived the male dream to the letter. Boys, at one point or another, haven’t we all wished that we could grow old trapped in a gaudy shrine to our own sleaziness surrounded by women who are effectively paid to have a fleeting superficial interest in us in a way that keeps highlighting our chronic inability to form genuine emotional bonds with people? Well, haven’t we?

Of course we have. Hugh Hefner is a lucky man.

Lucky, but sad. Although last year Hugh Hefner vowed to settle down with his girlfriend Holly Madison, it looks like that relationship has hit the skids. Apparently Holly Madison left Hugh Hefner because he refused to marry her and she was insulted by his lack of commitment, not the way that she wouldn’t automatically get half of his stuff as soon as he dies in the next couple of years.

And although Hugh Hefner has made his career by playing Mr Free And Easy, it seems like he’s actually really quite glum about being dumped by an utterly indistinguishable sexbot young enough to be his granddaughter. AP reports:

“If Holly says it’s over, I guess it’s over… She’s still here in the house. Until a few days ago, we were still sharing the same bed… There’s been moments that I’ve been down in the dumps about all this, and (personal assistant) Mary (O’Connor) told me to cheer up and pointed out that there are girls lined up outside the front gate. At my age, that’s hard to believe, but it seems to be true.”

That’s the spirit, Hugh! Up and at ‘em again! Holly Madison may have broken your heart, but there are 50 other girls who look exactly like her, talk exactly like her and give off that exact same creepy golddigger vibe as her, and they’re all desperate to ride your brittle, increasingly gaunt skeleton until one of you dislocates something.

So pick yourself up, Hugh Hefner, down a couple of handfuls of viagra and get right back in the saddle again. You mustn’t die of a broken heart!

At least not while you’re so close to getting Miley Cyrus to show you her boobs, anyway.