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celebrity relationships

Pink Divorcing Her Husband After All These Two Years

by Stuart Heritage

Pink’s last album might have been called I’m Not Dead, but her marriage certainly is – dead as a flipping doornail.

It’s just been reported that Pink and her husband Carey Hart are divorcing after two years of happy, split rumour-filled, years. Although Pink and Carey Hart have said that they’re still great friends despite the break-up, it’s no surprise that their marriage didn’t last on reflection.

After all, it must be hard to be married to a woman who looks like she could quite easily beat you in an arm-wrestling match.

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Bai Ling Only Went Robbing Because She Was Sad

by Stuart Heritage

Valentine’s Day does funny thing to people.

In a relationship? Valentine’s Day will make you grumble about spending £1.70 on a card. Single? Valentine’s Day will make you feel worthless and unloved. Bai Ling? Valentine’s Day will make you steal magazines and batteries to the value of $16 from an airport store before you’re caught and arrested.

Bai Ling – star of no good films ever – was arrested for shoplifting on Wednesday, and she blames it on splitting up with a boy right before Valentine’s Day. Makes sense – sometimes the only things that can mend a broken heart are some celebrity magazines and batteries to the value of $16.

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There Is A God: Spice Girls To Stop Inflicting Their Whining On Us All

by Matthew Laidlow

We’ll tell you what we want, what we really really want. No, honestly, we’ll tell you want we want, what we really really want. And, it’s not a zigga zig ah – whatever that is.

Instead, it’s to eradicate all the reunion bands of the face of the earth. Because, let’s face it, once was bad enough – a second helping of nostalgic pop is definitely too much to handle. We are pleased to say that one such band who reformed have decided to call it a day. Again. You can now safely go around your daily business quite happily knowing that The Spice Girls aren’t going to potentially gig in your city.

That’s correct – following news that the Spice Girls are cutting their world tour short because they hate each other, Geri Halliwell has said that they’ll never reform again. Ever.

We’ll tell you what we want, what we really really want. No, honestly, we’ll tell you want we want, what we really really want. And, it’s not a zigga zig ah – whatever that is. Instead, it’s to eradicate all the reunion bands of the face of the earth. Because, let's face it, once was bad enough - a second helping of nostalgic pop is definitely too much to handle. We are pleased to say that one such band who reformed have decided to call it a day. Again. You can now safely go around your daily business quite happily knowing that The Spice Girls aren’t going to potentially gig in your city. That's correct - following news that the Spice Girls are cutting their world tour short because they hate each other, Geri Halliwell has said that they'll never reform again. Ever.
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Spice Girls Put Themselves Out Of Their Misery

by Stuart Heritage

First we’ll hit you with the good news – the Spice Girls have cut their world tour short and split up.

And now for the bad news – the Spice Girls split means we’re going to have to put up with five cack-handed Spice Girls solo careers again instead of one big group career that’s easy to ignore.

Which we suppose means that we’ll never hear from Geri Halliwell again. Maybe this is for the best after all.

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Cheryl Cole: Now There’s A Divorce Lawyer

by Stuart Heritage

You know how the other day Cheryl Cole left her cheating husband Ashley for a temporary period of time?

Well, it looks like Cheryl’s definition of ‘temporary’ might be ‘until the end of time itself’ because it’s emerged that she’s been having talks with a divorce lawyer, and stands to earn around £4 million if she does get divorced from Ashley Cole.

Four million quid. Factor in the thousands of ‘Cheryl’s heartbreak’ magazine deals she’ll sign and the new sad ghostwritten autobiography she’ll write, and it’s starting to look like letting her husband have all sorts of drunken vomit-sex with slappers was the best thing Cheryl Cole ever did.

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Britney Spears Back With That Chap She Just Dumped

by Stuart Heritage

Britney Spears will soon undergo a court-enforced psychiatric test – officially it’s to do with her kids, but we have a feeling it’s because Britney’s back with Adnan Ghalib again.

You know, Adnan Ghalib – the photographer who Britney Spears dumped a couple of days ago. The one who Britney Spears apparently took a restraining order out on. The one who tried to sell naked photos of Britney Spears to a newspaper. The one who just did a tell-all interview on TV about his time with Britney.

So, yes, Adnan Ghalib is back with Britney Spears. But at least he’s finally got round to splitting up with his wife this time.

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Britney Spears Splits Up With That Paparazzi Bloke

by Stuart Heritage

Britney Spears has broken up with her British paparazzo boyfriend Adnan Ghalib, possibly because she’s just worked out that he’s a paparazzo.

According to reports, Britney Spears split up with Adnan Ghalib after angrily accusing him of only being with her to boost his career. Ludicrous, we know – we all knew about Adnan Ghalib for months before this Britney Spears malarkey because, um, no wait, sorry, we were thinking of Abu Ghraib. Crossed wires. Sorry.

Anyway, let’s feel sorry for Britney Spears – we really thought that this time she’d found everlasting love with that creepy guy who makes his living by stalking Britney Spears with a camera.

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Eddie Murphy Splits With Wife After Two Whole Weeks

by Stuart Heritage

By getting married to Tracey Edmonds on New Year’s Day, Eddie Murphy proved to the world that he was a responsible, mature adult and not the prize bell-end that everyone thought.

And now that the he’s proved that to the world, Eddie Murphy’s chucked her.

Yes, two whole weeks after getting married, Eddie Murphy and Tracey Edmonds have split up. Eddie Murphy must be distraught – he didn’t even get the chance to knock Tracey up, let alone angrily deny that he had anything to do with the pregnancy.

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Babyshambles Unfortunately Not Splitting Up

by C J Davies

Anyone who teaches in a public school sixth-form might have noticed a look of worry in the eyes of some of their dimmer students recently.

Reports were rife, you see, that walking Hancock’s Half Hour audition Pete Doherty was all set to abandon his band Babyshambles, leaving a couple of trilby-wearing Shoreditch chancers out of a job and legions of simpering twats looking for another piss-poor musical collective to bizarrely label as ‘genius’.

Those aforementioned teachers will probably be noticing a new-found gleam in those peepers, however, as it transpires that the rumours were simply those: rumours. Babyshambles, as has now been confirmed by their needle-addled frontman, are not going to split up after all.

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Spielberg Slices Harry Potter To Pieces?

by Stuart Heritage

Let’s say you’re a movie studio and the insanely profitable series of books you’ve been adapting for six years is coming to an end – how do you keep the money flowing?

Simple – you start charging people twice to see one story. If reports are to be believed then Warner Bros is keen on chopping the Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows movie into two separate films, possibly with Steven Spielberg directing.

Halving the last Harry Potter would make sense, because one film could focus on the battle with Voldemort and the other could deal with the part where – spoiler alert – Harry Potter jets to Venus to fight the space piranhas.

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