It is with great sorrow and low-hung heads that we bring you this news: Heaven is broken and love hath not glue.
Was that deep? We just wrote that. Nobody else use it as we intend to get it copyrighted and what-not. We’d like to thank Gary Coleman for inspiring us to write it, and want him onstage with us if we ever get some sort of literary award for writing it.
He’s heading for splitsville, you know. It’s true – Coleman, usually star of the small screen, sometimes star of the low-budget big screen and most recently star of his bathroom mirror, is having severe marital difficulty. This is almost inconceivable as the man only got hitched like yesterday or something.
Depending on the source, Coleman is either getting a full-fledged divorce on the show Divorce Court, or he’s just going on to get some marital advice. Of course the former is far more sensational of a headline.
According to Livejournal.com:
“Today on a special two-part session of Divorce Court, 80’s child star Gary Coleman and his new wife Shannon have come to Divorce Court seeking Judge Toler’s advice on their troubled marriage before it’s too late. Gary says he met Shannon on a movie set and was glad to know Shannon did not know who he was when they first met. Shannon proposed a year later after an argument. Gary is in love with Shannon and calls her his star protector. Shannon says she is tired of Gary’s anger issues and blames her for anything that goes wrong and is sick of playing the blame game.”
Marital trouble – that’s what it says there. But Hollyscoop takes it a step further:
“Gary Coleman has only been married to his wife Shannon Price for eight months, and they’re going on Divorce Court to end it. Gary opted to go on national television rather than settling in normal people’s court because he’s apparently a big fan of the show. Shannon says the reason she wants a divorce is because all Gary wants to do is play with his train sets and video games instead of going out with her.”
Well train sets are a dark mistress. Our step-dad refuses to even acknowledge our mother unless she starts out each sentence with ‘toot toot.’ The air-horn motion was optional. She does it because she loves him.
Some will remember Coleman got married atop Mt Everest we think, which would actually be pretty ironic for a few reasons if you think about it. His wife may or may not be the same woman he screamed at in a Utah parking lot, and she may or may not be the same person that voted for him when he ran for governor of California. Assuming that vote wasn’t cast by Coleman himself.
Whoever she is – it’s probably a little sad if they actually are getting divorced. If it’s true we’ve heard his wife will return to her job of really making kids birthdays pretty special by running the Chuck-E-Cheese animatronic robots. We can’t specifically say where we heard that as it’s purely fictional and we made it up, but we heard it just the same.
It is currently unknown what Coleman will do if the marriage does end, but it’s speculated he’ll be on the show Little People Big World as Matt’s mysterious half brother who has recently emerged from a life-long coma.
Supposedly his character will have an eye patch.
Read More:
Gary Coleman Will Divorce, Get Paid – The Blemish