Kelly Brook Quite Happy She Dumped That Titanic Slaphead

Sad news - Kelly Brook and Billy Zane have split up. Billy Zane. He was in Titanic. You know, Billy Zane. Went out with Kelly Brook for a while. Anyone?

However, perhaps it’s not all sad news that Kelly Brook and Billy Zane have split up. For a start it means that Billy can go back to making his rubbish straight-to-DVD movies without any distractions, while Kelly Brook looks positively thrilled that she dumped him.

And this happiness might even trickle down to you, boys, because it means Kelly Brook is back on the market. You have a chance! Provided, of course, that you’re older than Kelly Brook and bald. And a C-list actor who’ll use your meagre Hollywood status to boost Kelly’s acting career by association until you’ve exhausted your use at which point she’ll quickly dump you for someone infinitesimally more famous. That’ll help too.

Don’t look so surprised that Kelly Brook and Billy Zane have broken up. A love that pure and fragile could never hope to last in such a brutal world. Plus, you know, it’s Billy Zane for god’s sake. Ugh.

Yes, it’s with a heavy heart that we must tell you that Kelly Brook and Billy Zane’s romance has come to an end. Truly they were the golden couple of bald blokes who some people thought might have been gay and women so hell-bent on getting famous in America that they’ll shack up with the first fruity bald actor that they come across, no matter how obscure.

No doubt that, coming so soon after her father’s death, the split with Billy Zane has left Kelly Brook in a state of near-devastation, so perhaps we’ll just leave her to grieve her lost love in peace.

What? Kelly Brook’s swanking around with the world’s biggest grin on her face? Well in that case we’ll carry on, then. Metro reports:

Kelly Brook was eager to prove she’s a woman on the move after news broke she dumped long-time fiancé, Billy Zane. The Strictly Come Dancing beauty certainly didn’t look unhappy on a visit to her mother’s home in Rochester. Beaming a grin from ear to ear, she flashed baiting cameras a clear message she’s over the four year romance. She then wagged a ring-less engagement finger to make sure there was no misinterpretation that she’s back on the market.

OK, so she seems quite happy to have ended it with Billy Zane, but what’s in store for Kelly Brook now? Does this mean that her hopes of cracking America as a major acting talent have ground to a halt? Or will she somehow manage to pick up an actor marginally more famous than Billy Zane in a couple of weeks and piggyback his success for a bit? The latter shouldn’t be too difficult because a) Kelly Brook is a nice-looking girl and b) literally nobody is less famous than Billy Zane.

But before that happens, let’s look back on the four years that Kelly Brook and Billy Zane spent together by revisiting their 2005 eroto-blockbuster Three. Actually, no, let’s not do that. We’d rather drink bleach than do that.

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Single Kelly Is All Smiles Again - Metro