Maxim magazine has released its annual Hot 100 list – named so because 'Hey Teenage Boys, Here Are 100 Pictures Of Women For You To Violently Masturbate Over Until It Blisters' doesn't have the same ring – and it's a good year for Lindsay Lohan.
For the first time ever, Lindsay Lohan has topped the Maxim Hot 100, making her officially the hottest woman in the world. Considering all the injuries, drunkenness, rehab and apparent drug-taking that Lindsay Lohan has been through over the last 12 months, it's not unfair to suggest that she's a somewhat bewildering choice. But don't question Lindsay Lohan's hotness because the Maxim editor's word is final, said the editor of Maxim – a creepy, slightly rusted 50-year-old Volkswagen Beetle that winks with its headlights and occasionally tries to hump newer-model Volkswagen Beetles.
Eva Longoria must be furious. Eva Longoria was Maxim's hottest woman for the last two years, but this year she's been punished for getting engaged, refusing to make a lesbian sex film with Beyonce and not talking about her minge as much as usual. Now Eva Longoria is only the ninth-hottest woman in the world, and Lindsay Lohan has stolen her crown.
Yes, that's right. Lindsay Lohan. Lindsay Lohan who seems to snort cocaine off toilets is the hottest woman in the world. Don't worry, we're just as confused as you are about this. It's like someone has done a modern-day remake of Weird Science and the outcome is an asthmatic flake with easily-snappable wrists, not enough fluid in her body to hydrate herself properly and a basic inability to use a teacup without shredding her leg to pieces on it who doesn't even have an appendix. Reuters reports:
"There is no other star in the world that causes more of a stir in the public eye than Lindsay. Her every move is watched and reported on," said Maxim's editor-in-chief Jimmy Jellinik in a statement on Tuesday. "I couldn't be more flattered to be honored as the No. 1 girl in Maxim's Hot 100 list!" Lohan said in the statement.
But girls – don't be disappointed that Lindsay Lohan is Maxim's hottest girl and you're not; getting to be as hot as Lindsay Lohan is still a completely attainable task. All you need to do is follow Lindsay Lohan's thorough self-maintenance plan, which basically means throwing up any food you eat, pissing off your workmates so much that they either write you angry letters or threaten to kick your arse, spending large periods of time in rehab and calling all strippers "whores and cunts" whenever you get the chance. Oh, and never making any good films ever. It's the Lindsay Lohan way – and it's also the only way that you'll get boys to stop thinking you look grotesque – so get going, girls.
Lindsay Lohan? Seriously, Maxim couldn't find anyone hotter than Lindsay Lohan? First Drew Barrymore gets called beautiful and now Lindsay Lohan gets called hot? At this rate it'll just be a matter of time before we get to see Deirdre Barlow greased up in a bikini on the front of FHM. And that, readers, is the day we open that special packet of screwdrivers that we've been saving for our eyes.
Read more:
Lindsay Tops Maxim's Hot 100, But Britney, Paris Miss – Reuters
Gilbert Wham says
Whilst admitting a debilitating penchant for mental women, that has gotten me into hot water more than once, this is surely a step too far.