The path of true love never runs smoothly, they say. And while that's true for hopelessly unfamous mortals like us, it goes double for solid gold celebrity demigods like walking cameltoe Eva Longoria and that tall bloke she's going out with.
Eva Longoria and Tony Parker have weathered a fair amount of storms in their time together, but it's all going to end happily ever after for them both – Eva Longoria has announced that they're going to get married. Although with Eva Longoria's perennial talent for saying completely moronic things at any given moment in time, we imagine that the news of her impending wedding has been greeted warmly by everyone except for Tony Parker, who we expect is currently splitting his time between dreaming up the best way to fake his own death and trying to work out how the phrase "Are we out of milk?" could possibly have been construed as "I want to get married to you, Eva Longoria. I want to get married to you FOREVER."
Now that the Eva Longoria/ Beyonce lesbian sex film is never going to get made, Eva Longoria hasn't really left us with a lot of things to look forward to. Sure, it's only a matter of time before Eva Longoria's strangely-wired brain makes her spit out all kinds of mental statements – like the one about her never working in TV again or the one about how lovely her big bald vagina is – but these happen with such ferocious regularity that they're starting to lose their sparkle.
And also all this stuff about Eva Longoria being sexy is getting old, too. We know that Eva Longoria is sexy because Maxim keeps telling us, even though her body is usually all smashed up and stuff. Besides, once you've made your cleavage so big that it can be seen from space, there's not really anywhere else you can take it. So what can Eva Longoria do?
The answer lies with Tony Parker. Oh, you know who Tony Parker is – he's the man who didn't know how to have sex until Eva Longoria showed him what goes where. Tony Parker is also Eva Longoria's boyfriend – just about. Back in October it was announced that Eva Longoria and Tony Parker had split up, only for them to get back together three days later blaming "a couple stuff" for their rocky patch. But Eva Longoria and Tony Parker know the best way to resolve an injured relationship – having a shotgun wedding and hoping the problems go away. Here's how Eva Longoria broke news of the wedding to Ryan Seacrest, as E! Online reports:
"I always promised you that you would hear it first, and here we are…I wanted to tell you that Tony and I are engaged," Longoria said in an early-morning phone call to Seacrest, a longtime friend of the couple. Longoria said Parker surprised her by grabbing a late flight to Los Angeles Wednesday, after the Spurs played the Utah Jazz. When she returned home from work around midnight, he was there waiting for her, surrounded by candles and rose petals. "You know, Ryan, we aren't going to be crazy hush-hush about this and be dramatic trying to protect it, because we are so excited," she said. "It's going to be huge and beautiful, and we just can't wait."
Yeah yeah yeah, this all just seems to us like Eva Longoria is indulging in a little game of Keeping Up With The Joneses with her Desperate Housewives co-star Marcia Cross. Know that her hair will never be as drop-dead awe-inspiring as Marcia's, Eva Longoria has simply decided to copy her by getting married. That's just phase one of Eva Longoria's diabolical plan, though – next she'll copy Marcia Cross by quickly falling pregnant and then by taking naked pictures of herself and leaving them lying around until someone steals them. Yeah, that'll show her.
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