Just because her husband now earns more money in half a second than you'll ever see in your lifetime, it doesn't mean that Victoria Beckham is free of the hassles that affect other working mothers – like being chased around a school by some pigs.
What? Sporty Spice and Ginger Spice? How dare you say that, you incredibly rude person. We're talking about actual pigs here. Some actual pot-bellied pigs recently chased Victoria Beckham around a school in Los Angeles while Victoria was trying to decide whether or not to send her children there. Ironically, while the incident probably traumatised Victoria Beckham quite a lot, being chased by some pigs for five minutes each day is now the only athletic training that David Beckham does – the other 23 hours and 55 minutes are exclusively spent forcing homeless people to dance for him as he waves a fistful of banknotes in their faces while wearing a top hat and cackling like The Penguin.
As our dear old Nan once said to us, just before the paramedics led her away from the church in a net, you haven't made it until you've been chased around by some pigs in a school. This is something that George Clooney knows only too well – despite years of frantic coercion, his pig died last year without ever chasing him around in a school. How bitterly George Clooney must look on at Victoria Beckham, for Victoria Beckham has been chased around by some pigs in a school.
If you thought that the highlight of Victoria Beckham's life came when she was turned into perfume or admitted never having read a book, think again. From now on, David Beckham's megabucks move to LA, Michael Jackson offering Neverland to David and Victoria Beckham, their burgeoning friendship with Tom Cruise and Kate Holmes and the David and Victoria Beckham waxworks that are springing up all over America count for nothing, because Victoria Beckham has now been chased around by some pigs in a school.
How the other Spice Girls must be jealous of Victoria Beckham. Their lives may be full of ballroom dancing, unborn possible Eddie Murphy babies, other babies that might have been abused and wayward depression, but they haven't got what Victoria Beckham has got – some pigs that chase her around a school. FemaleFirst reports on this epic Victoria Beckham/ pigs/ chase/ school blockbuster:
The former Spice Girl – who has been scouring Hollywood's best private schools to find somewhere to enrol Brooklyn, Romeo and Cruz when she and David move to Los Angeles this summer – fled one campus in horror after two amorous hogs took a shine to her. A source told the National Enquirer magazine: "Victoria was being shown around the science lab when two pet pot-bellied pigs, who are allowed to roam free, snuffled up to her. She screamed, 'Get it away!', and tried to run away in her high heels. It was hysterical, everyone was trying so hard not to laugh." Some of the parents of children who already attend the schools Victoria has been viewing are said to be horrified by the camera crews and photographers who follow her everywhere.
Yeah, we're fully aware that Victoria Beckham getting chased around a school by some pigs is probably just a staged stunt for the new American Victoria Beckham reality TV show – and if that's the case might we suggest a reshoot featuring the pigs from Hannibal. But if staged stunts are the direction Victoria's show is going in, we've got a doozy for the producers – it involves Victoria Beckham, 12 litres of moonshine and a nailgun.
Probably best to leave it for the last episode, all said.