Men, pay attention – if you ever need to dump someone in genuinely spectacular style, why not take a leaf out of Eddie Murphy's book and do it on Dutch TV while demanding a paternity test for the unborn baby that your girlfriend is carrying.
However, this might not be the best line of attack if your girlfriend is as flat-out mental as Eddie Murphy's is. Mel B wasn't just called Scary Spice for her alarmingly protruding nipples, you know – Mel B got given the nickname 'Scary' because she turns into a frenzied snarling lunatic any time that a man dares wrong her, especially during the gestation period. That means Mel B has got it in for Eddie Murphy bigstyle – she's letting him have it through the ferocious medium of the politely-worded statement.
If there's ever been a more beguilingly perfect couple in the history of mankind than Eddie Murphy and Mel B, we'd like to see it. There's just something so romantic when a man who's previously been arrested for soliciting a transsexual prostitute like Eddie Murphy hooks up with a shouting, leopardskin-loving, northern single mother like Mel B and immediately gets her so pregnant that they celebrate by having matching tattoos of each other's faces done. Stick your ballroom dancing, your screaming at Spanish women, your being sad because you're a bit fat and your physically-abused babies – this is how we want the Spice Girls to act.
But the romance between Eddie Murphy and Mel B wasn't to be, and it was only a matter of time before Eddie Murphy took the traditional first steps of a break-up by going on a Dutch TV show and wigging out about DNA tests in front of everyone. During an interview with RTL Boulevard, Eddie Murphy said:
"You're being presumptuous, because we're not together any more. And I don't know whose that child is until it comes out and has a blood test. You shouldn't jump to conclusions, sir."
Up until now Mel B has kept quiet about Eddie Murphy's accusations, but we all knew that wouldn't last – other names on the Mel B Spice Girls nickname shortlist included Gobby Spice, Preposterously Outspoken Spice and Oh For Fuck's Sake Would You Just Shut Up For A Freaking Minute Spice – and so Mel B has hit back at Eddie Murphy with this statement:
"I am obviously upset and distressed at some of the comments made by Eddie Murphy to the media. I have no idea why anybody would want to conduct themselves in this kind of manner about such a personal matter in such a public way. My main concern is for the well being of my daughter Phoenix and of course the baby. I was astonished at what Eddie said – there is absolutely no question that Eddie is the father."
Read that, Eddie Murphy? There is no question that the baby inside Mel B is yours, and it's bound to be proved to the world when, less than a minute after its birth, it starts telling insanely offensive jokes about AIDS and faggots just like Daddy.
Oh boy, we haven't had this much fun with a Spice Girl since Victoria Beckham said that she's never read a book.