Consumers have to ask themselves a lot of questions when choosing a fragrance. Questions like "Which scent will make me smell most like the bloke who was just kicked out of the England squad and his very skinny wife?"
And now there's an answer: Intimately Beckham. You've probably guessed by now, but Intimately Beckham is the new perfume by David and Victoria Beckham which is said to truly capture the essence of what it is to be a Beckham, in that when you wear it people will sniff, stop you on the street and ask "Hey, didn't you used to be famous?"
David and Victoria Beckham – or Brand Beckham, as they're tediously trying to get people to call them – used to have it all in their laps. David Beckham was the captain of the England football team and his wife Victoria was one of the Spice Girls. But things change, and time hasn't been kind to the Beckhams. The Spice Girls split up so they could all pursue their other interests – having babies with dumbass names and getting ill thought-out tattoos of Eddie Murphy mainly – and David Beckham first stopped being England captain and then stopped being part of the England team altogether.
Of course, just because their professional careers are in decline, it doesn't mean that David and Victoria Beckham have stopped being completely famous – on the Suri Cruise-seeing fame rankings, David and Victoria Beckham are still equally as famous as that short raspy woman from The King Of Queens, and that's saying something. Plus, David and Victoria Beckham have just launched their own line of 'his n hers perfumes', Intimately Beckham, so that makes them as famous as other celebrities with perfumes, like the horse-faced woman from Sex And The City, the man who used to be on the 1994 BBC sitcom The High Life and Jade Goody. And Intimately Beckham will be available at only the most elite perfume houses. Just kidding – Superdrug is flogging it. And Superdrug fragrance buyer Tim Hughes thinks that people
are dumb enough to want to buy will be able to identify with Intimately Beckham:
"Our suppliers tell us that Victoria has been involved with every step of the development of her first perfume. She has chosen the packaging and worked with some of the world's best 'noses' to identify the perfect eau de Beckham. Developing a fragrance is an intensely personal journey and Victoria's has all the hallmarks of her very distinctive style."
Intimately Beckham was launched yesterday in equally high-class fashion, as possibly the world's most inept David and Victoria Beckham lookalikes stood around outside of Superdrug holding the stinkbottles. Despite this, Brand It Like Beckham author Andy Milligan told This Is London that opportunistic launches of tacky perfume lines were always part of a bigger Beckham plan:
"[His] management team has always factored in that he will not be a footballer for ever. Being dropped from the team may have speeded things up."
Maybe we're being too hard on David and Victoria Beckham here – as supremely arrogant as it is to imagine that people would actually want to smell like you, we sort of hope that Intimately Beckham is a success for the Beckhams. Anything that keeps Victoria out of the recording studio is fine by us.
[story by Stuart Heritage]