Broomstick-thin imbecile Victoria Beckham – a bizarre genetic fusion of a skeleton and a branch of Top Shop – has revealed to the media that she has never read a book in her life.

hecklerspray has to confess to being somewhat surprised by all of this – we all thought that Ms. Beckham was an intellectual powerhouse, a towering brain-monster fit to burst with knowledge and perception.

Oh, wait. Hang on. No, we didn’t. We thought she was a talent-void of almost epic levels, annihilating the will to live wherever she laid her scrawny feet.

Victoria’s reason for never discovering the joys of literature? She simply "doesn’t have the time."

Well, fair’s fair. It must be quite a hectic schedule she has – firing out stupidly named idiot-babies at the rate of six a year while occasionally stopping to release Christ-numbingly awful records. All that swanning around and polluting popular culture as we know it? It must make it really difficult to lose yourself in a spot of Dickens.

So what does Victoria do to relax?  "I do love fashion magazines," she burbles. Especially the ones with black-and-white photoshoots – that way David can use them later for a nice bit of colouring-in. It makes a change from his sing-a-long Disney videos, anyway.

Not that we’d want to let Posh catch us ‘dissing’ her husband. She’s fiercely protective of the footballing prodigy – "He is very good looking, he dresses very well, he is great with children and he has an enormous heart".

 Ah. Lovely. Just a shame he’s such a borderline-retard then.

[story by C J Davies]