Posts tagged as:

Twilight

Dripping With Gunk, Robert Pattinson Is Or Isn’t Going Behind Kristen Stewart’s Back With Caitlin Cronenberg

by Mof Gimmers

Its a good job that Robert Pattinson is good-looking. He wouldn’t be famous otherwise would he? Here, we have a young man with all the personality of a whisk and the acting prowess of a SCART lead. Yet, time and time again, he’s rumoured to be having it away with some pretty thing behind Kristen [...]

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Robert Pattinson And Kristen Stewart To Cut Back On Partying, Meaning That They Nearly Don’t Exist Now

by Mof Gimmers

Christ on a pogo stick! Could Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart possibly become anymore boring than they already are? Bearing in mind that between them, their collective presence makes a room filled with motionless, beige mannequins look like a riot in Studio 54. But wait! Despite the fact that these two take up perfectly good [...]

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Robert Pattinson Swears In Attempt To Have Personality

by Mof Gimmers

Robert Pattinson, a chap so boring that yawning has been known to slit its wrists in his presence, has done a swear on the tellybox, prompting hysterical fangirls to flood their gussets with a mixture of arousal and mirth. That’s right! Despite having all the charisma of those plastic protector guards you get on new [...]

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Robert Pattinson In Sweet Elephant Threesome

by Mof Gimmers

Robert Pattinson, a man so terminally dull that people in comas have revived themselves briefly to turn off their own life support machines, is starring in a film with elephants, which is nice isn’t it? In this film, he has a threesome. Not with two lady elephants, mind. Nope, R-Pattz gets to chow down in [...]

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Robert Pattinson And Kristen Stewart Spotted Kissing In Attempt To Thwart Tedium

by Mof Gimmers

The gossip columns are alight with the news that Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart have been seen kissing each other – and not on-set! Yes indeed! They’ve swapped spittle with their own well-deserved free will in the back of a car! However, we suspect that the pair actually didn’t kiss. Rather, after staring at each [...]

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Witherspoon So Bored By Pattinson’s Flacid, Grey Penis That She Infects Him With Smallpox

by Michael Park

Limelight-shy attention whore and alleged Dr. Conrad Murray copycat killer* Reese Witherspoon has spoken on her inevitable sex scenes with human floorboard impersonator Robert Pattinson in their new film Waterboarding For Elephants. Witherspoon, whose enjoyment of shooting rifles at paparazzos is well-documented, claiming that her gasping disappointment at the size, shape and colour of her [...]

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Robert Pattinson Helps Kristen Stewart’s Birthday By Merging Into The Wallpaper

by Mof Gimmers

Robert Pattinson, the most boring human mankind has ever produced, apparently helped Kristen Stewart celebrate her 21st birthday by trying to embarrass her. And how does one go about embarrassing a pal? Well, there’s a myriad of ways. You can tie them to a lamppost, naked. You can leap out of a cake brandishing compromising [...]

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Robert Pattinson Charms Elephant With Little More Than Endurance

by Mof Gimmers

As every single human on Earth knows (we’re all programmed from birth to wait for this moment), Robert Pattinson is in a film called Water for Elephants. It stars Robert Pattinson, water and, crucially, some of our elephant cousins. Of course, the film needs someone with charisma and acting prowess which, in the case of [...]

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Robert Pattinson Is A Grotesquely Fat Blob

by Mof Gimmers

Robert Pattinson, a man so dull that the colour beige commits suicide in his presence, has told us all something planet-splittingly massive. He has admitted that he wasn’t able to keep up his fitness regime up after he filmed his last Twilight topless scene. Y’mean he isn’t always a rippling God of sinew, tissue and [...]

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Joe Jonas Is Not Gay And Has Split Up With Ashley Greene (Cue Slurs)

by Mof Gimmers

Joe Jonas and Ashley Greene have, crushingly, called time on their romance. What will us plebs aspire to now in matters of the heart. For here, we lie jaded, broken and listlessly twitching on our knees, wondering if true love even exists anymore. It is gone, blown away on a cruel, tender breeze along with [...]

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