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You know Shia LaBeouf don’t you? Yeah. He’s that insultingly dim thing that’s like shrink-wrapped ham on legs, waddling around with his film career and floozies. What else does he do?
Oh yeah! He gets in fights in bars! That’s a hoot isn’t it?
What’s even better is that someone’s accused him of threatening to stab someone. STAB! STAB! VENDETTA! VENDETTA! Yup. That’s right. A famous face thinking that no-one will mention it to anyone if he starts offering to slit people’s throats.
Selena Gomez may be stupid enough to stay with Justin Bieber (who seems more than happy to have her be on the receiving end of a load of death threats and, rumour has it, likes cheating on her too), but she’s certainly not daft enough to marry him.
See, Gomez obviously wants to listen to that nagging voice in the back of her mind that says “why yes, you are going out with an ogre of an infant… but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t rinse him for money, gifts and reflected fame”.
That’s because, despite her wholly miserable co-existence with the warbling newborn, he does nice things like treating her to trips to Disneyland (where he was probably mistaken for Boo from Monsters Inc.) and constantly fiddles with her training bra while gurgling sexy noises. But marriage? Don’t be silly.
We’re more scared of lawyers than we are of spiders – so we’re going to tread carefully, all the while shrieking and flapping like a bunch of hysterical women if any of us sees an actual spider. It’s being reported that the wandering lady garden of Megan Fox bad touched Shia LaBeouf for a whole six months while they were filming together. And, it’s further alleged it’s ruining Megan’s marriage.
Backing up a little, for clarity and because someone needs to hoover under our feet, their tryst first began on the set of Alien Robots Smash Things.
It would appear, at the behest of director Michael Bay, the 20-somethings pretended to fancy each other and that turned into sleeping together.
You’ve got to pick sides these days. There’s no grey in life anymore, no nuance. It’s black and white. Guilty? Then throw away the key!
A victim? Then everything you say is sacred and righteous. Think the most recent album by x band is okay, but not as good as their last one? No you don’t- you’re a HATER!
Israel vs Palestine. Dawkins vs God. Left vs Right. 0 vs 1. But even in these binary times we’re stumped on where we stand on Harrison Ford vs Shia LaBoeuf .
Are you a teenager? Chances are you fancy Megan Fox then. She’s effectively an alt.fancy piece as designed on a computer game by young men yet to touch the flesh of another woman, aside from the girls they kinda fancy who they keep punching in the schoolyard.
No right minded adult would lust over Fox because she possesses all the sexual allure of a mop.
Still, that didn’t stop Shia LaBeouf who has admitted that he hooked up with Megan while they were making the Transformers films (read our Transformers 3 review here). Better still, she was probably attached to her now-husband Brian Austin Green at the time.
Not content with owning both a name that sounds better-suited to a feminine hygiene product and the smuggest face in modern cinema whilst appearing as the instantly-forgettable co-star of the most dismal and ill-advised films of recent times, Shia LaBeouf seems determined to also become known as Hollywood’s most ineffectual hell-raiser.
The star – whose moody acting range consists of ‘worried’, ‘puzzled’, ‘sleepy’ and nothing else – was slapped in handcuffs following an altercation in the early hours of Saturday morning at the Mad Bulls Tavern in Sherman Oakes, California.
Details are still sketchy, but we’re pretty sure that if it’s a low-key evening you’re looking for, you’re probably not going to find it in an establishment named ‘The Mad Bulls’. Sources close to LaBeouf (ie: LaBeouf) state that the actor was jumped-on and ended up getting punched in the face.
10 - When imagination and profound bitterness collide – My Ex-Wife’s Wedding Dress
9 - When Disney and full-on perversion collide – Geekologie
8 - Cigarettes make you stronger. If you’re a robot. Which you almost certainly are not – SlantedScience
7 - Shia LaBeouf realises that everything he’s ever done is ultimately worthless – AmyGrindhouse
Who’s looking forward to Wall Street 2, huh? It’s going to be just like Wall Street, but Shia LaBeouf’s in it.
Anybody? Anybody looking forward to it? No? Well stuff you all, then, because the first trailer for Wall Street 2 – which has now officially been given the dunder-headed title Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps – has hit the internet. Yes, you’re right to be excited. Or interested. Or utterly apathetic. Or whatever it is you are.
Want to see the Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps trailer? Then you’d better read on. And if the chaotic mixture of sounds and images is too much for your brain to comprehend, we’re also going to analyse the arse off it. For you…
