I know I’ve been slow blogging this month and there are really two reasons for this: 1) Celebs have decided to not be all that interesting this month, and 2) I’m doing my second Masters degree and I’m busy af. However, I’m back now, and ready for another hard-hitting HecklerSpray investigation!
My friend Caelie texted me last night to see if I had any idea why Q-List celebrity Nick Cannon is constantly wearing turbans these days. While I’d noticed him doing it, I wasn’t able to answer her question because I had no idea…until now!
My initial theory was that, like Lindsay Lohan desperately trying to get cast as Ariel in a live action The Little Mermaid, maybe Nick Cannon is just desperately trying to get cast as the sultan in a live action Aladdin movie? I mean, I don’t think he’s suited for the role, but that’s neither here nor there.
So, I took to the internet and quickly found out that Ellen had Nick on her show somewhat recently and asked him what was up with the whole turban thing, so finally I’d get some answers, right?! Meh, not really. He said he’d doing it to promote cultural understanding. Like that’s it. No ‘I think it’s a good look for me’, no ‘I’ve converted to Islam’, no ‘It keeps my head nice and warm,’ just cultural understanding. His only follow up was that he wears it to encourage differences.
Now, if you know me at all, you’ll know that isn’t good enough for me, so naturally I continued my investigation. I couldn’t find anything about Nick Cannon becoming a Sikhs or Shia Muslim (the two groups who primarily wear turbans, however I DID find some great stuff about how he thinks Mariah’s shitty new years performance was some sort of government conspiracy to distract us from the real shit that’s going on in the world, and that abortion is wrong because it’s modern day eugenics and population control. So by now, the evidence was starting to add up: Nick Cannon is a below sub par comedian/actor/rapper who is no affiliated with the Muslim community in anyway, but keeps wearing a turban; he also believes in a lot of conspiracy theories (you can Google them!), and thinks abortion in itself is a conspiracy to perform eugenics.
My hypothesis: Nick Cannon has turned into Black Shia LaBeouf.
I mean, I would argue that Nick Cannon knows about as much about Islam as Donald Trump does, however, he loves those fancy hats and he’s getting on with all sorts of crazy, so I’m just going to stick with my Shia LaBeouf theory on this one. Nick Cannon is like one degree of Shia LaBeouf away from making an experimental album with Jayden Smith under the name Blessing Dragon Ali.