Brad Pitt Is Shia LaBeouf’s Sober Muse

Shia LaBeoufShia LaBeouf has been having a rough couple of years.  He’s become anti showers, but pro Jameson for breakfast.  It’s turned him from becoming a child star to legitimate actor success story, to the typical child star to hot mess tale.

But now, Shia has finally found a reason to ditch the bottle.  It’s not for good reasons, like a desire to stop fighting homeless dudes at 3 o’clock in the afternoon, but more because he has a new coworker he really wants to impress.

For some reason, when I look at Brad Pitt, I don’t see some beacon for the straight edge lifestyle.  Maybe it’s that stoner vibe I get, the aura that tells you Mr. Angelina Jolie loves nothing more than a fat bong and a big bag of In&Out on a Saturday night, but he isn’t someone who I’d feel the need to suppress my love of chilled vodka for.   But it seems Brad is that guy for Shia LaBeouf, who has allegedly decided to clean up his boozey ways in order to not embarrass himself in front of Pitt.

LaBeouf recently starred in a film with Brad titled Fury.  Soon they will start their promotional tour, and for some crazyyyy reason, Shia doesn’t seem to think showing up reeking like stale asshole and trying to punch out photographers would be a good idea.  He especially doesn’t think it’s a good idea to do this while promoting alongside Pitt.  So let’s all thank Brad Pitt now for keeping Shia from vomiting all over the red carpet.  Unless you’re someone like me who kind of banks on shit shows that like to have good writing material.

I just really love how getting arrested a handful of times in a month, getting kicked out of titty bars, ruining a Broadway musical and having Alan Cumming Twitter shame you, none of these incidents are enough to make Shia go, “Hmm, maybe I have a problem?”  To him, there is nothing fucking weird about walking around with a paper bag over his head (though I do appreciate saving me from having to look at his pube beard), but there is an issue with slurring a word or two in front of a guy who used to have had cold dead fish sex with Gwyneth Paltrow.

Priorities, people.  Shia’s obviously got the wrong ones.

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