by Stuart Heritage
Now that Scarlett Johansson is happily married to Van Wilder, you’d expect that babies were next on the agenda.
That’s unless you don’t care. Which you probably shouldn’t do, in fairness. After all, it’s not like you know Scarlett Johansson or Van Wilder, and you’d have to be a complete weirdo to like either of them enough to care about their potential children. Is that what you are? A weirdo? Is it? Want to know about Scarlett Johansson’s unborn babies, do you? You make us sick. Sick.
As it happens, Scarlett Johansson doesn’t want any babies yet. Are you happy now? Jesus.
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by Stuart Heritage
Like many people, we’ve often dreamt of laying down naked as a baby and smearing ourselves with Scarlett Johansson’s nasal mucus.
And, hey, now we can. For reasons that frankly we’re too petrified to go into, Scarlett Johansson has decided to auction off one of her snot-filled tissues on eBay. The most frightening news? It’s currently standing at $2,205.
While that makes for an expensive trophy – or dinner condiment – $2,205 is actually enough money for scientists to harvest Scarlett Johansson’s DNA and build their own snot-covered, manky-looking Jurassic Park-style Scarlett Johansson clone. Or they could just buy Cheryl Baker from Buck’s Fizz instead. Whichever’s cheapest.
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