Scarlett Johansson And Ryan Reynolds Become The 3572th Celebrity Couple To Split Up This Week

Mud once sang “Try to imagine a Christmas all alone. That’s where I’ll be since you left me. My tears could melt the snow. What can I do without you? I got no place, no place to go. It’ll be lonely this Christmas without you to hold, it’ll be lonely this Christmas, lonely and cold.”

Well, that is going to be the soundtrack to most of Hollywood at this rate as sightings of famous people driving around with all their possessions in bin bags in the backseats have rocketed lately.

Nip/Tuck’s Dylan Walsh has filed for divorce, Vanessa Hudgens and Zac Efron have parted, Jennifer Carpenter is divorcing Michael C. Hall, Anna Friel and David Thewlis hate each other, Eva Longoria is going to cry for Christmas and now, Scarlett Johansson is all set to throw plates at Ryan Reynolds because she can’t stand the sight of him.

There must be some Batman villain behind all this. We assume it must be The Riddler who has put some kind of anti-love potion in America’s mince pies. You just wait for a cryptic message to be written above Hollywood by a plane, leaving Batman and Robin to mull over it like monkeys staring at a cash machine.

Anyway, Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds haven’t just decided to call it quits, rather, they’ve announced that that hate each other after…

“long and careful consideration on both our parts.”

That’s good of them isn’t it? The joint statement continued…

“We entered our relationship with love and it’s with love and kindness we leave it,”

“While privacy isn’t expected, it’s certainly appreciated.”

Apparently, the pair have been living apart for several months, which again, just shows how inconsiderate celebrities are now. They didn’t even leave any clues lying around for us to speculate on. This grown-up approach to affairs of the heart seems to be catching on, leaving people like us to grind our teeth in anger.

You wouldn’t get that with The Riddler.

Still, Ryan Reynolds won’t be lonely for long. Only last month, he was named People magazine’s ‘Sexiest Man Alive’ while Scarlett was given the title of ‘Babe of the Year’ by Esquire. If they spend the next month snotty-nosed and weeping uncontrollably on street corners, they might not look so hot then (not that it would stop most of you trying to stick your tongues down their throats while they’re on the rebound).

So what started the rot? Well, a short time ago in October, Reynolds called Johansson “the best part” of his life and that marriage hadn’t changed their relationship.

However, it seems one of them wanted to start a family and the other one didn’t, which kicked off a series of fights that saw the pair dumping each other.

Our money is on Reynolds being super needy and wanting babies, leaving Scarlett Johansson pointing at her stomach saying ‘You want me to turn this beautiful thing into a butcher’s slab? You can kiss my shiny buttocks sunbeam!’

With a few days left ’til Christmas Day itself, we’re hoping for another 4037 break-ups, thereby ensuring that estate agents in LA and stalkers have something of a bumper month of activity and learning how to smile while they do unspeakable things to vulnerable celebrities.

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  1. Cookie Monster says

    Brad and Angie’s egos are no longer on speaking terms, I hear. Make it 4036. Sadly, Tom Cruise already divored reality, MJ divorced the mortal coil, and so on and so forth. Divorce is rather amusing when dunderheads are involved.

    It is a shame if Sca’t Joh’son is refusing babies the services of her breasts. The infants of the world would be well served, indeed. Sean Penn must consider an activist role on this issue of non-suckling. She and Kate Perry alone could eliminate child hunger in entire swaths of the Internet. So many cookies are needlessly undipped. So many lame boob jokes remain untapped.