You may well think that Scarlett Johansson is the most beautiful woman you’ve even seen, which probably means that you think you don’t stand a chance of ever making out with her. Well you do, because she’s decided to tap a troll-faced Sean Penn. Repeatedly. While Barack Obama watches on.
That’s right mingers, Johansson has long been rumoured to be swapping fluids with Penn, despite the fact he could curdle the vapour in the air with his foul face.
And while in the presence of President Obama, Mila Kunis and Donald Trump, Scarlett decided to indulge in a spot of heavy petting with Penn at Saturday’s White House Correspondents Dinner in Washington, D.C. Honestly. They were like teenagers at a roller disco, all grunting and dribbles.
One eye witness, desperate to tell anyone in earshot about the people they’d seen with more talent that them, breathlessly panted:
“It happened right as the main course of the dinner was being put on the table”
“Scarlett was pawing at Sean, holding on to his hip while he was smoking. She gave him a short kiss. But then they took a walk some 30 feet away, broke off from the group and kissed some more.”
What were they doing?! Did Penn get to second or third base in a hedge? Did they slope off and buy cheap booze and promise to make each other mix tapes? DID SEAN PENN SEE SCARLETT JOHANSSON’S BRA?
“Around 1 a.m. Sean and Scarlett were side by side for the rest of the night. When they were walking out the door, Sean stopped her, took off his jacket and put it on her shoulders, saying, ‘It’s cold out there.’ They then grabbed hands and walked out before 3 a.m.”
You may think that is a selfless act of chivalry. You couldn’t be more wrong. The ‘jacket over the shoulder’ trick is celebrity code for sex. The coat is a metaphor for the sheath worn by those not wanting to ride bareback in the sheets, the exposed shoulder being the recipients willingness to receive such ‘gentlemanly activity’.
So basically, Sean Penn told the world that he was off for some hardcore action with that woman you fancy.
But why did Penn attend at meeting at The Hill with all those politicians? Well, in what could easily be more celebrity code, he said:
“I’m mostly here for Haiti, and I want to help bring some attention to that crisis.”
We can’t even imagine what that could mean. You’re not even listening are you. You’re still thinking of Scarlett Johansson’s boobs aren’t you?
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Dave says
Sean Penn–he always looks like he’s smelling something that stinks.
Has anyone told him that smoking isn’t cool and causes lung cancer?
Also–what’s with celebs being portrayed as politicians and statesmen–what qualifications do they have?
Eric says
This is why these actors wind up in divorce all the time….because they only look for mates in their tiny little group. And the reason for this? Greed. Plain and simple greed. Oh, far be it for one of them to date a regular person. Oh we just can’t have that, because we’re just so paranoid about whether or not that person is using us for our money.
Whatever. End up in divorce. Maybe one day you’ll grow the hell up and realize that true love cannot just be found in your own little acting world.
Eric says
I don’t really like Sean Penn either, Dave.
Lisa says
I love Sean penn! Since I was a kid, I know I would!
T-Cake says
Dave – I bet Penn realizes smoking is bad; the guy looks like he’s sixty. And I agree that nobody should really care if celebrities like Sean Penn love Peta or drive a Prius or donate to Heifer International. Doesn’t affect me one way or the other. What does bother me, however, is that I’ll think of Sean Penn when I see Scarlett Johansson.
Emma says
Are you single ?
Cookie Monster says
IMDB notes that Penn was born in 1960. Scarlett was born in 1984.
Sean Connery was born in 1930… let your mind settle on that hook-up and let us know if it bothers you more or less (Sean Penn and Sean Connery, I mean… else it would be just gross). “This is Shean, I’m shorry that I can’t anshwer the phone jusht now, eye am making schweet love to Shean’s Penn-ish-agghhhh “.