Your estranged wife Sandra Bullock is just as capable. In fact, she’s even better at it than you are. Why? Because you only managed to hook up with a Nazi fetishist who was covered in so many tattoos that she looked like she’d fallen asleep under a pile of damp newspapers. But Sandra Bullock? She just kissed Scarlett Johansson. On the lips. On television. Really briefly.
The Sandra Bullock/ Scarlett Johansson kiss happened at the MTV Movie Awards, and it was largely the sexiest thing to happen all night. But, hey, when hasn’t the sight of a 45-year-old woman kissing a 25-year-old woman to make up for her husband’s multiple heartbreaking infidelities been sexy? No? Just us?
Just because you haven’t seen Sandra Bullock around for a few months doesn’t mean that she hasn’t been keeping busy. She’s been doing loads of stuff, really. There was that kid she adopted, for starters. And she’s probably been working on all kinds of film projects as well. And, oh yeah, crying. Lots of crying, as is probably to be expected when your husband gets caught having it away with a tattoo model in a Nazi hat called Bombshell. Or, if not crying, whatever the closest alternative to crying is when your face looks as if it’s been rendered almost fully immobile by surgery.
But at last night’s MTV Movie Awards, Sandra Bullock got to put all of that behind her by making her first public appearance since the Oscars and using it as an excuse to get off with Scarlett Johansson. MTV reports:
“I’m here because Ryan couldn’t be here, and I wanted to be here when you accepted your award for Best Kiss,” Scarlett said. After Sandra informed her they hadn’t won, ScarJo replied that she thought they should have won because it “was sweet and looked really soft.” And with that, the two began inching ever closer to each other until they—you got it!—kissed.
You see? Sandra Bullock can still be an aspirational figure. Now millions of horny teenagers around the world will make sure they’ll marry a butch mechanic in the hope that they’ll one day break their heart by cheating on them with a funny-looking tattoo model, because only then will they get to have an awkward two-second kiss with Scarlett Johansson. Keep living the dream, Sandra.