Iron Man 2 is one of 2010’s biggest films – because what do people like more than beardy, middle-aged punching robots?

Nothing, that’s what. But what can we expect from Iron Man 2? Will there be more explosions? Yes! Will there be more fight scenes? Yes! Will there be more gnarled, topless old men who talk in an affected Russian accent so ludicrous that it’d be offensive if it wasn’t so indecipherable? Yes!

We know this because a new Iron Man 2 trailer has just been released. But, like most modern things, it’s all a bit too whizz-bang for us to understand. So we’ve decided to slow down the new Iron Man 2 trailer and talk you through it scene by scene. Once again, you’re welcome…

So let’s get things started right away. Here’s the new Iron Man 2 trailer…

Wait, what just happened? We don’t know either. That was such a jumble of unconnected images and noises that there isn’t a human being on the face of the planet who could have absorbed all of that information at once. So let’s put on our decoding hats and work out exactly what Iron Man 2 will hold…

IRON MAN 2 TRAILER SCENE 1

Hey, look, it’s Sherlock Holmes! No, wait, not Sherlock Holmes, the other one. You know, Charlie Chaplin. No, wait, not Charlie Chaplin either. That bloke from Ally McBeal? Yes, that’s who it is. He’s wearing a metal suit, but that’s probably got something to do with one of Ally McBeal’s zany fantasy sequences. Yes, that’s almost definitely what’s happening here.

IRON MAN 2 TRAILER SCENE 2

It’s Scarlett Johansson. This is undoubtedly a good thing, because she always improves every movie she ever stars in. Like, say, that crappy Woody Allen film. And Michael Bay’s The Island. And He’s Just Not That Into You. And… oh, who are we kidding? Scarlett Johansson makes all films worse. Incidentally, the sound you can hear over this shot in the Iron Man 2 trailer is the sound of Gwyneth Paltrow grinding her teeth because she’s not the prettiest woman in Iron Man any more.

IRON MAN 2 TRAILER SCENE 3

This is Mickey Rourke’s big scene. His big monologue that introduces not only his character’s personal philosophy, but also one of the main themes of the film. So it’s a bit of a bloody shame that he’s decided to do it in a ridiculously impenetrable Russian accent. We think he’s saying “Ivooka may cobbley, pee poo wiseizto bleevim. Deyvill deploy dewatoo anna shaksucum. AHAHAHA!” But we could be wrong.

IRON MAN 2 TRAILER SCENE 4

Here are some of the other enemies that Iron Man will face in this movie. They’re stormtroopers. No, wait, not stormtroopers. Footsoldiers. No, wait, not those either. Oh, we don’t know.

IRON MAN 2 TRAILER SCENE 5

But, look, here’s Robert Downey Jr and Not Terrence Howard blowing some of them up. Poor Terrence Howard. He must watch this and feel so sad that it isn’t a wholly computer-generated image of a robot of roughly his size that’s blowing up other computer-generated robots in a film.

IRON MAN 2 TRAILER SCENE 6

In this scene, Scarlett Johansson makes something hot fire out of Robert Downey Jr’s penis. No, wait, we meant she’s made his weapon ejaculate. No, wait, we meant she’s wanked off his metal shaft. No wait, we… oh, actually we were right. Scarlett Johansson has wanked off Robert Downey Jr’s metal shaft.

IRON MAN 2 TRAILER SCENE 7

In Iron Man 2, the Iron Man suit can be reduced into the size of a portable suitcase. The moral here is that you should never stand behind Robert Downey Jr at airport security. If a line can be held up by someone not taking their laptop out of their bag properly, imagine what they’d do if he tried to put a fully-functioning flying robot through the scanners. You’d be waiting for hours. You’d probably miss your plane. He’s inconsiderate, that’s what Robert Downey Jr is. Screw you, Robert Downey Jr! You can stick your Iron Man 2 up your arse!

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