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Pregnant celebrities

Everyone Loves Sarah Palin’s Redneck Illegitimate Grandkid-Maker

by Stuart Heritage

If you ever wanted to be famous, why not take a leaf out of Levi Johnson’s book and knock up the teenage daughter of a high-ranking politician?

It seems to work – a few days ago, nobody knew who Levi Johnson was. And now, just because he happened to get vice presidential nominee Sarah Palin’s underage daughter pregnant out of wedlock, you literally can’t get away from him. Seriously, he’s been in newspapers, magazines, on TV – and this morning we swear we saw Levi Johnson on a billboard advertising Sunny Delight, accompanied by the slogan ‘So good it’ll make you want to grow a mullet and have unprotected sex with a teenage girl, too!’

And, perversely, Levi Johnson seems to have only made Sarah Palin more popular. Barack Obama must be kicking himself – why can’t he find a nice young redneck to get one of his daughters pregnant too?

If you ever wanted to be famous, why not take a leaf out of Levi Johnson's book and knock up the teenage daughter of a high-ranking politician? It seems to work - a few days ago, nobody knew who Levi Johnson was. And now, just because he happened to get vice presidential nominee Sarah Palin's underage daughter pregnant out of wedlock, you literally can't get away from him. Seriously, he's been in newspapers, magazines, on TV - and this morning we swear we saw Levi Johnson on a billboard advertising Sunny Delight, accompanied by the slogan 'So good it'll make you want to grow a mullet and have unprotected sex with a teenage girl, too!' And, perversely, Levi Johnson seems to have only made Sarah Palin more popular. Barack Obama must be kicking himself - why can't he find a nice young redneck to get one of his daughters pregnant too?
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Call Social Services: Pete Wentz Sings At His Unborn Emo Baby

by Stuart Heritage

By our estimates, Ashlee Simpson has now been pregnant for something like 400 years, approximately zero seconds of which have been remotely interesting.

But it’s never too late to start. So how about this – Pete Wentz, the pointy-haired emo tosswump and the father of Ashlee Simpson’s unborn baby, has declared himself unofficial musical director of the pregnancy and often sings to the baby in its mother’s womb.

It sounds sweet, but you shouldn’t be so easily fooled – for starters Pete Wentz only sings to his baby now because he knows it hasn’t developed the ability to jam its fingers into its ears yet. Also, in retrospect we might have given you the wrong idea – Pete Wentz doesn’t so much enjoy ‘singing to his unborn baby’ as ‘screaming up Ashlee Simpson’s tumpsy’. We assume.

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Charlie Sheen Gets Brooke Mueller Pregnant, Refuses To Learn

by Stuart Heritage

Thank heavens that Charlie Sheen is fertile, for without his potent little sperm there’d be nothing left for him to bitterly argue with his ex-wives over.

And Charlie Sheen is also a long-distance thinker, because he’s just got his ex-wife Brooke Mueller pregnant. This means that as soon as his children with Denise Richards are old enough to think for themselves, he can quickly divorce Brooke Mueller and start having weird little public custody rages with her instead.

Clever Charlie Sheen, he’s always that one step ahead.

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Gwen Stefani Fires Another Baby Into The Ever-Increasing Bag of Celebrity Babies

by Ian Dransfield

Gwen Stefani has gone and done what everyone else in the world of celeb-o-vision has been doing recently. Yes, she’s had a baby with that bloke from over here. You know, that one who used to be semi-famous for that one song his band did. Gavin… something. From Bush. Anyway, whoever he is and Gwen [...]

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Jamie Lynn Spears’ Future Husband Ain’t Married Yet

by Shawn Lindseth

Some places in the world are stymied by plagues of infertility. Take Uganda for instance, people there haven’t had decent sperm for decades. So it is the rest of us find ourselves burdened with the unwelcome responsibility of literally flooding that country with entire tankers full of viable spooj. It’s a difficult task, and sometimes [...]

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Rebecca Romijn Pregnant With Twins! Who’s Rebecca Romijn?

by Stuart Heritage

Like many people, we felt alienated by Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s announcement that they were expecting twins because they’re just so la-di-da and famous and whatnot.

What we needed was to hear that another celebrity couple were expecting twins, but only so long as they barely qualified as celebrities. Not household names, not particularly attractive or critically praised for their jobs. Basically we were waiting for Jerry O’Connell and Rebecca Romijn to announce that they had twins on the way.

So hooray for today, because that’s exactly what has happened. Model and actress Rebecca Romijn has announced that she’s pregnant with twins fathered by Kangaroo Jack and Fat Slags star Jerry O’Connell. Here’s hoping that the twins have their mother’s eyes and their father’s… actually, no, let’s just cross our fingers and pray that the twins escape from the womb with none of Jerry O’Connell’s DNA whatsoever.

Like many people, we felt alienated by Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's announcement that they were expecting twins because they're just so la-di-da and famous and whatnot. What we needed was to hear that another celebrity couple were expecting twins, but only so long as they barely qualified as celebrities. Not household names, not particularly attractive or critically praised for their jobs. Basically we were waiting for Jerry O'Connell and Rebecca Romijn to announce that they had twins on the way. So hooray for today, because that's exactly what has happened. Model and actress Rebecca Romijn has announced that she's pregnant with twins fathered by Kangaroo Jack and Fat Slags star Jerry O'Connell. Here's hoping that the twins have their mother's eyes and their father's... actually, no, let's just cross our fingers and pray that the twins escape from the womb with none of Jerry O'Connell's DNA whatsoever.
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Lee Ryan Out The Running For Father Of The Year

by Matthew Laidlow

For ages, hecklerspray believed that the most intimate act a married couple could engage in was the exchange of saliva when ramming their tongues down each others throats. However, we were proven wrong when we were told that a couple can prove their love for each other by ‘creating a baby’. This literally knocked us [...]

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Angelina Jolie’s Twins To Remain Gut-Bound For The Foreseeable

by Stuart Heritage

When Angelina Jolie was shipped to her maternity clinic a couple of days ago, everyone assumed that it was because she was just about to sprout babies.

No such luck, we’re afraid. Yesterday Angelina Jolie’s obstetrician decided to make a sudden statement on her condition. And then, just when the world was holding its breath for something along the lines of “They’ve been born! And they’re beautiful!” what it actually got was “They’re not ready yet! Come back in a few weeks!”

So Angelina Jolie isn’t going to give birth any time soon, then, although she’s going to be staying in her maternity ward until then anyway. We’re getting a little tired of all this waiting though – Angelina’s got until the end of the week to have her babies, otherwise we go to France armed with a toilet plunger and whatever it is you cut umbilical cords with. Her choice.

When Angelina Jolie was shipped to her maternity clinic a couple of days ago, everyone assumed that it was because she was just about to sprout babies. No such luck, we're afraid. Yesterday Angelina Jolie's obstetrician decided to make a sudden statement on her condition. And then, just when the world was holding its breath for something along the lines of "They've been born! And they're beautiful!" what it actually got was "They're not ready yet! Come back in a few weeks!" So Angelina Jolie isn't going to give birth any time soon, then, although she's going to be staying in her maternity ward until then anyway. We're getting a little tired of all this waiting though - Angelina's got until the end of the week to have her babies, otherwise we go to France armed with a toilet plunger and whatever it is you cut umbilical cords with. Her choice.
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Janet Jackson Demands Babies Instantly

by Stuart Heritage

Janet Jackson’s job basically involves muttering about how sexy she is to nobody in particular in a vaguely constipated way, which must get boring.

So thank heavens that Janet Jackson has finally got broody – she wants a baby so badly that it’s all she can do not to dress up as a nurse and snatch one from a maternity ward somewhere.

That’s according to Janet’s boyfriend Jermaine Dupri, anyway. He says that Janet is so desperate for babies that they’re going to try for one the instant she finishes her upcoming tour. But why wait? if Janet Jackson wants a baby that badly she should throw caution to the wind and just cancel her shows. The fans won’t mind – if they’re Janet Jackson fans they’ll have grown used to the crushing feeling of disappointment anyway.

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Jamie Lynne Spears’ Fetus Now A Baby

by Shawn Lindseth

This time a year ago, Jamie Lynn Spears was an innocent girl with her whole life wonderfully ahead of her. She was skinny and popular, she had her own TV show, and more importantly she probably had no idea what her boyfriends winky-woo could have possibly looked like. Fast forward to now & she's seen [...]

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