By our estimates, Ashlee Simpson has now been pregnant for something like 400 years, approximately zero seconds of which have been remotely interesting.
But it’s never too late to start. So how about this – Pete Wentz, the pointy-haired emo tosswump and the father of Ashlee Simpson’s unborn baby, has declared himself unofficial musical director of the pregnancy and often sings to the baby in its mother’s womb.
It sounds sweet, but you shouldn’t be so easily fooled – for starters Pete Wentz only sings to his baby now because he knows it hasn’t developed the ability to jam its fingers into its ears yet. Also, in retrospect we might have given you the wrong idea – Pete Wentz doesn’t so much enjoy ‘singing to his unborn baby’ as ‘screaming up Ashlee Simpson’s tumpsy’. We assume.
It can’t be long before Ashlee Simpson gives birth, surely. We’ve lost count of how long she’s been pregnant for, so let’s do some backwards maths and find out. Pete Wentz proposed to Ashlee Simpson back in April, and we know now that he only did that because he accidentally knocked her up and then started to panic about it, so that’s, what, five months?
Christ, really? Ashlee Simpson’s still got another four months of pregnancy to go? That’s depressing. Not for us, you understand – in fact, every second without a magazine coverstory about those two Manga-haired wazzocks and their newborn baby is like an eternity in heaven for us – but for the kid itself.
Why? Because at least once its been born the baby can hide or crawl off or carjack a bus or whatever it takes to get away from Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson. Right now it’s trapped with them.
Worse still, the baby is encased in a chamber of amniotic fluid inside Ashlee Simpson at the moment. That means that, while it might be mildly irritating for you when Ashlee Simpson prattles on about nothing all the time, for the baby it’s like being trapped in a swimming pool with the wave machine turned on. That’s tantamount to abuse, surely.
But if that’s not enough, the baby also has to listen to Pete Wentz actually singing at it. Wentz has been speaking to People about the musical direction he’s taking the pregnancy in:
“That’s probably going to be all up to Ashlee – what she picks,” Wentz said. “I couldn’t be like, ‘Oh, you’re going through labor, here’s the music I want you to listen to.’ So, it’s whatever she picks.” That may include his own vocals. Wentz said he sings to the baby “late at night …. Baby’s gotten a couple lullabies.”
Which is all well and good, save for a couple of salient points. First off, Pete Wentz is only the bassist in Fall Out Boy, which means that he’s either got a voice like a burning monkey enclosure or he’s only singing the basslines to the lullabies. Either way, the baby loses.
Secondly, Pete Wentz needs to look out for the latter stages of the third trimester. That’s notoriously when unborn babies start to rebel, so he shouldn’t be surprised if his kid renounces Fall Out Boy as bland pop rubbish and starts getting into My Chemical Romance instead soon.
The Dread Pirate Sausage! says
The lengths some musicians’ll go to to have a fan. It doesn’t seem fair. At this rate the baby’ll be born not even knowing WHY he likes EMO.
All the while…
…internally…
Pete…
…will be laughing.
Shooty* says
“That’s notoriously when unborn babies start to rebel, so he shouldn’t be surprised if his kid renounces Fall Out Boy as bland pop rubbish and starts getting into My Chemical Romance instead soon”
Ha ha, irony, correct bass playing reference and brand, spanking new word “tosswump”. Good article.
pattyrocks says
Burning monkey enclosure…LOL
Chelsey says
Ummmm, i think its SWEET he sings to his baby.
Say whatever,pete’s amazing and you know it.
courtney.j.h says
every one should just leave pete alone its his child he can do whatever he wants to it his music is the best
Shooty* says
The best what?
gir says
“every one should just leave pete alone its his child he can do whatever he wants to it”
I’m pretty sure this opinion is shared by a majority of people.
Vicky says
THIS IS SHIT. YOU CAN’T SAY US THAT A FATHER SINGING TO HIS BABY ISN’T SWEET. APART OF THAT HE IS AN EXCELLENT SINGER AND A VERY GOOD PERSON. DON’T TREAT HIM LIKE THAT. HIS FANS (I’M ONE OF THOSE) DOESN’T LIKE THIS STUPID ARTICLES WRITTEN BY SOMEONE WHO CALLS AN UNBORN BABY EMO. THAT IS UNFORGIVABLE. I THIKN THIS ARTICLE IS A WAIST OF SPACE. PETE ROCKS, ASHLEE ROCKS AND THEY ARE HAPPY! LEAVE THEM! WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Vicky says
sorry if i made a mistake writing (like this instead of these) I’m argentinian
theeveryman says
Now, Stuart, who the hell do you think you are? You’re just jealous because you’re a 40 year old man living in your mothers basement and can get a girl to even look at you. You take the time to bash good, successful people because you were never ‘good enough’.
Grow up and take your feelings out on something else. Ever try MUSIC? yeah, man, thats what Pete does instead of bashing other people.
So, Hey, Mr. Heritage…, it’s time to take your head out of your ass and stop acting like a major dick.
You have no honor.