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Pregnant celebrities

Little Girl Pulled Screaming Out Of Jessica Alba’s Naughty Bits

by Paul Sorrenti

A little girl has been coaxed out of Jessica Alba’s vagina in what scientists are referring to as a ‘birth’.

According to the scientists, who have conducted ‘research’, Jessica Alba had sex with her husband, Cash Warren, approximately nine months ago and, as far as hecklerspray can deduce, this is somehow linked to the emergence of the little girl.

They have decided to name the little girl Honor Marie Warren. Giving the girl a tag such as this will help to identify her when there are two or more little girls in the same room and in later life people can call out this name in order to get the girls attention. Pretty smart when you think about it. Saves a lot of faffing.

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Paris Hilton Isn’t Pregnant. Jurassic Park!

by Paul Sorrenti

It’s a scary time to be alive. Every where you look there are people dying, mothers crying, politicians lying and girlfriends prying.

We are told that global warming is going to drown us, or that international terrorism is going to blow us up, or that Paris Hilton is going to have a baby – It’s all too much. The human body hasn’t evolved the capacity to deal with such misery, and so it seems that mass suicide is the only reasonable option.

But wait! Put down your nooses, brothers and sisters! Kick off those high heels, rip off those fish-nets and spit that orange to the floor, because it would appear that Paris Hilton aint pregnant after all!

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Jamie Lynn Spears Gets A ‘Stalky’ Paparazzo Arrested

by Stuart Heritage

Poor old Jamie Lynn Spears – ever since Miley Cyrus decided to show some of her back off to the world, people just aren’t as interested in pregnant teenagers.

That might just be for the best though, because as soon as anyone does show the slightest bit on interest in Jamie Lynn Spears, she flips out and gets them arrested for stalking her, which is what happened to photographer Edwin Merrino a couple of days ago.

Merrino denies the charges, but then again who can blame Jamie Lynn Spears for protecting her unborn child so fiercely? If she starts letting strangers get to close to it, then the baby might hear their voice and start to prenatally learn words and concepts that Jamie Lynn Spears herself doesn’t understand. Have you ever become the slave of a malevolent super-intelligent unborn baby dictator? It isn’t very bloody nice, trust us.

Poor old Jamie Lynn Spears - ever since Miley Cyrus decided to show some of her back off to the world, people just aren't as interested in pregnant teenagers. That might just be for the best though, because as soon as anyone does show the slightest bit on interest in Jamie Lynn Spears, she flips out and gets them arrested for stalking her, which is what happened to photographer Edwin Merrino a couple of days ago. Merrino denies the charges, but then again who can blame Jamie Lynn Spears for protecting her unborn child so fiercely? If she starts letting strangers get to close to it, then the baby might hear their voice and start to prenatally learn words and concepts that Jamie Lynn Spears herself doesn't understand. Have you ever become the slave of a malevolent super-intelligent unborn baby dictator? It isn't very bloody nice, trust us.
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Clay Aiken Impregnates 50 Year Old Woman Who’s Really Been Asking For It

by Shawn Lindseth

Gay community – red rover red rover send Clay Aiken on over!

Because a woman is currently pregnant with his child. That’s right, we said a woman is currently pregnant with Clay Aiken’s baby – a female woman too, not the cheap kind with the snap-on lady parts.

Not only did he render a woman with-child using nothing but the powers of his magic mind, but it’s some 50-year-old woman too – one who mathematically speaking should have been barren at least 20 years ago. But why isn’t she barren? We don’t know – but we assume it has something to do with her rubbing stereo speakers all over her woo-woo while Measure of a Man plays on repeat in the cassette player.

And we want you all to know we’re serious about that too – Africa’s population is currently booming for that same Aiken woo-woo rubbing reason – it really works!

Gay community – red rover red rover send Clay Aiken on over! Because a woman is currently pregnant with his child. That’s right, we said a woman is currently pregnant with Clay Aiken’s baby – a female woman too, not the cheap kind with the snap-on lady parts. Not only did he render a woman with-child using nothing but the powers of his magic mind, but it’s some 50-year-old woman too – one who mathematically speaking should have been barren at least 20 years ago. But why isn’t she barren? We don’t know – but we assume it has something to do with her rubbing stereo speakers all over her woo-woo while Measure of a Man plays on repeat in the cassette player. And we want you all to know we’re serious about that too – Africa’s population is currently booming for that same Aiken woo-woo rubbing reason - it really works!
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Ashlee Simpson Definitely Pregnant With Wentzbaby No.1

by Stuart Heritage

Speculation about whether or not Pete Wentz only married Ashlee Simpson because she was pregnant has been raging on for months – but now the mystery is over.

He did! Pete Wentz did only marry Ashlee Simpson because he accidentally knocked her up and then felt bound by guilt and duty to quickly marry her and hope that nobody would notice. By which we mean Ashlee Simpson is pregnant! Definitely pregnant!

It was never really a very well-kept secret, but apparently Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson hadn’t confirmed the pregnancy before because of fears for the unborn baby. But now it’s out in the open Pete and Ashlee can totally start their hardball negotiations for magazine photoshoots and baby hair straightener product endorsement deals and shit.

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Jessica Alba Gets Married, Shotgun Style

by Stuart Heritage

As the Bible states, “If thou accidentally knock a girl up and can’t convince her to get rid of it, thou has to marry her.”

And if anyone knows that it’s Cash Warren, the man who recently managed to get Jessica Alba pregnant. Because, frightened that God would curse the baby with stupidity or – worse still – not looking like Jessica Alba if He found out that the baby was conceived out of wedlock, Jessica Alba and Cash Warren have snuck off and got married.

So congratulations to Jessica Alba and Cash Warren. When we get married, we want it to do it in a last-minute panic because an unplanned pregnancy has ruined the rest of our lives, too. That Jessica Alba, she’s so lucky.

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Britney Spears Not Pregnant, Just Fat From Gobbling Brain Pills

by Stuart Heritage

You may have been aware of rumours suggesting that Britney Spears had somehow managed to get pregnant.

Well, relax, because apparently she isn’t. True, Britney Spears might have a bit of a belly on her at the moment, but Britney says it’s just her bipolar medication bloating her stomach out.

But that’s the thing with psychiatric brain medication, isn’t it? Full of carbs. If only Britney Spears was diagnosed with another illness – like some kind of horrific wasting disease or the Ebola virus – instead of bipolar disorder, then they’d be lovely and happy and thin as a rake. No wonder she’s so mental.

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Ashlee Simpson Gets Married, Turns Out She’s Pregnant

by Paul Sorrenti

Hooray for love and life! Ashlee Simpson has married Fall Out Boy bassist Pete Wentz and has a little celebrity hybrid leeching on her insides.

They swapped declarations of love and commitment in front of close friends and family yesterday during a fairytale (it was Alice in Wonderland themed) wedding ceremony and Ashlee chose to reveal her pregnancy to everyone at the reception, OK! Magazine reported.

Barely a month has passed since Ashlee announced her engagement to Wentz. Barely a month has passed since the pregnancy rumours started. Back then Pete Wentz said this:

There is a witch hunt for people to be pregnant whenever they get engaged in Hollywood. This is all news to me.

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Now Dustin Hoffman Blabs About Angelina Jolie’s Due Date

by Stuart Heritage

Angelina Jolie must be wondering why she even bothered going all the way to poxy Cannes.

Supposedly there to promote Kung Fu Panda, Angelina Jolie has actually ended up having to sit in a room with her co-stars and listen to them carping on about all the secrets of her pregnancy. First Jack Black accidentally confirmed that Angelina Jolie was pregnant with twins, and now Dustin Hoffman has apparently revealed that her babies are due to be born on August 19.

But that’s nothing, because Angelina’s other Kung Fu Panda co-star Jackie Chan refuses to be outdone – and you’ll discover why just as soon as he’s finished bronzing his 30ft papier mache representation of what the inside of Angelina Jolie’s dilating cervix looks like.

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Angelina Jolie Officially Pregnant With Twins! Twiiiiins!

by Stuart Heritage

Anyone with even a passing interest in this stuff will have known for ages that Angelina Jolie is pregnant with twins.

But, people, guess what – Angelina Jolie is pregnant! With twins!

And this time it’s official, because Jack Black accidentally shot his gob off about how many kids Angelina Jolie was hiding up her uterus during a promotional interview for Kung-Fu Panda in Cannes, and Angelina Jolie was forced to confirm it. In other unrelated news, the bear community is also kind of pissed off at Jack Black for accidentally breaking the story that they occasionally shit in the woods from time to time.

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