As the Bible states, “If thou accidentally knock a girl up and can’t convince her to get rid of it, thou has to marry her.”
And if anyone knows that it’s Cash Warren, the man who recently managed to get Jessica Alba pregnant. Because, frightened that God would curse the baby with stupidity or – worse still – not looking like Jessica Alba if He found out that the baby was conceived out of wedlock, Jessica Alba and Cash Warren have snuck off and got married.
So congratulations to Jessica Alba and Cash Warren. When we get married, we want it to do it in a last-minute panic because an unplanned pregnancy has ruined the rest of our lives, too. That Jessica Alba, she’s so lucky.
We’ve always been jealous of those children who can count backwards from their birthday and only get three or four months in before they get to their parents’ wedding anniversary. Because nothing says ‘I love you’ more than the nagging sense that your parents never really loved each other and only got married to appease their own guilt and that they both secretly resent you for it.
That’s something Little Baby Alba will come to experience in time, because now that Jessica Alba is heavily pregnant, her boyfriend Cash Warren has decided to get married to her.
Apparently Jessica and Cash got married in Beverly Hills on Monday and – following the new regulations stating that celebrities must make their weddings seem far more important than they actually are by not telling anyone first – it was all done in secret. The Los Angeles Times reports:
Jessica Alba and Cash Warren tied the legal knot yesterday (Monday) in the Beverly Hills courthouse, saying their “I do’s” under an white trellis arch entwined with green and white fake flowers. Jessica wore a long blue dress, with her hair in a ponytail. Cash wore a white shirt and brown pants. They applied for a marriage license and waited about 40 minutes for the processing before a staff member married them.
Ah, the enchanting beaurocracy of it all. We’re misting up just thinking about it. Still, just because Jessica Alba dumped Cash Warren once before she got pregnant and several times afterwards, it doesn’t mean that they aren’t meant to be together. Unless it does. It probably does in hindsight, actually. Whoops.
Anyway, figuring out that her parents probably just got married because of nothing more than an outmoded sense of guilt won’t be too much of an issue for Unborn Alba Female Number One to deal with. That’ll actually be third on her list of neuroses after the fact that her mother only communicates with her in garbled kindergarten Spanish and the deep shame she’ll feel once she’s figured out that at least one of her parents was directly responsible for Good Luck Chuck.
We wouldn’t like to be her when that kicks in.
Read more:
Jessica Alba and Cash Warren’s no-frills wedding ceremony – LAT
munch says
Oh God.
Stuart, you are too funny.
Aaand that’s all I have to say on the matter.
justice says
That is pretty messed up that a man would marry a woman because she is pregnant…Whatever happened to marrying someone because you love them and what to spend the rest of your life with that person??? Not getting married cause you knocked her up…. CRAZY…