We're starting to get the impression that Jessica Alba is running out of ways to keep her pregnancy sexy.
That's not to say that she didn't do a good job initially – in the early stages Jessica Alba all but demanded that everyone in the vicinity had to gawp at her massive new boobs for hours on end. But then that was followed by a confusing mid-section where Jessica Alba revealed that she kept chucking her boyfriend out. That's a sort of fiery thing to do, and fiery can sometimes be a little bit sexy, so we all went along with it.
And now? Now Jessica Alba has announced that, um, she's only going to talk Spanish to her new baby. Which is… well, it's crap, let's not beat around the bush.
Poor old Jessica Alba. Thanks to Jennifer Lopez's stupendous pregnancy, she's been relegated all over town. She hasn't got the biggest bump, she's not the most famous pregnant Latino, she's not even the most famous pregnant mother whose name begins with the letter J.
But, as we've already maintained, what Jessica Alba has got is a giant gob that she's unable to keep quiet. On and on, she goes, yapping away about every single detail of her pregnancy from how much she likes it to how big her tits have got to how much of a demented hormone monster it's turned her into. On and on and on. At least we can turn Jessica Alba off – her unborn baby must be doing its nut.
But, hey, Jessica Alba's unborn baby had better learn to appreciate all the English it hears coming out of her mouth, because Jessica Alba has pledged to only speak Spanish to it from the second it emerges from her body. And it's all because Jessica Alba hates her dad. Or something. IOL reports:
Jessica Alba will speak nothing but Spanish when her baby is born later this year because she regretted not picking up the language of her grandparents when she was a child. "I wish to God that my dad spoke Spanish to my brother and me, but he didn't grow up with it. Hopefully I can pick it up because I want my kids to speak Spanish. I don't even want them to speak English for maybe the first two to three years, until pre-school. We're in the United States so they're going to learn it anyway."
What a selfless thing for Jessica Alba to commit herself to do. But it won't be easy, only talking to a child in a second language. That's why we here at hecklerspray have decided to help Jessica Alba out with a few choice Spanish phrases she'll need as a mother, starting from her labour:
- Obtener esta maldita rata mal fuera de mi cuerpo – Get this fucking evil rat out of my body.
- Deje de llorar, por el amor de dios que usted acaba de dejar de llorar por un segundo – Stop crying, for the love of god would you stop crying just for a second.
- Yo solía ser tan bonita – I used to be so pretty.
- Juro a Dios, si no que este jodido alimentos en su boca follando estoy poniendo el pie en la eliminación de desechos – I swear to god, if you don't put this fucking food in your fucking mouth I'm putting your foot in the garbage disposal.
- Lamento que cada vez que ridículo 'sólo español' promesa a usted – I regret ever making that ridiculous 'Spanish only' promise to you.
Read and repeat, Jessica, read and repeat
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emma says
that traduction is WRONG
who made it? it´s BS
anyway i think she should talk to her baby in english and spanish
so he can get used to both languajes
King Jimbo says
I think that I should speak English to her baby as it’s still in the womb, whlie I suckle on the mothers swolen boobs.
Captain Amazing says
lol Yo solía ser tan bonita – I used to be so pretty. /lol
That was STRAIGHT FUNNY!!
ashley says
This is just wack. Jessica Alba is going be a great mother and she never said she was going to speak to this baby in “only” spanish. Of course the baby’s going to learn both languages.
mike says
wow..and i thought she was actually a normal “latina”
i hope her kids grow up to wash dishes and mow my lawns. what an ignorant thing to do…mira mira.
mike says
i wish my mother spoke to me only in the language my great grandparents spoke. what a joke…what fucking country are you in?!