Speculation about whether or not Pete Wentz only married Ashlee Simpson because she was pregnant has been raging on for months – but now the mystery is over.
He did! Pete Wentz did only marry Ashlee Simpson because he accidentally knocked her up and then felt bound by guilt and duty to quickly marry her and hope that nobody would notice. By which we mean Ashlee Simpson is pregnant! Definitely pregnant!
It was never really a very well-kept secret, but apparently Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson hadn’t confirmed the pregnancy before because of fears for the unborn baby. But now it’s out in the open Pete and Ashlee can totally start their hardball negotiations for magazine photoshoots and baby hair straightener product endorsement deals and shit.
Babies are truly magical things. Magical bundles of noise and poo who only grow up to resent you, then move out and never call except for maybe on your birthday if they remember. But maybe that’s something we should let Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson discover for themselves, because they’re about to discover exactly that.
The cat and mouse game where we were the cat and Ashlee Simpson’s pulsating uterus was the unpleasant mouse has now come to an end. Sure, Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz put up a good fight, spinning out ridiculous lie after ridiculous lie like ‘Ashlee Simpson isn’t pregnant‘ and ‘I like to keep some things private‘ and ‘we’re getting married because we love each other‘ – but biology has won out in the end.
Because, before it becomes obvious and Ashlee Simpson starts waddling around everywhere in a bad mood because her back hurts and she keeps accidentally pissing herself, she and Pete Wentz have decided to officially confirm the pregnancy by leaving this statement on a website:
“While many have speculated about this, we wanted to wait until after the first trimester to officially confirm that we are expecting our first child. This is truly the most joyous time in our lives and we are excited to share the happy news and start our family.”
Of course, waiting until the first trimester has passed before making an announcement is the received protocol for a pregnancy, because that’s statistically the most dangerous time for an unborn child. It’s just bad luck that the news was mysteriously leaked around the time that Pete Wentz developed a startled panicky look in his eye and bundled Ashlee Simpson through a sudden engagement into a suspiciously last-minute wedding. We’ll never know how the secret got out.
But this still means that Ashlee Simpson still has six months of pregnancy left, which is plenty of time to make preparations before the baby’s birth. And by ‘preparations’ we obviously mean ‘let Joe Simpson get ready to push it through a merciless childhood-stealing cycle of training and auditions to the obvious detriment of every other aspect of its life’. It’s the Simpson way, we hear.
Still, congratulations to Pete Wentz and especially Ashlee Simpson, who now has six months of explosive uncontrollable tantrums and screaming “Fuck OFF! Can’t you see I’m PREGNANT?” at everyone who comes within 20 feet of her to look forward to. Golden times.