Ashlee Simpson is either pregnant or not pregnant, and if you’ve spent more than one second thinking about it you probably deserve to be drowned.

And, even though most people wouldn’t even give a soggy fart about Ashlee Simpson’s unborn baby even if was 300 feet tall and had lasers for eyes, it hasn’t stopped Ashlee Simpson from going on TV and being all like ‘maybe I am, maybe I’m not’ some more in the vain hope that all this pointless teasing will sell some more copies of her album.

It’s a tactic that Ashlee Simpson has clearly spent a lot of time thinking about. More than one second, in fact. So it goes without saying that she should be drowned. We don’t make the rules.

Pregnancy is a such a personal thing that no woman should be forced to talk about it in public – unless they’re Jessica Alba, because she comes out with some hilarious shit sometimes. But if a woman doesn’t want to discuss her pregnancy in public, apparently it still means they’re allowed to talk discuss the idea of their pregnancy in public so often that even their potential unborn children get so sick of hearing it that they try to strangle themselves with the own umbilical cord.

Yes, Ashlee Simpson, we’re looking at you. After her sudden engagement to Fall Out Boy glockenspielist Pete Wentz a fortnight ago, word immediately got around that Pete only proposed because Ashlee Simpson was super pregnant with a bundle of little emo babies. And that’s where the confusion started.

First Pete Wentz denied that Ashlee Simpson is pregnant, and then someone said that actually Ashlee Simpson is pregnant. All the while Ashlee maintained the public stance that a woman’s right to try and promote her new album with a tired old pregnancy rumour was sacred.

And so to Ashlee Simpson’s appearance on The Ellen DeGeneres Show, to be broadcast today. Could Ellen finally uncover the truth about Ashlee Simpson’s ovaries, or would it just be another lame excuse for Ashlee Simpson to try and whip up public speculation so she could get in more magazines than she already is? You have a guess. People reports:

When asked directly, “Are you or are you not pregnant?” Simpson demurred: “Well, that has been going on for quite a while. That is something that I choose personally not to discuss.” She then skillfully changed the subject. “Do I look like I had 10 cheeseburgers or something?” she asked the audience, standing up to show her still-slim figure. “Because I don’t think I do.”

No, Ashlee, you don’t look as if you’ve had 10 cheeseburgers. You look like an idiot who won’t shut up.

Honestly, Ashlee Simpson had better be pregnant after all of this, because her fans just aren’t going to stand for being messed around with. You can’t just exploit various aspects of your personal life for material gain and expect to come out of it unscathed. It’s not like anyone in Ashlee Simpson’s family is stupid enough to do that, is it?

Oh.

Read more:

Ashlee Simpson Dodges Pregnancy Questions – Again – People