It’s a scary time to be alive. Everywhere you look there are people dying, mothers crying, politicians lying and girlfriends prying.
We are told global warming is going to drown us, terrorists are going to blow us up and Paris Hilton is going to have a baby – it’s all too much.
The human body hasn’t evolved the capacity to deal with such misery, and so it seems that mass suicide is the only reasonable option.
But wait! Put down your nooses, brothers and sisters! Kick off those high heels, rip off those fish nets and spit that orange to the floor, because it would appear that Paris Hilton aint pregnant after all!
Yeah, we’re still gonna drown and be blown up, but really, who cares?
The showbiz world bust a nut recently when it was reported aris Hilton’s belly had expanded to the size of a less malnourished girl’s. There seemed to be two options:
1) She ate something
2) She was pregnant
Naturally, everyone thought she was pregnant. On first hearing the news, one reliable source spoke for us all when he told Hecklerspray:
Fuck! Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck! Fuck. Oh, just fuck it all, I mean, seriously, bollocks to it! Shit, you know? Jesus Christ.
But a source who witnessed Paris Hilton on Friday night, dancing, drinking champagne and smoking cigarettes at Tao nightclub in Las Vegas, where she was filming her MTV reality show, Paris Hilton’s My New BFF, said that it’s clear the she isn’t pregnant at all:
She’s clearly not pregnant.
See?
You’re probably thinking what we’re thinking, and what we’re thinking is this: It is quite easy to envisage Paris Hilton drinking and smoking while pregnant, just as it is quite easy to imagine her saying ‘my mum smoke and drank while she was pregnant with me, and look how I turned out!’
On the other hand, it’s also quite easy to imagine that, if Paris was to ever have an abortion, this is how she would go about celebrating it. And who could blame her? That’s one Paris Hilton party that Hecklerspray would be delighted to join in on.
We’d turn up early, be vomiting over the karaoke machine before the clock struck 7pm, before belting out the best rendition of KC and the Sunshine Band that we could muster. Come on!
But still, rather than throw your nooses away, probably best just store them in the cupboard for a while, you know, to be on the safe side.
Sarah says
No, bad heiress. No breeding.
toolahroolahroolah says
Humanity has dodged a bullet.
We may not be as lucky next time.