Jamie Lynn Spears Sent Sarah Palin’s Kid Nothing, Actually

Heartbreaking news - Sarah Palin’s illegitimate grandkid will grow up bereft of overpriced burp cloths with ‘Yummy’ embroidered on them.

You know those reports yesterday saying that Jamie Lynn Spears had sent Bristol Palin a bunch of baby gifts as a kindly reminder that she isn’t the only teenage girl to bring shame on her family by letting a redneck hump her without a condom until she got pregnant? Yeah, didn’t happen. Jamie Lynn Spears’ mother Lynne has denied the whole story.

If that’s the case, poor old Bristol Palin. It’s one thing to illuminate the schism between Sarah Palin’s personal and professional ideals while watching her unborn baby get hijacked as a political football by all sides, but getting the stinkeye from Zoey 101? That has to sting.

You know what? We’re starting to feel a little bit sorry for Bristol Palin. She’s just your average pregnant horny teenage girl from the backwoods who probably only became sexually active in the first place to make up for all the self-esteem she lost by being named after a crappy British town, and now she’s trapped in the middle of a giant political poofight.

And Bristol Palin can’t win - on one hand she’s cynically being held up as an example of the right’s ideological hypocrisy; and on the other the only people defending her seem to be angry idiots.

But worst of all, Bristol Palin’s not even going to get any free shit from Britney Spears’ sister out of this either.

Yesterday we reported that Jamie Lynn Spears had sent Bristol Palin some baby burp cloths because she knows what it’s like to be a randy teenager who doesn’t understand birth control properly. And it was a sweet story, too - Jamie Lynn Spears even wrote Bristol Palin a card saying “Dear Bristol: Hang in there!!!!! XOXO” which, while short on actual words, utilised teenage girls’ fondness for overaggressive punctuation in a staggeringly heartfelt way, we’re sure you’ll agree.

Except it didn’t happen. Jamie Lynn Spears’ mother Lynne has been quick to deny that anything was sent whatsoever, and that if Bristol Palin’s stupid baby ever belches crap all over Bristol Palin’s moronic back she should try wiping it off with her own hair or a pair of Sarah Palin’s grotty knickers. We’re paraphrasing. E! Online reports:

“I just got off the phone with Lynne. I can tell you that she hasn’t sent her any gifts, but that she does support Sarah and, of course, can empathize with their situation,” Curt Handling, Spears’ publicist at the Thomas Nelson publishing company, tells E! News.

We’re not sure if it was meant as one, but we’re taking that as a solid political endorsement of Sarah Palin from the Spears family. Sarah Palin must be so thrilled - at least now, if she ever becomes vice president, she knows she has an expert strategist on call should Mahmoud Ahmadinejad ever heighten international tensions by going out with no pants on or rubbing dogshit into his pretty frock during a photoshoot with OK! magazine or something.

But just because Sarah Palin’s doing alright out of this, it doesn’t mean that Bristol Palin is. Her one shot at having a celebrity friend who truly understands what it’s like to be too stupid to know how condoms work has been blown forever. After all, sometimes we think that trinkets from minor celebrities are the only good thing about having a baby.

Obscure pregnant Jesus girl from that film nobody saw - now’s your time to step up. Send Bristol a bib or something. Make things right, why don’t you.