Everyone Loves Sarah Palin’s Redneck Illegitimate Grandkid-Maker
If you ever wanted to be famous, why not take a leaf out of Levi Johnson’s book and knock up the teenage daughter of a high-ranking politician?
It seems to work - a few days ago, nobody knew who Levi Johnson was. And now, just because he happened to get vice presidential nominee Sarah Palin’s underage daughter pregnant out of wedlock, you literally can’t get away from him. Seriously, he’s been in newspapers, magazines, on TV - and this morning we swear we saw Levi Johnson on a billboard advertising Sunny Delight, accompanied by the slogan ‘So good it’ll make you want to grow a mullet and have unprotected sex with a teenage girl, too!’
And, perversely, Levi Johnson seems to have only made Sarah Palin more popular. Barack Obama must be kicking himself - why can’t he find a nice young redneck to get one of his daughters pregnant too?
Sorry Democrats, we know you’ve put Diddy on the case, but not even his star wattage can help you now. Not now you’re up against the mighty Sarah Palin. She’s literally unstoppable.
Why? Because for a start she’s pretty. Not pretty pretty, mind you - politician pretty, which is basically where anyone under the age of 65 who doesn’t look like a greying testicle counts as stunningly attractive. Secondly, Sarah Palin loves guns and the death penalty, meaning that middle America would only love her more if she was biologically a monster truck. And thirdly, her teenage daughter sounds a bit slutty and careless.
As you’ve probably heard, Sarah Palin’s 17-year-old daughter Bristol is pregnant. A pregnant teenage unmarried daughter? What a genius career move - Sarah Palin has essentially done a Jamie Lynn Spears. If you’re wondering, doing a Jamie Lynn Spears is much smarter than doing a Britney Spears, although not as smart as doing a Vanessa Hudgens.
Sadly Sarah Palin knows who the father of her daughter’s unborn illegitimate baby is, otherwise they could have done an episode of Maury about it and wrap up the election right now. The father of the baby is Levi Johnson, an ice hockey player who described himself as a ‘fuckin’ redneck’ on his now-defunct MySpace page.
And right now Levi Johnson is probably wondering what the hell he’s got himself into.
Not only is he (probably) being railroaded into marrying Sarah Palin’s daughter so that Palin can show everyone how pro-life and pro-heterosexuality and pro-redneck she really is, but Levi Johnson’s also been forced to go to the Republican National Convention this week, too, according to his mother. People reports:
Sherry Johnston told reporters that Levi left Alaska on Tuesday to fly to St. Paul, Minn., according to the Associated Press… Asked to respond to reports that the young couple had been pressured to marry, Sherry Johnston replied, “Absolutely not.” She said that Levi and Bristol had plans to marry even before they learned that Bristol was pregnant.
So, thanks to a moment of thoughtlessness, Levi Johnson now gets to spend the best part of a week hanging round with a load of dusty old men who only talk about tax cuts and immigrants. The message is clear - kids, wear a condom. That sounds worse than chlamydia.
Elmo had help
i get it…wooo i’m a giant cunt.
still apathetic.
I can’t be fucked to read all those comments but I’m fairly sure it’s mostly your fault gir.
Although when reviewing my comment I also read elmo’s comment and thought I might remind him that the scum Americans always came in late to “save the world” in two world wars and only after they had made a fucking big profit out of it.
To illustrate my point, Great Britain is still paying off those “Liberty” ships that the USA sold them that rolled like your 12yo sister in the hay with your cousin and your brother elmo.
Wow, I have a little too much of a life to read every single comment here, but I made it through a good chunk of them. Still amazing yet not surprising. Why do so many people not vote? Why is voter apathy especially prevalent amongst twenty-somethings? Read through this bullshit. This is why. Sorry, but we overly-entitled, better-off-than-our-parents, immature little ingrates are just too special and important for this nonsense. Go ahead and rip each other apart, we don’t care, and just like in ‘04, we aren’t voting. Please just leave us alone and let us buy our consumer goods and live our upper-middle-class lives in peace.
hahahaha no i wasnt talking about you sarah
and j bollocks is still a huge retard fag
oh, perhaps i was being a little defensive. and yeah, he’s a douche bag, that’s for sure.
most twenty-something americans don’t bother voting because we know how pointless it is, illustrated in horrifying detail by the election in 2000. the electoral college elects our president, not us. the popular vote doesn’t count for shit, and we know it. so on election day, i’m rolling up a phatty and and heading to the clairmont lounge with a stack of ones, cause that’s going to do more to stimulate our languishing economy than this stupid farce of an election. Bush’s economics are the worst thing to happen to this country since pantyhose ruined finger fucking…to borrow one from the eloquent Lyndon B. Johnson. they don’t make them like they used to.
Looks like you’re in there with Sarah gir, See I DO have my uses!
no, no, you’re still absolutely useless, never fear.
I love the way people get excited about girls on the internet. Do you people not know - There Are No Girls On The Internet.
I’m a girl
I hope Hyde knew that. Quite a bombshell for a Tuesday afternoon.
Of course she does. She loves me for me.
gir - sit back and take a breather. you have better things to say than to respond to this trivial non-sense in this thread. Our two largest cities are anchorage and Fairbanks respectively. Everthing else is small town. The mat-su valley and the kenai peninsula were founded by homesteaders. Mostly farmers. These communitites mostly kept to themselves, and preferred this way of like. Over twenty years ago anchorage was becoming overly citified and thus a mass exodus to the mat-su valley and the kenia peninsula began. This redneck thing is as follow: for years the high schoolers have had an ongoing battle with each other and by each other I mean those in the city and those outside of the city. Anchorage and Fairbanks are the “city†and those outside of these city limits are considered country or rednecks. So. in the face of high school spirit these students, mostly boys competing in sports will say “yeah bring it on!!†we’re rednecks and we’ll kick you city a**. It’s that simple no big deal unless you’re the media looking for sensationalism. As far as those three dummies, how can anybody put any substance behind immature high school girls. We all know that 99 % of what we are given to ready is all taken out of context.
So when did standing up to the plate and taking responsibility for your actions become such a horrible thing? There are so many young men who walk away from their pregnant girlfriends and never look back.
It is my opinion that we need to teach the consequences that come with having sex, in school and at home. Sarah palin’s stand on this issue is from being a Christian, which is not to say she will try or can for that matter to change government policy on this. She is entitled to her beliefs as we all are. Ain’t america great!!
Bad karma comes from shooting animal for trophy not for food. Two completely different issues.
This website will you an insight to policies for hunting and fishing in our state.
http://www.alaskaoutdoorcouncil.org/about.html
this website will tell you about aerial wolf hunting
http://www.slate.com/id/2199140/
we belong to nra so we can have guns to keep Hollywood out of our state.
AHAHAHA shut up you stupid hick
i’m no hick gir. i had a preconcieved notion that you had both intelligence and common sense. i was quite wrong and very disappointed . you have neither. what makes you so hateful?
not only are you a stupid hick you are annoying
AND IM VERY INTELLIGENT my mom said so it’s just so HARD TO post on INTERNET
Sarah, here’s a hint from someone who’s undoubtedly better educated and better looking than you. Go fuck yourself.
dianeKPB, I’m with you re gir. Like all small minded critters it responds best to a good kicking. Don’t try to reason… Put your ideas up and then kick the pricks who can’t be bothered to read them, let alone understand them.
I still can’t tell whether some insane asylum in the US lets their inmates on the web, or some Japanese hacker decided to create some blogging web-bot using every worst known feature of humanity.
PS Love the way Joke Police comes to girs rescue after implying gir was a frothy-mouth dick!
I can feel an epic romance coming on. J Bollocks and dianeKPD - it’s meant to be.
AHAHAHA the dude that gets all upset over internet haiku contests is calling me small-minded
I feel vindicated
mommies will tell their sad little boys anything so they stop crying
gir, oops i forgot, i’ve got a life…
i’m not sure how looks became a part of the discussion, seeing as you don’t know what i look like…as for your level of education, i have no idea because i don’t know anything about your background. i doubt you’re smarter than me, however, because you’re not so good with logic and critical thinking. but eh, i’m not too bent out of shape about it, because i am hot, and you know, that’s pretty great. the perks are nice…
and perhaps you forgot you had a life because you don’t really have one, afterall…
touche’ lol
ps love those perks
I gotta say, I’m 16 years old and am pretty conservative, which I guess statistically would be surprising to many people, however, I am open minded an am willing to listen to both sides of the political spectrum even if I have to listen to a whole bunch of bull-shit, which is how it went this year. I do have one really good friend who is a democrat and she was really excited about Barrack Obama winning the election, I however am not convinced he is going to be as great as he personnally has hyped himself up to be. But let me get to the point. Like I said, I’m a conservative and also open-minded, and I’ve got to say, reading some of what these liberal democrats wrote on this forum reassured me that I am on the right side of things. Every single one of these posts by democrats is defensive. Why would you have to be that defensive if you knew what you believed in or what you were saying was correct or morally sound. Abortion is the most sick, disgusting thing I have ever heard of in my life. Backing my belief in this is the fact that in getting an abortion, you are failing to take responsibility for your own actions, which I feel is often the mantra for any democrat. They don’t want to take care of their mistakes. Also, having an aunt who can’t have children, it makes me sick to think that a perfectly healthy woman couldn’t at the least go through with just 9 months (not even a year) of child-bearing so that someone else could adopt that child and love it as their own. The second reason why this forum has reassured me is because not only is nearly every entry by a democratic highly defensive, it is also filled with random four-letter words that shouldn’t even be in anyone’s vocabulary. The language is so vile and not only that, it makes you look stupid and way undereducated. Everyone says a swear word occasionally, but when you say them every other word it tells a lot about a person. First of all, they are most likely not the most morally upright person, secondly, if they are going to say those words in excess, they have nothing interesting or good to say. If I had something interesting or important to say, I wouldn’t be cussing every other word. It’s a HUGE turn off. Nobody feels comfortable and the person who is doing it just sounds ignorant. You know what? When these liberals on this forum went off on their defensive f this c that rants they sounded so much more like the “stupid redneck republicans” than anyone else. I’d like to end this by saying that I mean no disrespect towards all democrats. That said, I don’t worship every republican either. I am simply saying that the way most democrats act on forums like this is atrocious and hateful, two qualities that make me less and less likely to even consider what you are thinking (not that I’d agree with it, but I might look at it). If someone bashed me for being too pro-life, I take that as a compliment. Nobody would flaunt that they were an atheist or that they were racist! Why would anyone be proud to be for abortions? I’m glad I’m anti-abortion, so thanks for making me feel good about myself, I would say. Also, when reading this, keep in mind that one of my best friends and a couple of my other friends are democrats, so I would most certainly not discriminate against all, I am simply against most of the ones who wrote messages above mine.
Long message over….
~young republican
Pretty liberal with the words though.
I can’t believe you called me a sweary defensive liberal, you cunty cuntbag. I am about as defensive as Keegan-era Newcastle and definitely not fucking sweary.
‘Nobody would flaunt that they were an atheist or that they were racist’ - now atheism is as bad as racism. Help.
ps cunt
hahaha holy shit look at this pile of 16 year old pronouncements:
“Backing my belief in this is the fact that in getting an abortion, you are failing to take responsibility for your own actions, which I feel is often the mantra for any democrat.”
“it makes me sick to think that a perfectly healthy woman couldn’t at the least go through with just 9 months (not even a year) of child-bearing”
“Everyone says a swear word occasionally, but when you say them every other word it tells a lot about a person. First of all, they are most likely not the most morally upright person,”
and the coup-de-grace of hypocritical stupidity:
“I’d like to end this by saying that I mean no disrespect towards all democrats.”
Let me put these right next to each other, because the juxtaposition is simply breathtaking:
“you are failing to take responsibility for your own actions, which I feel is often the mantra for any democrat.”
cf.
“I’d like to end this by saying that I mean no disrespect towards all democrats.”
Reading comprehension questions:
1) Compare and contrast the two above statements. Highlight the difference between the usage of “any” and “all”.
2) Attempt to explain how these statements are not contradictory. Failing that, insult liberals and/or democrats and call them defensive.
3) Snappy answers to stupid proclamations: “If I had something interesting or important to say, I wouldn’t be cussing every other word.”
I guess it’s lucky that you don’t, then. Go nuts.