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Pregnant celebrities

Oh, And By The Way, Taylor Swift’s Pregnancy Is Impossible

by Stuart Heritage

As a teenage country singer, Taylor Swift is bound by convention to get pregnant as soon as possible – preferably by a member of her own family.

But don’t hold your breath. Following reports of her fury at being dumped by Joe Jonas recently, rumours quickly spread that Taylor Swift was in fact pregnant. But this isn’t the case at all, and Taylor Swift has publicly declared that it would be ‘impossible’ for her to be pregnant.

Of course it’s impossible. Look at the facts – Taylor Swift is a good, church-going Christian girl from the heartland of America who’s only just reached the legal age of consent and whose last known boyfriend is a self-confessed virgin. Of course it’s impossible for Taylor Swift to be pregnant. She’s obviously a man.

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Dear God, Is Jennifer Aniston Pregnant Now?

by Stuart Heritage

Jennifer Aniston is a girl after our own heart – she knows that the only way to keep a man is to get pregnant and guilt them into commitment.

Allegedly. Allegedly Jennifer Aniston has something growing in her stomach, and for once it’s not the burning desire to be the centre of attention or a little voice going “Feeeed meee! I’m so hungryyy!” Allegedly, you see, Jennifer Aniston is pregnant with John Mayer’s baby. Oh, and they’re getting married as well. Allegedly.

If this is true, we can’t help feeling that this is a mistake. If Jennifer Aniston wants to get her revenge on Angelina Jolie so much, then she shouldn’t be getting pregnant from a pasty white American like John Mayer – she should be getting pregnant from a Cambodian. And an Ethiopian. And a bloke from Vietnam. And probably a couple of Indians and a some Chinese men. All at once. On the internet. It’s the only way.

Jennifer Aniston is a girl after our own heart - she knows that the only way to keep a man is to get pregnant and guilt them into commitment. Allegedly. Allegedly Jennifer Aniston has something growing in her stomach, and for once it's not the burning desire to be the centre of attention or a little voice going "Feeeed meee! I'm so hungryyy!" Allegedly, you see, Jennifer Aniston is pregnant with John Mayer's baby. Oh, and they're getting married as well. Allegedly. If this is true, we can't help feeling that this is a mistake. If Jennifer Aniston wants to get her revenge on Angelina Jolie so much, then she shouldn't be getting pregnant from a pasty white American like John Mayer - she should be getting pregnant from a Cambodian. And an Ethiopian. And a bloke from Vietnam. And probably a couple of Indians and a some Chinese men. All at once. On the internet. It's the only way.
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Jamie Lynn Spears Pregnant With ‘A Bunch Of Made-Up Crap’

by Stuart Heritage

We know that for a few blood-chilling moments yesterday everyone thought Jamie Lynn Spears was pregnant again – but it’s OK, she’s not.

Contrary to yesterday’s reports, it’s been announced that Jamie Lynn Spears definitely isn’t pregnant. And that comes from one of the most trusted sources around. No, not a doctor or a family member or Jamie Lynn Spears herself – we’re talking big league here.

How big league? Unnamed person who lives in the same town as Jamie Lynn Spears’ mother and would expect to have probably been told about it already if it was true big league. So, in summary, Jamie Lynn Spears isn’t pregnant because her mother hasn’t been skipping down the street haphazardly blabbing her family’s dark secret to random strangers. We hope that clears things up.

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For The Love Of God, Is Jamie Lynn Spears Pregnant AGAIN?

by Stuart Heritage

Of all the bad news we’ve ever heard, this is a kind of brand-new soul-rapingly terrible type of news – Jamie Lynn Spears is pregnant again.

Or at least Jamie Lynn Spears might be pregnant again. Just four short months after giving birth to her first baby, 17-year-old Jamie Lynn Spears is reportedly eight weeks up the duff with her second baby. And, if the reports are true, Jamie Lynn Spears reacted the same way any proud mother would if they discovered that they were bringing new life into the world – by “crying her eyes out.”

This is, it’s claimed, because Jamie Lynn Spears thought that it was impossible to get pregnant while you’re breastfeeding. And if that’s the case, the message is clear – stay in church, kids. It certainly worked for Jamie Lynn.

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Jamie Lynn Spears’ Barmy Pregnancy Note Revealed On TV

by Stuart Heritage

Sometimes the only way to say ‘mother, I’m afraid I’ve been having it off with a rough chap from church and now I’m bally well pregnant’ is in a letter.

And sometimes the only way to sell copies of your memoir about what a slapdash job you appear to have done of raising your children is to discuss that highly private letter on live TV.

Lynne Spears knows that only too well, because she’s been pimping her new book Britney Spears: My Part In Her Downfall by telling the Today show about the hilarious time that Jamie Lynn Spears was so eaten up by the crippling shame of her teenage pregnancy that she couldn’t even tell Lynne about it face to face and had to write a note instead – a note which left Lynne Spears weeping with uncontrollable anguish and the stark realisation that she’d unquestionably failed as a mother. Good times.

Sometimes the only way to say 'mother, I'm afraid I've been having it off with a rough chap from church and now I'm bally well pregnant' is in a letter. And sometimes the only way to sell copies of your memoir about what a slapdash job you appear to have done of raising your children is to discuss that highly private letter on live TV. Lynne Spears knows that only too well, because she's been pimping her new book Britney Spears: My Part In Her Downfall by telling the Today show about the hilarious time that Jamie Lynn Spears was so eaten up by the crippling shame of her teenage pregnancy that she couldn't even tell Lynne about it face to face and had to write a note instead - a note which left Lynne Spears weeping with uncontrollable anguish and the stark realisation that she'd unquestionably failed as a mother. Good times.
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Huffman Says Eva Longoria Is A Fatty Fat Fatty Fatto Fat Fat

by Stuart Heritage

Eva Longoria is so fat that she leaves footprints in concrete, so fat that she has gravy instead of blood and so fat that her saliva is tidal.

There’s no point arguing with any of that because it’s all true. Eva Longoria is fat. Yes, Eva Longoria – the tiny pixie woman from Desperate Housewives who you could easily fold up and fit into a satchel – is so morbidly obese that she’ll probably end up getting bad cake diabetes and will have to be buried in a quarry in a coffin made of reinforced concrete and tungsten carbide.

Look, we know that Eva Longoria might not seem especially fat to the naked eye, but according to her Desperate Housewives co-star Felicity Huffman, she is one chubby old witch. And you can’t doubt Felicity Huffman’s judgement on stuff like this because she thinks that William H Macy is a stone-cold fox and she sure is right there.

Eva Longoria is so fat that she leaves footprints in concrete, so fat that she has gravy instead of blood and so fat that her saliva is tidal. There's no point arguing with any of that because it's all true. Eva Longoria is fat. Yes, Eva Longoria - the tiny pixie woman from Desperate Housewives who you could easily fold up and fit into a satchel - is so morbidly obese that she'll probably end up getting bad cake diabetes and will have to be buried in a quarry in a coffin made of reinforced concrete and tungsten carbide. Look, we know that Eva Longoria might not seem especially fat to the naked eye, but according to her Desperate Housewives co-star Felicity Huffman, she is one chubby old witch. And you can't doubt Felicity Huffman's judgement on stuff like this because she thinks that William H Macy is a stone-cold fox and she sure is right there.
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Usher Can’t Stop Getting People Pregnant

by Stuart Heritage

Usher is good at two things – dancing like a man being attacked by a swarm of invisible jellyfish and getting women pregnant.

OK, maybe not ‘women’ as such. Usher is good at getting one woman pregnant – his wife, Tameka Foster. Just nine months after the birth of their first child, it’s announced that Tameka’s only gone and got another baby on the go.

That’s impressive work, especially when you account for the fact that most couples don’t even reveal their pregnancy until the second trimester. That means Usher managed to knock his wife up less than six months after she had the first baby. That’s either incredible or a bit gruesome, depending on how hung up you are with the idea of tearing and stitches and whatnot. We are, by the way, which probably accounts for the nausea.

Either that or Usher has somehow got us pregnant simply by us writing about it. We wouldn’t put it past him.

Usher is good at two things - dancing like a man being attacked by a swarm of invisible jellyfish and getting women pregnant. OK, maybe not 'women' as such. Usher is good at getting one woman pregnant - his wife, Tameka Foster. Just nine months after the birth of their first child, it's announced that Tameka's only gone and got another baby on the go. That's impressive work, especially when you account for the fact that most couples don't even reveal their pregnancy until the second trimester. That means Usher managed to knock his wife up less than six months after she had the first baby. That's either incredible or a bit gruesome, depending on how hung up you are with the idea of tearing and stitches and whatnot. We are, by the way, which probably accounts for the nausea. Either that or Usher has somehow got us pregnant simply by us writing about it. We wouldn't put it past him.
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Jamie Lynn Spears Sent Sarah Palin’s Kid Nothing, Actually

by Stuart Heritage

Heartbreaking news – Sarah Palin’s illegitimate grandkid will grow up bereft of overpriced burp cloths with ‘Yummy’ embroidered on them.

You know those reports yesterday saying that Jamie Lynn Spears had sent Bristol Palin a bunch of baby gifts as a kindly reminder that she isn’t the only teenage girl to bring shame on her family by letting a redneck hump her without a condom until she got pregnant? Yeah, didn’t happen. Jamie Lynn Spears’ mother Lynne has denied the whole story.

If that’s the case, poor old Bristol Palin. It’s one thing to illuminate the schism between Sarah Palin’s personal and professional ideals while watching her unborn baby get hijacked as a political football by all sides, but getting the stinkeye from Zoey 101? That has to sting.

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David Spade Did It With A Lady Until A Baby Popped Out

by Stuart Heritage

It must be the season for unexpected pregnancies. First little Bristol Palin let a cartoon redneck knock her up, and now this – something far far worse.

David Spade has become a father. Accidentally. According to reports, David Spade had a brief relationship with a Playboy Playmate called Jillian Grace not so long ago and he accidentally got a baby wedged up there or something and now it’s fallen out of her. We’re not sure how the whole pregnancy thing works, to be honest.

Why’s that worse than Bristol Palin’s pregnancy? Simple – Bristol Palin can look the world in the eye and tell everyone that the father of her child is a rugged, athletic 18-year-old brute at the peak of his sexual condition. But Jillian Grace? Every time she looks at her new baby it’s just going to be a tragic reminder that she let David Spade stick it up her a couple of times once, the poor woman.

It must be the season for unexpected pregnancies. First little Bristol Palin let a cartoon redneck knock her up, and now this - something far far worse. David Spade has become a father. Accidentally. According to reports, David Spade had a brief relationship with a Playboy Playmate called Jillian Grace not so long ago and he accidentally got a baby wedged up there or something and now it's fallen out of her. We're not sure how the whole pregnancy thing works, to be honest. Why's that worse than Bristol Palin's pregnancy? Simple - Bristol Palin can look the world in the eye and tell everyone that the father of her child is a rugged, athletic 18-year-old brute at the peak of his sexual condition. But Jillian Grace? Every time she looks at her new baby it's just going to be a tragic reminder that she let David Spade stick it up her a couple of times once, the poor woman.
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Don’t Worry Sarah Palin, Jamie Lynn Spears Feels Your Pain

by Stuart Heritage

Now that she’s officially the world’s most prematurely randy underage teenager, Bristol Palin must feel like she hasn’t got a friend in the world.

But it’s OK, because there’s one girl thousands of miles away who knows exactly what Bristol Palin’s going through, and that’s former pregnant teenager Jamie Lynn Spears. According to reports, Jamie Lynn Spears was so moved by the story of how Sarah Palin’s daughter had loads of underage unprotected sex with a redneck hockey player until she ended up getting accidentally pregnant that she’s sent her a gift.

And, who knows, Jamie Lynn Spears might even end up making the trip to Alaska to teach Bristol Palin all about the joys of becoming a young mother. Or at least she would if only her little brat would stop screaming and crying and begging for attention and stealing the best years of her life away from her all the time. But otherwise, yeah.

Now that she's officially the world's most prematurely randy underage teenager, Bristol Palin must feel like she hasn't got a friend in the world. But it's OK, because there's one girl thousands of miles away who knows exactly what Bristol Palin's going through, and that's former pregnant teenager Jamie Lynn Spears. According to reports, Jamie Lynn Spears was so moved by the story of how Sarah Palin's daughter had loads of underage unprotected sex with a redneck hockey player until she ended up getting accidentally pregnant that she's sent her a gift. And, who knows, Jamie Lynn Spears might even end up making the trip to Alaska to teach Bristol Palin all about the joys of becoming a young mother. Or at least she would if only her little brat would stop screaming and crying and begging for attention and stealing the best years of her life away from her all the time. But otherwise, yeah.
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