People, it’s OK – there’s not going to be a baby with Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer’s blood running through it any more.
Not so long ago we were swamped with rumours that Jennifer Aniston, deafened by the epic clanging of her biological clock, had bit the bullet and let fop-haired manboy John Mayer shove a bun in her oven. But apparently that’s not the case. And how do we know?
Because Jennifer Aniston recently went to a restaurant in quite a tight blouse – something that no pregnant woman has ever done. On top of that, people are now claiming that the pregnancy rumours were started deliberately to steal attention away from Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. And it worked – thanks to all the pregnancy rumours we’re now desperate to see Jennifer Aniston’s new movie called, um, whatever it’s called.
We don’t know about you, but we’ve spent the last few weeks trying to organise a ragtag gang of furious torch-wielding locals to hang around outside Jennifer Aniston’s house chanting doomy biblical soundbites. Why? Because we thought that Jennifer Aniston was pregnant with John Mayer’s baby, that’s why, and we’re pretty sure the resulting baby would end up bringing about the end of the world.
We’re being serious. Not only would a Jennifer Aniston/ John Mayer baby end up being so genetically predisposed to rabid attention-seeking that it would literally never stop until every inch of the media did nothing but relentlessly focus on it around the clock, but it’d also have stupid hair and a funny-looking chin. It’d be awful.
But that’s something we can worry about another time, because Jennifer Aniston is almost definitely not pregnant, and that’s because she showed up at a restaurant in a tight top recently. If that’s not enough, some are saying that the whole pregnancy rumour was deliberately schemed up to get the headlines away from Aniston’s arch-rival Angelina Jolie for once, as a magazine editor told MSNBC:
“Every time Brad or Angelina is in the news, and it’s a story that’s so exclusive only one outlet really gets the story, the natural reaction is to come up with a story about Jen to combat the attention… But now she did lunch at (popular Hollywood eatery) the Ivy in a tight shirt? I mean, the Ivy? Usually Jen is above that sort of thing. She obviously knew she’d be photographed there.”
Poor old Jennifer Aniston. If she gets pregnant everyone thinks she’s attention-seeking. If she proves she’s not pregnant, everyone still thinks she’s attention-seeking. If she wears clothes that don’t hang off her like a big saggy tent, people get so enraged about all her attention-seeking that they actually start squirting blood out of their eyes.
So maybe this might be the start of a new, more demure Jennifer Aniston – one who doesn’t feel the need to constantly compete with Angelina Jolie by having every single aspect of her personal life detailed in all the celebrity magazines. And we look forward to seeing the introduction of this new, less showy Jennifer Aniston on Thursday night where she’ll, um, cavort around dressed as a French maid on 30 Rock. Oh.
janice says
get over yourself and the jolietitts. it is your type of people that hate to see that jen is classy and people love her. go save an orphan please
Stuart Heritage says
And, lo, ‘go save an orphan please’ became hecklerspray’s new favourite insult.
Stabby McGee says
@janice:
How’s the post-Friends career coming along, anyway?
gir says
The new dozens:
Yo Momma Teresa saved so many orphans from tuberculosis she was canonized
Yo Momma Teresa saved so many orphans bitch looked like the old woman what lived in a shoe
media sucks says
how lame of the media to constantly act as if
Aniston has any time to start lame rumors about herself, go to cafe’s “that she is (sure)to be photo’d”, and the rest of this fodder.
please, its the sucky media and wierdo gossipy wacks that sit there and point their finger at everyone else.
Kelly says
It’s people like this writer who are the problem…..not JA. And they call themselves “journalists”…….yeah, right!! How insensitive to imply that JA and
JM would produce an “awful looking” infant. Pretty disgusting. I guess looks are what are important in this world according to this writer. The media in all its forms are a huge problem in this world…..I sure wish they would just disappear.
they are pretty shallow as individuals for sure.
Mae Westside says
Jennifer Aniston tried to spark our interest with rumors about herself and Vince Vaughan. . . rhymes with YAWN. My opinion is that she had her 16 minutes on “Friends” and she is getting to look less interesting with every passing birthday. Who would give up Brad Pitt, for goodness sake?? Come up and see Mae . . .
Crazy Cowgirl says
This writer needs to get a life. This is the most ridiculous thing I have read in a long time and that is including all of the really ridiculous crap I have read preceeding the election. I personally love Jennifer Aniston. Angelina may be a great mother but in my book she is nothing more than a homewrecker. Jennifer has every right to hate her.
Tamara and Nicolas says
No offense, but we find the writing style of Stuart Heritage really horrible. We could write alot and point out everything thats annoying with his writing, but that would ruin our day. Who is he trying to impress or what is he trying to prove by being an over-writer!
Sarah says
You need to get a life? Surely he has a life or he wouldn’t be alive right now? One of the most worthless insults ever. Are they on sale at Kroger? Or do I have to go to the mall to find one? “Excuse me, do you happen to have any lives for sale? I need to get one, according to Crazy Cowgirl.”
Vitri says
well, Stuart, you wrote the first story on her being pregnant and now you’re writing she isn’t. Is it Anniston’s fault you’re dumb and demeaning to her? leave her alone!
gir says
“The media in all its forms are a huge problem in this world…..I sure wish they would just disappear.”
But then how would you get all of your celebrity baby news? Face it, you and this monolithic fantasy “media” exist symbiotically; reporters get fed gossip into their peeping beaks, which they convert into blog posts for shitting directly onto your dung-beetle-esque existence.
Metaphorically.
Sarah says
What’s an over-writer? Seriously, no jokes this time. What does that mean?
Sarah says
http://www.overwriter.com/
gir says
“We could write alot and point out everything thats annoying with his writing, but that would ruin our day.”
hahahaha yeah right like you’re going back to work on your massively completist directory of literary criticism. You could deconstruct the hell out of a gossip satire blog and reduce ol’ Stu tears, but you don’t want to ruin your day.
Incidentally, which parts did Nicolas write and which parts are Tamara’s? I only ask so that I can use my mental energy to will you to drop dead, I get the attributions correct.
Sarah is dumb says
Who why in the world would you take something like that literal? I’m sure they didn’t actually mean go out and buy a life? Stop being dumb!
Jennifer Aniston is way better than that fat lipped Jolie says
People get over yourselves. I really don’t think that Aniston was start a rumor about herself just to get attention, shes ridiculously famous as it is. Angelina Jolie is even really all that great, any fucking person can adopt a kid. Its nice that shes doing it, don’t get me wrong, but it seems like shes the one seeking attention. Ookie Dookie snitches. Peace.
scoobyz says
News flash to person who wrote the article you can be pregnant and still not show for a long while, doesn’t take a smart person to know that.
Suzanne says
Wow.
First of all, she had to go through the front because the back door was blocked off.
Second, her visit to the Ivy was not to prove she isn’t pregnant…but to meet with a chef and caterers to help create a program to bring healthy, nutritious meals to public schools. A program SHE is funding.
Get over yourselves.
angie says
Angelina is a homewrecker and love publiciy, fame and money. Plus, I betcha she looks nasty when she gets old. That ol bar hopper hard look.
DEBBIE says
Can you guys leave this poor woman alone!!! You all are reponsible for shattered dreams resulting from broken marriages in this country. Angelina Jolie who is known for breaking other women’s home and heart is more celebrated and rewarded for her shameful act. Jennifer has been so graceful and gracious since this whore took her joy. Now that the she-devil-Angelina who shows no family value as evidenced by the way she treats her father now has children of her own, let’s wait and see nemesy catching up with her because what goes around comes around; even stupid Brad would have a dose of it too. How can a sensible man leave a priceless gift for a thrash like Angelina. It’s obvious he stupidly or selfishly fell for it because he is an adulterer himself. Jennifer deserves better than him and am praying for her. Let her move on with her life please.
david says
I am so sick of Aniston. The divorce was 2 years ago. Please move on like the rest of the world.
gir says
“Can you guys leave this poor woman alone!!! You all are reponsible for shattered dreams resulting from broken marriages in this country.”
HAHAHAHA yeah, a satire gossip blog is the reason your husband left you.
Sorry, DEBBIE, but it seems more likely that your old man ditched you because you were obsessed with the minutiae of celebrity life and completely without a sense of humor. And, from the looks of it, found an “Angelina” for himself.
sns says
Jen pay no mind to all them idiots that put you down,but listen to all of us who do love you and understand what you must of gone though,they’er probably losers either way, you are too good and Angie already looks exactly like the old woman who lived in the shoe,can’t even call er a lady,cause NO lady would take another lady’s man,Jennifer remember what goes around comes around,so wait and watch the Bitch eat er heart out (BRAT)will do the same to er, you go ahead and be happy with John or whom ever it might be,we all know he must make you incredibly happy,you know you can choose any man his there somewhere!you”ll always be AMERICA”S SWEET HEART!A little LADY!As for you ppl that are sick of reading about Jen then DON’T………
lido says
wtf
Carnal says
jennifer barf anniston is an annoying disgusting cow and her face looks like a foot – im sure her breath smells like death and shes a goddam loser who will never ever keep a man hahah my god she couldnt even keep john mayer and no one likes john mayer and for all you anniston lovers out there go screw yourselves and your delightfully witty observations about people who dont kowtow to your shitty whiny way of thinking
my heart sings praises whenever i hear jennifer douchebag anniston is in pain and suffering and my only regret is that the entire cast of friends couldnt be tied together and doused with gasoline but especially Phoebe but dont even get me started on HER.
screw you jennifer anniston . screw YOU.
Stacy says
I don’t know what is wrong with all of you dissing Jennifer Aniston. She is allowed to go out in public wearing whatever she wants. As far as I know she will tell the media when she is pregnant, if she ever does get pregnant that is.