Oh, And By The Way, Taylor Swift’s Pregnancy Is Impossible
As a teenage country singer, Taylor Swift is bound by convention to get pregnant as soon as possible – preferably by a member of her own family.
But don’t hold your breath. Following reports of her fury at being dumped by Joe Jonas recently, rumours quickly spread that Taylor Swift was in fact pregnant. But this isn’t the case at all, and Taylor Swift has publicly declared that it would be ‘impossible’ for her to be pregnant.
Of course it’s impossible. Look at the facts – Taylor Swift is a good, church-going Christian girl from the heartland of America who’s only just reached the legal age of consent and whose last known boyfriend is a self-confessed virgin. Of course it’s impossible for Taylor Swift to be pregnant. She’s obviously a man.
Grammy-nominated performer she might be, but Taylor Swift needs to be taught some country and western lessons as soon as possible.
For example, Taylor Swift was recently dumped by a Jonas Brother. How did she react? By making a short internet video starring a doll, that’s how. That’s not country. If Taylor Swift was serious about being a country singer she’d have rushed to the nearest bar and choked a waitress. Or at least shot a stranger in the face. That’s country.
Honestly, at this rate Taylor Swift risks losing the hearts and minds of country fans altogether. She needs to do something real country real fast – something like getting pregnant.
That’d be perfect – just think of the credibility that an illegitimate baby born out of wedlock would give Taylor Swift’s country career. Once it was born, she could call it Bobby Jed, dress it in little dungarees and give it a job driving a truck before it’s old enough to walk.
Except she won’t do that. Despite a raft of recent rumours to the contrary, Taylor Swift has come forward to comprehensively deny that she’s pregnant. More than that, in fact, Taylor Swift says that pregnancy is an absolute impossibility for her. The LA Times reports:
The 18-year-old country singer wrote on her MySpace page: “I read a very creative rumor this morning saying I’m pregnant, which is the most IMPOSSIBLE thing on the planet. Take my word for it. Impossible.”
You hear that? The notion that Taylor Swift could ever be pregnant is literally the most impossible thing on the planet. Think of anything you like – like a bee the size of a bus, or representing √2 as a rational fraction p/q, or a man who poos marshmallows – and it’s bound to be a million percent less impossible than the idea that Taylor Swift, an 18-year-old woman with what we only presume is a functioning reproductive system, might possibly be pregnant.
That’s all well and good, but it doesn’t help Taylor Swift’s country credentials, does it? At this rate she’ll be kicked off the scene by the end of the week unless she does something profoundly country. Our suggestion? Taylor Swift should deny that she’s gay immediately.
This is a dumb article
she doesnt need to do anything country
im pretty sure her fan base is already set
and its impossible probably cause shes a virgin
like i said
stupid article
you rock i think so and i want see you and go on a constert with you tooooooooooooooooo! plesae e-mail me by tasj@.charter.net
Oh God, someone please help poor alyssa…
They practiced safe cornhole sex.
That is so not true. I disagree with many of your comments on Taylor. This is the most stupidest article I’ve ever read. She doesn’t need to do anything country. She’ll do what she wants when she wants. So if you’re going to post something, make sure it’s worth reading and not trash. Again, the WORST article I’ve ever read. I bet my dog could write a better, nicer article.
Impossible!
She has a penis.
I hate you for thinking that
I don’t think Joe Jonas would get that bitch pregnant. First of all, they are too young. Second, he mine! Plus, he is way too sexy for that ugly ass bitch, Taylor Swift, I mean bitch.
Shut up joe jonas lover! You’re nothing compare to taylor! You’re the bitch there!!! And oh, joe is yours?? (laugh) keep dreaming stupid!
YOU BETTER NOT CALL TAYLOR SWIFT A B****! YOUR THE B**** SINCE YOU ARE TALKING BAD ABOUT TAYLOR SWIFT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
this is so stupid taylor swift can not be pregnant infact she isnt this article is way out of hand she is not pregnant and she doesnt need to do something country she is perfectly fine she is a good singer like she will always be taylor swift rocks and like i said taylor swift is not pergnant
If this is “gossip for grownups” shouldn’t it be written by grown ups. This site features the most horribly written acrticles.
that was SOOO stupid. ONE- taylor swift would never do something like that TWO- she is fine the way she is THREE- she is definitly not a man FOUR- i think you are just jelous. that’s why you write all of these STUPID,OUT OF HAND articles- just to make yourself feel better. well, you’re the one that’s stupid here.
I went to school with her and she dated an 18 year old when she was a freshman. I’m sure she is not a virgin cuz she would make out with him in public all the time.
wow, that was the biggest lie i’ve ever read, why don’t you go PUPLICLY find a way to get attention instead of posting realy bad lies?
you have no idea what country is i hate taylor swift but i am country and we dont go arond with a rope tied to our waist shott somebody just because we got mad so um why dont u figure else some way to dis her
I think this is the supidest article EVER. She doesn’t need any crappy, WRONG, rediculous ideas! And if you think she should actually do that kind of stuff, you should be put to jail or a mental house! Cause she don’t deserve this! She is the most awesome singer ever and she doesn’t need you to tell her what you think someone her age should do! Supid, stupid, stupid article.
whoever freakin wrote the article is gonna get their butt kicked. Taylor is not a man. She doesnt even look like one. She’s a beautiful young women
hahahahaha… holy smokes… I don’t know what’s better, this outstanding and 100% accurate article or the angry, ill-informed responses that it got.
Keep up the stellar reporting Heritage!
this is stupid!! taylor swift is not a man, she is not pregnent and she is a very good singer. she doesn’t need to do anything counrty. she fine the way she is.
wow i love taylor swift i am 21 and feel that her music is inspiring about relationships which is hard for every teenage… listen to the words and learn. why does it matter if she is pregnant, or a virgin? That is her business I hate that people are so nosey with other peoples private lives even celebrities want peace and quiet sometimes. For god sakes leave the poor girl alone. And Joe Jonas gag me with a wooden spoon BS those douche bags are virgins they have 12 years old throwing themselves on them … And BTW Joe Jonas Lover… get a real life and real boyfriend a celebrity is never going to date someone like you…
get a life you dickhead, dont knock country music or stars.
taylor swift is much more famous than you will EVER BE, so get over it and get a life
I don’t get what the big deal is? Country is the music she sings, and makes a lot of money for it, because she has a lot of fans… You might as well say Americans can’t play basketball because it was invented by a canadian… Diabetics can’t have insulin because canadians invented it, white people can’t rap because the majority of rappers are black? I will never understand why everyone is so opinionated…When did it become “cool” to say a girl has a penis or is a man? Hahahahaha, I can’t believe you immature kids have access to the internet it’s teaching you terrible habits, you’ll never have boyfriends and girlfriends with your harsh opinions. She’s 19 years old turning 20 I highly doubt she’s a virgin. It’s none of our business anyways, just because their celebrities you think they have to be perfect hahahahahahaha.
hi you ar so so so cool and i love you toylor
The thing that wrote this (yes thing It can’t be human) need to be fired, SO I SAY YOUR FIRED!!!!!
HOW DARE YOU? YOU ARE SUCH A RUDE PERSON! YOU THINK YOU CAN JUST GO OFF AND TALK ABOUT PEOPLE AND YOU THINK YOU KNOW EVERYTHING, BUT YOU DONT! YOU DON’T KNOW TAYLOR SWIFT AS YOU BEST DO YOU? I DIDN’T THINK SO, SO YOU JUST NEEDA BACK OFF AND GET YOUR OWN FREAKIN LIFE! NOW! TAYLOR SWIFT IS A GOOD GIRL AND SHE IS PERFECT THE WAY SHE IS, NOW STOP ACTING LIKE YOU KNOW EVERYTHING AND GET THE HECK OUT OF TAYLOR SWIFT’S LIFE! AND LEAVE HER ALONE!!! NOW!!!!!!!!!!
-A PROTECTIVE AND LOVING TAYLOR SWIFT FAN