Eva Longoria is so fat that she leaves footprints in dry concrete, so fat that she has gravy instead of blood and so fat that her saliva is tidal.
There’s no point arguing with any of that because it’s all true. Eva Longoria is fat. Yes, Eva Longoria – the tiny pixie woman from Desperate Housewives who you could easily fold up and fit into a satchel – is so morbidly obese that she’ll probably end up getting bad cake diabetes and will have to be buried in a quarry in a coffin made of reinforced concrete and tungsten carbide.
Look, we know that Eva Longoria might not seem especially fat to the naked eye, but according to her Desperate Housewives co-star Felicity Huffman, she is one chubby old witch. And you can’t doubt Felicity Huffman’s judgement on stuff like this because she thinks that William H Macy is a stone-cold fox and she sure is right there.
God knows why, but there seems to be this sort of global willing for Eva Longoria to get pregnant at the moment. It’s like everyone thinks that if they all believe as hard as they can then Eva Longoria will magically get pregnant and we’ll all soon be blessed with a baby that’s just as shrill and objectionable as its mother.
It’s not particularly a new thing – ever since Eva Longoria got married people have been scrutinising the size of her belly with more intensity than those men looking for the Higgs Boson particle in Switzerland. One minute people are saying that Eva Longoria is pregnant, the next they’re saying she’s not, then they’re saying she is again.
But she’s not. Eva Longoria is definitely not pregnant. True, she might have been photographed looking marginally rounder than usual on a beach this summer, but it’s not because she’s pregnant. According to her Desperate Housewives co-star Felicity Huffman:
“She’s just fat, that’s all there is to it!”
See? That’s all there is to it. Eva Longoria is just fat. So fat that she’s got her own postcode. So fat that if you try to kiss her your face burns off on re-entry. So fat that she occasionally leases out her belly button as an amphitheatre for poetry recitals and local amateur dramatic performances of Shakespeare’s comedies. That’s literally how fat Eva Longoria is.
Obviously we’re not stupid enough to believe that Eva Longoria is actually fat. It’s clear that this was just a way for Felicity Huffman to humorously deflect all the speculation over Longoria’s womb in an offhand manner.
But, hey, if Felicity Huffman thinks that Eva Longoria is fat, then just imagine what she thinks of you, you lardy old pissbag.