If you had a film about a crazy ghost coming out soon that looks awful – and a strike on to stop you promoting it on most TV talkshows – what would you do?
Well, if you're Eva Longoria you'd spuriously rush out, buy some baby crap and then start spouting off to anyone who'll listen that you aren't pregnant at all, not even slightly, and that you just wish people would leave you alone.
Welcome to the zany world of Eva Longoria, folks.
If last year was the year that people got obviously pregnant and didn't tell anyone, then let's make this year the year that people deny getting pregnant but kind of allude to the fact that they are for nothing more than 10 seconds of attention. Wait, what? That's what Eva Longoria's already done? That pesky Longoria, she's always one step ahead!
Although it's still unclear whether her husband Tony Parker cheated on her with that French model or not, Eva Longoria is enough of a woman to know what men want – babies. Lots of 'em. But not real babies, they're too noisy and they make you poo when you're giving birth to them – imaginary babies. Imaginary babies that help promote crappy-looking films about sexy ghosts.
Lately, there's been a lot of attention directed at Eva Longoria's belly. Not because she's whipped it out for a lad's mag or a desperately unfunny web video again, but because it's a little bit chunky. And, say, what's Eva Longoria doing turning up to the press day for her bad-looking new film wrapped in a baby blanket? Is she? She can't be. Is Eva Longoria pregnant?
No, don't be silly. Eva Longoria isn't pregnant. Eva Longoria is just fat and stupid, as she told People:
"No pregnancy, not yet. I've been cooking and eating, cooking and eating. I keep telling everyone that I've gained 10 pounds just being on strike… I was freezing, so I had to run down to the gift shop, and they didn't have any wraps. I grabbed this and was like, 'It's so soft, but why is it so small?!' And they said, 'It's for a baby.'"
It's an easy mistake to make, and we can totally sympathise with Eva Longoria. Once we were caught in the rain and we ran into a chemists and grabbed this thing and were like "This feels waterproof, but why is it so bulky?!" And they said "It's a packet of Pampers, you fucking goon." And then, walking home wearing three taped-together baby nappies around our waist we could hear people say "Oh my God, hecklerspray is either pregnant or a Paraphilic infantilist. Does he have a shitty film about a jealous lady ghost coming out soon?"
The answer, of course, was all three.
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