For ages, hecklerspray believed that the most intimate act a married couple could engage in was the exchange of saliva when ramming their tongues down each others throats.
However, we were proven wrong when we were told that a couple can prove their love for each other by ‘creating a baby’. This literally knocked us back, throwing into disarray our previous notion that a child is created using flour, the tears of an orphan, vanilla extract, nail clippings and the sweat from a man/woman depending on what sex you wanted the child to be.
In days gone by, people would takes months to even kiss each other – never mind engage in any sexual goings on. Having a baby would only happen a good few years after marriage, under the eyes of God and surrounded by an approving society. However, we now live in a culture where a girl will flash her tits for half a pint of lager or for a couple of cold chips.
So just imagine our disgust when we found out our number one celebrity fan and all round grasper of swear words Lee Ryan has left his pregnant fiancée of eight months.
Ages ago, Lee Ryan called hecklerspray scribbler Chris Laverty a “cunt” after reading a story about pop-demigods Blue being mime artists on stage. A pop band not singing live? That’s like saying they don’t write their own songs. When will the lies stop?
We decided to stick by our Lee despite his misspelt messages to the hecklerspray Myspace page and sometimes our personal accounts. From the lows of walking out of Hell’s Kitchen and lamping a taxi driver, we’ve been there for our bruv. Granted, there haven’t been any highs for him yet like a Mercury Prize nomination, but we still have expectations of him.
It’s only recently come to our attention that Lee did indeed find love – hooray! We were just about to crack open some Superbrew to celebrate, but then we found out a few things. His girlfriend Samantha Miller didn’t meet him in a fancy restaurant or nightclub. No, she got her tits out and sent him the pictures through Myspace. Who says romance is dead? Not our Lee of course, who fell head over heels for Samantha. Likely because he didn’t have to pay 35p to see a pair of boobs in The Sun.
More than likely this story will be sold to a tacky women’s magazine, but a source told the Daily Star:
“She is distraught and doesn’t know what to do – it is horrible enough to be dumped any time, but with her pregnancy, and all her hopes they would build a future as a family, it has left her in tears.”
In the interests of fairness, a friend of the elephant man – possibly Laverty – said:
“They’ve only been dating a few months and we didn’t expect him to settle down any time soon.”
Samantha was a fan of Blue in her youth and was said to have pictures of Lee all over her room. These days she’s five months pregnant and all alone in the world. It looks like she may have to sell those much-loved wall coverings to afford clothing for the child now.
We believe this proves that Lee is not actually sexually attracted to humans, but actually elephants. No-one with any sort of morals would do such a thing to a lady who’s up the duff. Remember everyone; this is the bloke who thought 9/11 was a drop in the ocean compared to the plight of the elephants.
Reports that he has moulded his penis to resemble an elephant’s trunk are unconfirmed and we aren’t volunteering to find out. Maybe a fan from Myspace can confirm or deny things for us in a few months. Though, to be honest, everyone knows Facebook is where it’s at these days.
Mithaearon says
Bah what do you expect? He came from Chatham.
alicia says
hi, just reading your article and just to make things clear that lee ryan and sammi are still together and there happily in love with each other and those stories that have been told in the press are alot of crap so dont believe what you read and what you have said well some of it is not far on lee, i think personally everyone should stop making out that lee is a bad guy and his not and i think you should be nice to him and about him because i think people are getting sick of hearing bad rumours about lee ryan.
xxx
Mithaearon says
yes alicia but that still doesn’t take away from the fact that he is from Chatham and a complete tool.
Cheryl says
what have you got against people from chatham?
someone says
Hey there!
I have no idea how else to contact those autors and don’t get me wrong, I don’t actually support this BUT wanna finally have a true story to slag Lee Ryan off?
He just let his official fan fourm be completely removed…I had a lot of good friends there, we were like a little family and he just decided to destroy everything. Also he deleted his myspace and broke up every possible contact with his fans…talk about loving his fans right? after 7 years of loyal support, after all this time we stood behind him and defended him he shows us how much he really cares…
and and the whole reason for all this seems to have been the following story that happened yesterday:
Lee asked a fan of his to pass out his phonenumber to all fans, of course it wasn’t his number, it was a number of some guy who works for the press we think and he wanted to play a trick on him (for slagging him off I spose but dunno)…so of course a few fans called or texted that number and the guys phone kept ringing…very mature action right?
anyway we found out he basically abused his fans for his own dirty work and started asking him why he did that…so his reaction is obviously to neither apologize, nor explain to his fans who supported him and believed him in good faith, but just run away like a chicken….
if you want, for once, write a true story to slag him off, here you go! have fun!
Matthew Laidlow says
He’s going to Asia to live with the elephants, we told you that was on the cards.
gir says
That whole forum shutdown thing has just put him back in the running, since anything that prevents the general public being exposed to Lee Ryan fans constitutes acting as a father to the world.
Cheryl says
yeah well so much for his come back .. hes a man slut next thing you know hell be asking for a dna test for this baby after hes tired with this finacee of his
they deserve eachother
alicia says
i dont care if his from Chatham and neither shoud you his just a normal guy like everyone else, so your saying if he was from somewhere else you wouldnt mind? first off all i think you all should give him a break and leave him alone and his going through a rough time at the moment and he doesnt need people like use at the moment and making it worse and yeah he made a mistake and everyone does mistakes,no-one is perfect and just cause his famous shouldnt mean he gets slag off everytime he does something wrong, you have to know the full story before starting rumours and half the time the paperazzi’s and journo get only a bit of the story and makes shit up in the first place. also for his forum i think there re-doing it all as it doesnt belong to lee,it belongs to another company that he is no longer with so i think he is changing it all and as for myspace it hasnt been deleted yet but i dont blame him for deleting it after what fans wrote and i can understand where fans were getting angry at him and that but its all over and done with now so just move on.
xxx
gir says
“also for his forum i think there re-doing it all”
Scratch that, he’s back out.
Miss Cracker. says
Hello there
I’d just like to congratulate you on your amusing article….
Amusing because it is just so pathetic that you make a living out of printing BS about celebrities you can never seem to get enough of. Once again you lack proper information…or maybe no information at all because you make a living writing fabrications hence why you don’t write for credible publications..who knows whether you are even proper journalists…Lee said on national television that story was untrue.
And FYI “someone” if you have no proof that was from Lee you can’t say he abused his fans.
nidakhan says
lee i cant hate u…I will love u till the end of my life!
Monique says
I was really disgusted by the things people wrote about Lee.
What a sorry excuse for a site Hecklerspray is.
It seems like it is your priority to bash Lee…unbelievable!!!
And do you think it is strange that he closed his accounts down?
He’s probably sick of reading all your comments.
Of course…he made a few mistakes in the past and said things that (maybe) are not so clever but…who didn’t.
Don’t look at the past but look in the future.
He is still a great singer…whatever you people think or say…and in my opinion he’s still very very attractive.
@ Lee…Dont worry about those non important persons…let them talk…who cares.
Stay close to yourself…I think you’re great.
Too bad I’ve never met you but what I’ve seen from you, you seem to be a very nice and caring person.
With love.