Hell's Kitchen – it's Celebrity Big Brother without the racism. Or the celebrities. Unless you count Jim Davidson.
The initial Hell's Kitchen line-up didn’t exactly make for exciting viewing. There’s a model, passed-it Anneka Rice who is well passed her sell by date and everyone’s favourite angry midget boxer Barry McGuigan. However, we were much more interested when we found out that failed pop star Lee 'Bruv' Ryan was to be taking part. Hecklerspray has had run-ins with Lee Ryan before, you see, so we were eager to see if he could cook as well as he could send us bewildering messages of abuse via MySpace. But, hey, Hell's Kitchen got too much for poor Lee and yesterday he walked off the show. That's right – making gravy is now beyond our Lee Ryan.
A few years ago, Lee Ryan – formerly of boyband Blue and a terrifying 'won't someone think of the elephants' September 11 speech – was mentioned in hecklerspray when he said that Blue made him vomit. 17 months later Lee Ryan decided to retaliate by cussing us out on MySpace. He even used the naughty C-word, the naughty scamp:
“keep writing shit about me it only makes me more famous and you look more pathetic!! respectfully your a cunt.”
So, what would happen if we wrote more 'shit' about Lee Ryan? Would he manage to produce an album that would be hailed as one of the greatest in the world and win him a string of awards? Or will he do a tour with a bunch of school kids and bail out of a reality TV show the moment that he realises he'll actually have to work for a living? Take a guess. And then read this, taken from Lee Ryan's MySpace page:
THIS NOV/DEC LEE WILL BE TOURING THE UK WITH ‘YOUNG VOICES’- THE LARGEST SCHOOL CHOIR CONCERTS IN THE WORLD.
Wow, touring with a group of kids. Yes it's degrading to have to lower yourselves to putting up with day after day of immature behaviour, emotionally-stunted tantrums and the early stages of sexual awakening, but that's just something that Young Voices will need to get used to.
So seeing that his musical career has hit the skids, Lee Ryan has been scraping around for other work, which he found in Hell's Kitchen, the ITV reality show where people make out that cooking dinner for people is the hardest job in the universe. Here, Lee Ryan was under the supervision of superstar chef Marco Pierre White who is regarded as a God in the food world. Does he take shit from people? Of course not. Hell, Marco didn’t even know who our number one bruv was when he introduced himself to the great chef on Monday.
Poor Lee mustn’t have realised that cutting some carrots and grating some cheese would be all he was asked to do. And after a few days on Hell's Kitchen he obviously couldn't take the heat. Digital Spy reports:
Lee Ryan has quit Hell's Kitchen after a heated row with Marco Pierre White. It is not known what prompted the quarrel or how long it lasted, but the former Blue singer left the kitchen to cool down once it had subsided. When he returned to the kitchen, White told him that he was no longer part of the team, prompting Ryan to quit the show.
So now Lee Ryan has bottled his way off Hell's Kitchen, what’s next for Lee? Maybe he’ll continue his love of cooking, but possibly taking it a bit slower. There’s a really big restaurant chain called McDonalds that provides top-notch pucker grub for bargain prices. Forget all that fancy pig trotter shit Hell's Kitchen serves – if Lee racks up the gold stars quickly enough he could soon be head chip fryer. And when he does, we’ll be first in line to give him the comforting hug he deserves. That’s our bruv!
Read more:
hecklerspray Needs Life says
You people need to get a life and stop writting Shit about a Nice and caring person
C J Davies says
Is that you, Lee?
Shawn Lindseth says
That is one funny, very funny article title. Well done Laidlow.
Gutless Wonder says
Classic stuff well done.Hope he rants back so we can lambaste him all over again
.Did he not take that repulsive Posh wannabe from BB8 to his rotten bed too.? No taste, but desperation is a funny thing..for both parties.!!!
Montster says
Lee Ryan: world class twat at your at your service
JBollocks says
I disagree strongly with Shawn Lindseth’s post: “That is one funny, very funny article title. Well done Laidlow”
It would have been far funnier if the title had been: “Lee Ryan Quits Hell’s Kitchen Like The Big Girl’s Blouse He Is”
I rest my case.
JBollocks says
Yes, I know, I split that infinitive but I don’t care…
Schmoo says
“You people need to get a life and stop writting Shit about a Nice and caring person”.
I agree. Hecklerspray would be far more enjoyable for everyone if you wrote articles about how nice fluffy kittens are, and how we can heal the world with music etc. As an added bonus, when ‘Hecklerspray needs life” came to read it, it would be exactly what he’d like to see – sparing him the gruelling mental gymnastics required to go and find sites with content he finds enjoyable for himself. Lovely, everyone’s a winner and the kittens just keep getting fluffier.
(Note for Lee: I know that first comment was you, but don’t worry, I put ‘note for Lee’ at the start of this bit so no-one else can read this. It’s just our secret.)
lee ryan says
oh just to make you a bit greener, not meaning to brag either. but seen as it’s you!! i thought you would like to know that they actually kicked me out I dont give up that easilly. plus for four days work i earnt more money than you probebly get paid in two years!!! ouch, aint that a bitch!!1
lee ryan says
let me say it again then. how can you make nasty comments about me going on tour to raise money for sick children!! you must be sick yourself. god forbid your children ever get sick and theres no money there to help them, who would you turn to?!! your pathetic and discusting in your comments and this sight only apeals to the lower IQ level in this country. well done I bet bet it’s good to know your making a change. trust me I feel sorry for you, dont you know in the law of karma it comes around what you say is like a reflection. you have a big shock coming your way. god bless you, your going to need it. LEE RYAN and yes it is me!
JBollocks says
Hi Lee, as a fan can I say that you really need to buy a dictionary? They’re not expensive and they really help with spelling.
I know, you say “I don’t have to spell rightly to get my point across”. And to a large extent you’re correct.
But, poor spelling just makes you look like a Britney Spears fan, or worse a 50c fan. That is, a total dickhead.
Also, can you try using capitals at the start of sentences?
I guess what I’m trying to say is; more people will listen to you if you don’t sound like some fuckin’ type of chav.
PS I lied, I’ve never heard of you before.
lee ryan says
mug im dyslexic. so you can spell better than me……well done. im richer than you and i bet im better looking! and i can sing. and in clubs free. and i live in la where it’s hot. and i have a loving familly. and i got dog. im alergic to anything. im really healthy and have good muscle mass. and i got a single coming out, so can you go and buy it please it is for charity? thought i’de ask. any way less about me who are you. god bless.
Matthew Laidlow says
Oh Lee, its glad you care about hunmans now. I’m sorry, wasn’t it around Sepetember 11th 2001 when you said this:
The 18-year-old, who actually WITNESSED the September 11 tragedy, said during a visit to The Sun’s HQ: “Who gives a fuck about New York when elephants are being killed?
Taken from http://www.thesun.co.uk/article/0,,2001371124,00.html
Wow you made some money from Hells Kitcheb, fair play to you! We would to if we had no career aspects going for us.
C J Davies says
”plus for four days work i earnt more money than you probebly get paid in two years!!! ouch, aint that a bitch!!1”
A nice attitude for someone so concerned about sick children, there.
By the way, Lee, the reason that you earn so much is because you lucked out and found yourself in a (laughable) boy band. Had that not been the case, then surely you would have ended up working a in a chip shop, which would leave your sneering towards the university-educated writer of that article somewhat redundant, don’t you think?
Now fuck off.
JBollocks says
What the fuck!?
Lee, you seriously think you’re dyslexic? Here’s what you typed earlier:
“oh just to make you a bit greener, not meaning to brag either. but seen as it’s you!! i thought you would like to know that they actually kicked me out I dont give up that easilly. plus for four days work i earnt more money than you probebly get paid in two years!!! ouch, aint that a bitch!!1”
I count 3 spelling errors and a few grammatical errors.
Here what Wikipedia says re Dyslexic spelling:
Spelling errors — Because of difficulty learning letter-sound correspondences, individuals with dyslexia might tend to misspell words, or leave vowels out of words (e.g., spelling “magic” as mjc).
Letter order – Dyslexics may also reverse the order of two letters especially when the final, incorrect, word looks similar to the intended word (e.g., spelling “dose” instead of “does”).
Highly phoneticized spelling – Dyslexics also commonly spell words inconsistently, but in a highly phonetic form such as writing “shud” for “should”. Dyslexic individuals also typically have difficulty distinguishing among homophones such as “their” and “there”
If you want to play the dyslexic card I suggest you do your homework fuckwit.
Just so you know I’ve got a BSc(Hons) (first class might I smugly add) in Psychology.
Lovegrove was my supervisor’s supervisor and I have worked with Dr F Martin in her lab.
ha-dooou-ken! says
f**k sick children, elephants are dying.
Miss Cracker. says
Your work really is irreputable and immature for “alleged” writers. What a waste of and education…so easy to see why you were left on the scrap heap. Especially when your sources contain only that of teen pop culture magazine trash. Once again it only reinforces your sexual preferences and how you use your impeccable vocabulary to ignite your weird homosexual fantasies. I wouldn’t be surprised if the only award this website has received is that of the Golden Raspberry type.
Fliss says
Jbollocks what was the point in saying that crap. Lee is dyslexic and dyslexia isnt just about reading and writing it can affect alot of things so in answer 2 ur comment make sure u do ur homework b4 u start running ur mouth u twat
JBollocks says
Gee Fliss, I would have thought a 4 year Uni degree sort of was homework.
Feel free to use more of those funny squiggly letter thingys on the keyboard next time.
kate says
Lee a few questions…Being from the other side of the pond , why hasn’t anyone heard of you? I just asked 15 or so people who you are and none of them have any idea either.
Just a little hint, if you want to brag about living in LA and making boat loads of money, it might help if people actually knew who you are or what you are supposed to be famous for.
JBollocks says
Hi Lee,
Just a few thoughts that occurred to me when re-reading your post:
“im richer than you and i bet im better looking! and i can sing. and in clubs free. and i live in la”
I was talking to my wife about what you said, and she said “Lee who?”
I explained and she said “Yes, well, he probably is richer, but how does he know he’s better looking?”
So I showed her your photo and asked her to say who was better looking. Initially she said “Lee is better looking” but after a full and frank discussion she managed to say through swollen and slightly bleeding lips; “I made a mistake, you’re much better looking JBollocks”.
So there you have it!
Adam Gade says
And how exactly did she gain those swollen, bleeding lips? Fell down some stairs, eh?
Besides, he rates living in L.A. as a plus? Living in L.A. is the equivalent of hell on earth, except for having a good reason why you’re there. What’s with allergy thing too? Is that a plus against hecklerspray as well? Too many questions, not enough answers, Lee.
Kirstine says
Will you please,stop writing shit about lee ryan because i know him..His a nice person!
Deane says
we’ll the one handling the official site of lee ryan in myspace is one of his posers..the real lee ryan doesn’t know about it…
Doug says
Wow your all really sad!!
Havent any of you ever heard of Cyber bullying????
Charlee says
I Agree with Lee, how can you people make fun of him for helping raise money for sick children ???
he paid for the whole Reinforce Love single out of his own pocket so he could help raise money for poor children, heaven help you if any of youre children get sick, coz all there tyreatment will no doubt be getting paid for by Lee, wouldnt be such a bad guy then would he !
And as for all you people that have been doing shitty surveys on who is lee ryan ? you all need to get a fuckin life, still you do know that youre just making him more famous by talking him 24.7 dont you ?
Geez guys, you know for some of you who have such hatred for Lee you dont half make him the centre of youre earth !
Leave Lee alone !
sarahlee says
you cruel people want some attention,so u say bad things about others.i’m really sorry for you cause if you really thing about what u’re doing,you will find that you have a serious problem.as the french say:il faut tourner la longue 7 fois avant de parler.so if u’re smart enaugh,get sth else to do & leave people alone.ah one last thing:u’re an ….u know.
sean ryan says
lee ryan is a total twat