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John Mayer

Magazine: The Last of Jennifer Aniston’s Eggs To Chemically Spring Forth All At Once

by Shawn Lindseth

If you’re a woman and the last of your eggs is about to dry up, what you want to do is moisten it really quick with either mayonnaise or sperm. Both of those are said to be excellent egg moisturisers, and are pretty much equally inexpensive. If you end up going the mayonnaise route, be [...]

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Jennifer Aniston & John Mayer: Somewhat Tediously Back On

by Stuart Heritage

Mayerston? Johnnifer? Jehn Anistayer? Manny Man Maniston? We need to think up a cute compound name fast, because Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer are back on.

That’s right – Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer, the celebrity couple that you know nobody cares the slightest sniff about, presumably not even Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer, who get shoved into your face around the clock regardless – are back on, with Aniston apparently being the guest of honour at Mayer’s 31st birthday party.

What’s more, John Mayer has apparently written a song about Jennifer Aniston to show his devotion, sealing their romance. The song, entitled Shut Up You Whiny Pinch-Faced Bitch, is due for release next month by the way.

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Jennifer Aniston & John Mayer Spotted ‘Tonguing’ ‘Each Other’

by Stuart Heritage

Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer were perhaps the greatest couple ever, given that they’re both carefree, fun-loving, girl-haired attention-seekers.

And that’s why, when Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer broke up earlier this year, the world slipped into a deep gloom. For instance, you know how the stock market collapsed and capitalism ended and food and fuel prices suddenly surged and the environment’s on the brink of disaster and we’re all going to die of bird flu? Yeah, that all happened because Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer split up. It’s true.

However, it’s time to get out the bunting because now Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer are back together! And if they’re not back together, then they’ve almost certainly been caught with their tongues wedged right the way down each other’s gullet in an airport in front of everyone. So, you know, get the bunting out once the waves of nausea have subsided. There’s no rush.

Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer were perhaps the greatest couple ever, given that they're both carefree, fun-loving, girl-haired attention-seekers. And that's why, when Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer broke up earlier this year, the world slipped into a deep gloom. For instance, you know how the stock market collapsed and capitalism ended and food and fuel prices suddenly surged and the environment's on the brink of disaster and we're all going to die of bird flu? Yeah, that all happened because Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer split up. It's true. However, it's time to get out the bunting because now Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer are back together! And if they're not back together, then they've almost certainly been caught with their tongues wedged right the way down each other's gullet in an airport in front of everyone. So, you know, get the bunting out once the waves of nausea have subsided. There's no rush.
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Jennifer Aniston Still a ‘Lady’, John Mayer Keeps Moths in His Wallet

by Ian Dransfield

John Mayer has, rather unsurprisingly, been using his breakup with Jennifer Aniston to get himself a nice big slice of publicity. It’s not that we didn’t expect him to go down that route, but it does still irritate when it actually happens. After all, he is still a dull nobody that would have faded into [...]

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Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer Split: He Can’t Commit, She May be Mental

by Ian Dransfield

Aww, put the confetti away – it seems Jennifer Aniston is destined for a life of endless unfulfilling relationships after her fling with John Mayer was consigned to nothingness. Yes, it would seem that the relationship that had been hyped as ‘the love of the century’ – we may be making that one up – [...]

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Jennifer Aniston & John Mayer All Super Nonstop Kissy Kissy

by Stuart Heritage

Quick, get your confetti out – this fling between Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer seems to be getting pretty serious.

How serious? So serious that Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer have been seen out together ‘laughing at each other’s jokes’. What’s more, they might have actually kissed in private once. Whatever could be next? Hand-holding? Nonspecific fondling? This madness has to stop!

Actually, sod the confetti – it sounds like a wedding’s so inevitable here that if we have to fling shredded clumps of our own flesh at the happy couple to celebrate their union that’s what we’ll do.

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Jennifer Aniston & John Mayer: Either Dating Or Quite Hungry

by Stuart Heritage

All anyone wants for Jennifer Aniston is happiness – a quiet, private happiness that makes her so happy she stops making films.

And, fingers crossed, she might have just stumbled onto it. It’s been reported that Jennifer Aniston may have found love with squidge-faced bluesman John Mayer after the pair of them were both seen eating in a restaurant with ‘their heads close together.’ Sounds like love to us.

If it’s true it’s nice to see that Jennifer Aniston has successfully moved on from Brad Pitt once and for all, and has learnt her lesson about getting into relationships with tedious-looking prettyboys by getting into a relationship with a… oh. Never mind.

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Everyone Jessica Simpson’s Ever Shagged Wins An Award

by Stuart Heritage

To be in a relationship with Jessica Simpson isn’t just to admit to a perverse life-long infatuation with bright orange, massive-jawed women, you know.

By the looks of it, as soon as your penis gets anywhere near to Jessica Simpson, Cosmopolitan magazine lobs a Fun Fearless Male award at you too.

Yesterday’s Fun Fearless Male award luncheon in New York was attended by John Mayer (who did it with Jessica Simpson), Tony Romo (who’s doing it with Jessica Simpson) and Dane Cook (who might have done it with Jessica Simpson). Factor in the fact that last year’s winner was Jessica Simpson’s ex-husband Nick Lachey and you may as well rename the caboodle The Fun, Fearless And Suddenly Quite Paranoid About The Size Of Their Penis awards.

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