We at hecklerspray feel nothing but intense sympathy for the shining beacon of all celebrity cock-drawing that is Perez Hilton after the suffering he must have been through recently.

Not only has he allegedly been attacked by will.i.am/Bill.I.Was/Frank Arnesen/whatever’s manager, he’s now been insulted by a man who vies with Robert Pattinson for the title of ‘Man Who Has Personality Most Like A Brick Wall’ - John Mayer – and the Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation hate him too.

The musicians, the celebrities, the gays – is there anyone who doesn’t hate Perez Hilton?

Anyone? No?

Ah.

Following the attack of such astonishing brutality Hilton suffered the other day, when he was only able to Twitter his situation a handful of times, we all assumed the world would return to normality for the master of cutting cock-drawing satire.

In fact, we even had the audacity to hope that the world would have turned a corner and embraced Perez in a joint display of affection, sympathy and outright care. It seems he did too.

But no, as it soon came to light that GLAAD weren’t too happy with Hilton’s use of the word “faggot” while insulting will.i.am. Probably because, as we all know, it’s wildly inaccurate – that man likes boobies.

Hilton did apologise for using the word, though not after claiming it was he who was actually owed an apology, and obviously the apology he eventually went on to make was full of “I’m the victim here” caveats and mindless droning about shit no one cares about. But hey – an apology is an apology, right?

This revelation was swiftly followed by a rare spurt of personality from John Mayer’s Twitter feed, which managed to make the gnarled, hoary old form of hecklerspray smirk with their forthright pisstakeyness. While we can’t be bothered to pad this out with the entire script, here’s a bit of it:

Mayer: “Last year Pink kneed me in the nuts outside Chateau Marmont. I was p*ssing blood for days. Did I make a scene? Perez Hilton’s video statement is so long that by the end of it his cut healed.”

Hilton: “That’s real funny! Ha ha! And I’m sure you also think I ‘deserved’ to get hit!”

Mayer: “Not true. In fact I’d like to train you in Krav Maga. Then you’ll have the situational awareness not to get in someone’s face. I also want to train you in an old martial art called ‘Never Call A Black Dude a F*ggot Jitsu’.”

We may just have to promote John Mayer to the much-vaunted hecklerspray ranks of ‘Less Twatty’ as a result of this fine form. Well done, sir.