Let’s quickly clear that headline up. Perez Hilton and Will.I.Am are having a squabble, and we think we might die of boredom.
Apparently Will.I.Am went up to Perez Hilton on Monday morning and got all “Mer mer mer” and Perez went “Mer mer? Mer mer MER mer!” back. Then something dreary happened and they’ve both made videos where they’re crying and screaming and it’s all fairly tedious.
Listen here Perez Hilton. You don’t have the monopoly on this. Next Tuesday in the soup aisle of Asda we’re going to give Bernie Clifton a wedgie. There, how do you like THAT?
Oh, now this is a tricky one. You know how in fights you’re supposed to pick sides based on the amount of commonalities you share with each party? Well we’re not sure we’re going to be able to do that this time.
Because, if reports are to be believed, an altercation took place in Canada on Monday morning between inexplicably popular celebrity blogger and professional lowest common denominator-panderer Perez Hilton and inexplicably popular musician and professional lowest common denominator-panderer Will.I.Am from the Black Eyed Peas over something or other that nobody could honestly say that they’d ever be able to care about.
Apparently Perez Hilton (who draws penises on people with MS Paint for a living) was beaten up by Will.I.Am (who sings songs about boobies for a living) and his manager, who has since turned himself in and been charged.
Fortunately, both Will.I.Am (who has deliberately given himself one of the two stupidest names in the history of the world) and Perez Hilton (who has deliberately given himself one of the two stupidest names in the history of the world) have made videos giving their side of events. They’re both here, after a brief preamble by this bloke…
So now you know as much as we do about this. The question is now who we should all side with. Here’s our handy cheat-sheet:
REASONS TO SIDE WITH WILL.I.AM:
Could you make it all the way through that screechy video of Perez Hilton without wanting to punch your monitor until your hand falls off? Us neither.
Rather than call the police, Perez Hilton went onto Twitter to ask other people to call the police for him, which literally makes no sense.
Will.I.Am’s notion – that everyone is allowed their own opinion but only if it’s the exact same opinion as Will.I.Am’s opinion because if it isn’t he might get someone to beat you up – isn’t flawed in any way that we can see.
REASONS TO SIDE WITH PEREZ HILTON:
Will.I.Am says that, aside from the scuffle, he had a fun night – even though he was at a Canadian music award show after-party that was also attended by Perez Hilton. We clearly can’t trust anything this man says.
If Will.I.Am goes to jail we’re guaranteed a period of time without any new Black Eyed Peas songs or Wolverine sequels. This is undoubtedly a good thing.
Perez Hilton’s notion – that violence is not the answer and also blah blah blah boo hoo Fergie looks bad in a dress – is similarly free of any obvious flaws.
RESULT:
Oh, who are we kidding? We dislike both of them an equal amount. Shucks, this is just impossible.
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Melodie says
Whatever happens in this life, Will.I.Am will always be the dude who appeared via hologram to speak with Anderson Cooper during the 2008 US presidential election, and for that, I can forgive him anything.
bro says
Will.I.Am acting in Wolverine…Unforgiving.
gilbert wham says
Can we not just agree that they both need a good kicking?
Chrissy says
Breakups are like so hard.
Fernando says
Hilton in the video calling Fergie “fugly” was halarious. I like her but she does look like a toad.