Magazine: The Last of Jennifer Aniston’s Eggs To Chemically Spring Forth All At Once

If you’re a woman and the last of your eggs is about to dry up, what you want to do is moisten it really quick with either mayonnaise or sperm.

Both of those are said to be excellent egg moisturisers, and are pretty much equally inexpensive. If you end up going the mayonnaise route, be warned – in nine months time you could poop out a fully made five-dollar foot-long. We hear this is only painful when its on French bread.

And if you go the sperm route, well, that has consequences too – like having to see John Mayer every other weekend, on some holidays and once in a while at a parent-teacher conference. You don’t want that, do you? Well according to Star Magazine Jennifer Aniston does. They say she’s on fertility drugs in heavy anticipation of receiving his seed.

Jennifer Aniston is almost 40 and she doesn’t even have any stupid kids yet. With a really huge age like that she’s only got two choices in the baby department. One is to get exact duplicates of Angelina Jolie‘s hair style and tattoos, move in over there, lock her competition in the basement and hope Brad Pitt doesn’t stop to think about why the mother of his children suddenly tastes like a love long since past.

Her other option is to fill herself full of fertility drugs and ask John Mayer to politely go to town until they’ve literally made thousands of children all at once. According to Star Magazine she’s going through with option #2:

“In the Nov. 17 issue of Star — on sale now! — we report that Jen has been undergoing fertility treatments, determined to have a pair of babies with John. As we told readers earlier this year, Jen’s biological clock began ticking so loudly that she had some of her eggs frozen just in case she didn’t meet Mr. Right in time. But now that she’s proposed  to John — as Star also reported — and he’s excited about being a dad, she’s doing everything she can to conceive before her 40th birthday in February. She’s even been having alternative medicine treatments to increase her chances of having twins.”

The magazine goes on to say that John is also working hard to impregnate his guitar so that his and Jen’s children will have little baby instruments to strum on should they feel so inclined. It’s in paragraph twelve. We think that part was in paragraph twelve.

If hecklerspray‘s father had followed through on impregnating his tuba like he promised almost three months ago, we’d probably be in a pretty awesome marching band by now.

But we’re not – we’ve learned to live with that. For now we’ll just have to keep walking perfect high-stepping straight lines in our basement bedroom while blowing the approximate theme to Rocky through a soppy-ended paper towel tube.

It’s actually a lot cooler than it looks in writing there.

We swear it is.