John Mayer Bangs On About His Racist Penis

Goodness, where to start with John Mayer’s Playboy interview? The part where he described his ‘white supremacist’ penis?

The use of the N-word? The part where he claimed to have faced similar hardships as black people? The bit where he described what Jessica Simpson was like at sex in unnecessarily graphic detail?

No. For now, let’s just concentrate on the fact that John Mayer decided to give an interview to Playboy, tried his hand at some over-compensatory male banter, succeeded only in offending giant swathes of the population and convinced everyone that he’s even more of a dick than they originally thought. And this is John Mayer, remember, so everyone already thought he was quite a lot of a dick.

To understand John Mayer is to understand that his story is essentially an internal struggle between his puppy-eyed acoustic balladeer super-ego, and the raging id that makes him act like the world’s worst cock every chance he gets. Fortunately, both sides of John Mayer have been interviewed lately. The sappy Mayer super-ego was interviewed by Rolling Stone last month, while the id has been speaking to Playboy. Turns out that John Mayer’s id is a bit of a wanker. Who knew?

We’ll start with the most controversial thing from John Mayer’s Playboy interview. That’d be this line:

“Someone asked me the other day, ‘What does it feel like now to have a hood pass? If you really had a hood pass, you could call it a n—– pass But I said, ‘I can’t really have a hood pass. I’ve never walked into a restaurant, asked for a table and been told, ‘We?re full.'”

We should probably point out that John Mayer has since apologised for the use of this racial slur on Twitter. He hasn’t apologised for essentially comparing the entire black experience to the unimaginable struggle of not getting a nice table at a fancy restaurant without a reservation, though. But maybe that’s because he’s too busy trying to think of how to apologise for calling his penis a white supremacist:

“My dick is sort of like a white supremacist. I?ve got a Benetton heart and a fuckin? David Duke cock. I’m going to start dating separately from my dick.?Kerry Washington would break your heart like a white girl. Just all of a sudden she?d be like, ?Yeah, I sucked his dick. Whatever.'”

But don’t worry. There’s more to John Mayer than a flurry of racially-insensitive remarks. He didn’t get where he is today by simply making a set of sub-Bernard Manning cracks to a titty magazine. No, because that would be forgetting his streak of casual misogyny, as demonstrated by his description of ex-girlfriend Jessica Simpson:

“Yeah, that girl is like crack cocaine to me. Sexually it was crazy. That’s all I’ll say. It was like napalm, sexual napalm. Did you ever say, ‘I want to quit my life and just fuckin’ snort you? If you charged me $10,000 to fuck you, I would start selling all my shit just to keep fucking you.”

Actually, this line is slightly easier to justify. Calling an ex-girlfriend ‘sexual napalm’ in public might not seem like the classiest way to go, but we think we see the connection. John Mayer is saying that Jessica Simpson is thick, and that it burns after you’ve finished having sex with her.

We could be wrong, though.

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  1. Sunny says

    Well one thing apparent- the thing running the John Mayer physical being is the smaller head; the larger head is even more an idiot.

    One thing he’s got right is that sometimes good sex can be like an internal atom bomb. Thing is he had that yet still left it. I guess Napalm sex without cerebral input just NOT all that in the long haul.

    Finding the Napalm sex plus the cerebral copaceticness would perhaps be a form of Nirvana. /ramblings

  2. Ibo says

    Don’t malign decent tools like wrenches and spanners which put in a hard shift and do useful things for the wider community. John Mayer is a useless piece of shit who has never contributed one iota to the world, and his wheezy insincere little songs make me want to hurl.