Oh, now we get it. Now we understand why John Mayer called Jessica Simpson ‘sexual napalm’ recently.
It all makes so much sense. The reason why John Mayer described Jessica Simpson as ‘sexual napalm’ is because her breath smells like a mixture of petrol and burnt flesh. It has to, because Jessica Simpson has just revealed that she only brushes her teeth about three times a week. But it’s OK, because she’ll wipe her teeth with a shirt whenever they get a bit dirty. She’s not a monster or anything.
We’re not making a word of this up, by the way. Jessica Simpson told Ellen DeGeneres, in front of an audience, while she was being filmed by a number of television cameras, that she only brushes her teeth three times a week. If this isn’t an aggressive move on Jessica Simpson’s part to render us obsolete, we don’t know what is.
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John Mayer can’t have known what sort of nightmare he’d stumble into when he called Jessica Simpson ‘sexual napalm’.
But now he knows. Now John Mayer’s going to get his arse handed to him. Worse still, he’s going to get his arse handed to him by Jessica Simpson’s new boyfriend Billy Corgan. And when you’re having your arse handed to you by a wan, squat, snaggle-toothed Count Orlok lookalike whose skin is so pale that it may as well be completely translucent, you know that you’re in trouble.
We’ve just seen the opening salvo of this simmering John Mayer vs Billy Corgan war take place, with Corgan warning Mayer that he’s destroying his own career. Hey Billy, that’s not actually a bad thing! Keep your voice down, you bald idiot!
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Jessica Simpson is good at sex. Better than good. She’s amazing at sex. She is, according to John Mayer, sexual napalm.
What’s sexual napalm? The truth is, we just don’t know. We imagine it means that Jessica Simpson’s vagina can cause severe burns, and that anybody within 100 feet of Jessica Simpson when she has sex runs the risk of dying from heat stroke, dehydration, suffocation or smoke inhalation. The trail of Jessica Simpson’s sexual partners, all of whom are now withered Bombenbrandschrumpfleichen-stricken carcasses, are a testament to this.
But anyway, Jessica Simpson is good at sex. And, as she’s told Oprah Winfrey, she wishes that people would shut up about it.
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Some say that calling his penis a white supremacist in an interview is the worst thing that John Mayer has ever done.
But is it? After all, that would be to discount every song that John Mayer has ever written. And his annoying girl’s voice. And his stupid hair. And his face. And all of his relationships. And everything else that he has done, is doing or will ever do until the end of time. But using a Playboy interview to spout racially-insensitive remarks was sort of stupid, we’ll admit.
And John Mayer is sorry. John Mayer is so sorry that he interrupted a concert to a) explain what a juddering bellend he is and b) promise not to be so awful in the future. And then he carried on playing one of his own songs, which suggests that he hasn’t quite got the hang of the second part yet.
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Goodness, where to start with John Mayer’s Playboy interview? The part where he described his ‘white supremacist’ penis?
The use of the N-word? The part where he claimed to have faced similar hardships as black people? The bit where he described what Jessica Simpson was like at sex in unnecessarily graphic detail?
No. For now, let’s just concentrate on the fact that John Mayer decided to give an interview to Playboy, tried his hand at some over-compensatory male banter, succeeded only in offending giant swathes of the population and convinced everyone that he’s even more of a dick than they originally thought. And this is John Mayer, remember, so everyone already thought he was quite a lot of a dick.
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John Mayer and Jennifer Aniston made an unusual couple, didn’t they? There was the eight-year age difference.
There was the fact that he wasn’t one of her co-stars. There was the fact that he was John Mayer and ugh ugh uggity ugh. We could go on. But anyway, since John Mayer and Jennifer Aniston split up, they’ve both gone on to find happiness elsewhere – Aniston with anybody even tangentially connected with any of films and Mayer with…
No, wait. John Mayer hasn’t found happiness at all. He still misses Jennifer Aniston. Breaking up with her was one of the hardest moments of her life. He feels like an arsehole about it all. No, really – he told Rolling Stone as much. And now we’re telling you. Looks like you got the crappy end of this deal, really.
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We at hecklerspray feel nothing but intense sympathy for the shining beacon of all celebrity cock-drawing that is Perez Hilton after the suffering he must have been through recently.
Not only has he allegedly been attacked by will.i.am/Bill.I.Was/Frank Arnesen/whatever’s manager, he’s now been insulted by a man who vies with Robert Pattinson for the title of ‘Man Who Has Personality Most Like A Brick Wall’ - John Mayer – and the Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation hate him too.
The musicians, the celebrities, the gays – is there anyone who doesn’t hate Perez Hilton?
Anyone? No?
Ah.
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Hats off to CBS – it’s thought long and hard about how to end to the financial crisis and, by jingo, it’s done it!
How? Why, by giving John Mayer his own TV show, of course. No, bear with us. You see, if there’s an hour a week where John Mayer is on TV, it’s bound to scare the public into rushing from their homes screaming – straight to the high street. Thanks to CBS and John Mayer, we’re sure the tinned food, DIY bunker and shotgun industries will all easily avoid collapse!
Seriously, John Mayer’s got a TV show. We’re terrified.
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Hats off to CBS - it's thought long and hard about how to end to the financial crisis and, by jingo, it's done it!
How? Why, by giving John Mayer his own TV show, of course. No, bear with us. You see, if there's an hour a week where John Mayer is on TV, it's bound to scare the public into rushing from their homes screaming - straight to the high street. Thanks to CBS and John Mayer, we're sure the tinned food, DIY bunker and shotgun industries will all easily avoid collapse!
Seriously, John Mayer's got a TV show. We're terrified.
Oh, now we get it. Now we understand why John Mayer called Jessica Simpson ‘sexual napalm’ recently.
