We’ve all been there. You’re hanging out the back of your super-hot celebrity girlfriend when suddenly you think “I’m not emotionally fulfilled here.” Forget the perfect face, the bounteous lips and the banging set of boobs that don’t come out on celluloid except for a $20 million fee. Dammit, you’re more than a robot, and you have feelings, and this woman doesn’t support your desire to create an animatronic version of Led Zeppelin!
You know what you have to do, don’t you? You’ve got to man up and end that relationship. Sure – you’ll feel bad. But don’t. Because it’s the circle of life. And it moves us all: through despair and hope, through faith and love. ‘Til we find our place on the path unwinding. It’s the circle. The circle of life.
Normally, that’d involve going over to their house, sitting them down and explaining things. It’d involve saying you’re sorry, and you’d like to remain friends. It’d involve you being kind, and gentle, and nice. Not so here. You’re my recently-split-from-ex-girlfriend a celebrity! (You bitch, why the fuck did you make me come down to see you during my summer holiday?)
That sort of thing isn’t done in celebrityland. Oh no. You follow these six simple steps to make the process all the more unbearable:
1. Do it in the least caring way possible
Katy Perry possesses enough boobage to suffocate a killer whale. Which is absolutely great. But apparently John Mayer is some sort of raging super homo, because he had enough of Perry (who was herself trying to get over her earlier breakup with Russell Brand). So what do you do? Make the person travel down at their own expense and dump them if you are my ex You break up with them via email. “According to an Us Weekly source, John Mayer quickly grew ?tired of Perry?s hard partying and decided to pull the plug.? Adding more insult to injury, a friend tells the magazine that ?he dumped her over email. She was furious and really hurt. She was into him, but he wasn?t feeling it.?”
To: Katy Perry
From: John Mayer
Subject: Us
Hey,
I’m not really feeling it. l8rz
Jx
This is horrible.
2. Use the internet as a poetry writing class
You’re in the public eye as popular lesbian loved-up couple Tammy Lynn Michaels and Melissa Etheridge! You break up! What could go wrong with you posting some teenage angst poetry about the breakup online?!Lots.You want an example of the poetry, you say? Okay:
no more censorship for me?
well, no censorship?
really, honey?
awesome.
Awesome.
3. Air your dirty laundry in court
You’re Heather Mills-soon-to-not-be-McCartney. Not only has God fucked over your life by robbing you of your leg, but your husband’s also realised you’re into him because of the money and not his badly dyed hair and wants to call it quits. What do you do? Call your husband possessive, threatening and violent, that’s what.
4. Hurt your children!
America’s most loveable drunkard Alec Baldwin won major man points for not only besmirching his ex-wife Kim Basinger, but also his daughter Ireland. Turns out that there are these things called video cameras which can record you calling your offspring “a little pig”. Sheesh.
5. Call your ex-husband a paedophile and gay porn lover
To be fair, this step is pretty much exclusive to Charlie Sheen, who I don’t think exists in the everyday world. Denise Richards had had enough of the guy who supposedly was always WINNING while actually losing his dignity, money and respect for life. So she does what you always do. You run to a magazine and say your ex “belonged to disturbing sites which promoted very young girls, who looked underage to me,” and that they visited sites with “gay pornography also involving very young men who did not look like adults.”
6. Write a breakup song to millions
I like Taylor Swift. FUCK YOU ALL. But the fact that her career is basically her slagging off her exes in the form of a three minute punchy pop song doesn’t make her a good person. Apparently the list of people who have wronged her and come off the worse for it is very long. The Kennedy family could be next, based on current gossip.
So you’ve done all these six simple steps. Congratulations! You’ve ruined my life you heartless bitch managed to emulate a celebrity breakup! Do not pass go, but do collect $200,000 for a tell-all interview with a major gossip magazine in which you can say that you’ve found someone more attractive and less fat and you’re regularly sleeping with them! (Wait, what? The strikethrough button doesn’t work anymore? Oh no. God I hope she reads this. Oh, there you go: it does.)