John Mayer Returns to Music After Two Years of Constant Sex With Hot Women

john-mayerEarlier this week, musician/singer/heartthrob John Mayer performed his first concert in nearly two years, following two surgeries to repair damage to his vocal chords. While it’s easy to write John off … his music is dreadful and he seems like a cocky asshole who probably?smells?…?this concert was a fundraiser, that he helped to organize,?benefiting?firefighters in Montana?who fought a devastating wildfire in August of last year.

John was involved because he owns a home close to the more than 8,500 acres of destroyed?land. The concert?raised more than $100,000, and it is quite charming that he made his return to the stage?to benefit a good cause and for such a comparatively modest crowd. And despite warning the audience that he wasn’t fully recovered, his voice sounded alright.

“Lower your expectations. … I’m working with a limited palette here.”

It must be frustrating for a professional singer to be medically unable to sing, but it’s difficult to sympathize too much with this guy. He told the Montana crowd:

“It’s been a crazy couple of years … going on voice rest, going a little mad.”

Boo hoo, John. Luckily, he could console himself by nailing Katy Perry. I’m willing to bet that his vocal chord issues are?karmic retribution, direct from God, for?the disproportionate amount of primetime ass that he has pegged in his day … in no particular order (and I know we’re all familiar with?the list, but it’s so impressive that it warrants repeating):?Jennifer Aniston, Jessica Simpson (when she was skinny), Jennifer Love Hewitt,?Minka Kelly, Taylor Swift, and now Katy Perry.

With than little rant out of the way, I will also say that I didn’t personally think much of John until I saw him perform?”Human Nature” at Michael Jackson’s memorial service in 2009. Even though he looked like he was orgasming in his pants, his performance stood out.

John’s specific medical problem was?granulomas, growths on?his?vocal chords, for which he required two surgeries, the latest one in May 2012. Evidently,?his throat?was fully?healed nine weeks after surgery, but he was given?Botox injections, not just to keep that heavenly brow satin-smooth, but?also to keep his vocal chords from pressing together during?his recovery.?The injections, which?take six to nine months to wear off,?impact his ability to hit high notes, a staple of his awful, swoony songs. John said of his vocal range:

“It lets up very slowly.?Every couple of weeks, there?s another note.”

Before we go, I would?like to address?that?sexy Santa photo Katy tweeted of John back in December. No self-respecting adult man should ever wear a Santa suit. And you know he has no pants on, and a supermodel or an?Award-winning actress is in the process of blowing him. Santa baby, my ass. It’s nice that he helped the firefighters, but he could help the rest of us by getting over himself.



  1. Sam says

    Very funny. I love John Mayer. I really dislike the amount of hate that gets thrown at him but at least you are open about your envy. Every woman he is with falls in love with him and he is clearly a sex god. Envy is fully justified. And I appreciate that you acknowledge some good things about him. My only argument is if you think his music is awful, then you have only heard a few pop hits. He is a brilliant guitarist and plays an impressive range of musical styles with the best artists in the world.