Oh, now we get it. Now we understand why John Mayer called Jessica Simpson ‘sexual napalm’ recently.
It all makes so much sense. The reason why John Mayer described Jessica Simpson as ‘sexual napalm’ is because her breath smells like a mixture of petrol and burnt flesh. It has to, because Jessica Simpson has just revealed that she only brushes her teeth about three times a week. But it’s OK, because she’ll wipe her teeth with a shirt whenever they get a bit dirty. She’s not a monster or anything.
We’re not making a word of this up, by the way. Jessica Simpson told Ellen DeGeneres, in front of an audience, while she was being filmed by a number of television cameras, that she only brushes her teeth three times a week. If this isn’t an aggressive move on Jessica Simpson’s part to render us obsolete, we don’t know what is.
Remember all those rumours that Jessica Simpson had found love with Billy Corgan? Remember wondering what bonded a statuesque yet famously vacant blonde booby machine like her to a bald, almost-transparent, whining Nosferatu wannabe like him? Well now we know. It’s what we assume is a hideous dental regime.
Corgan’s teeth we know about. They look like little stumpy fangs. They look like he flosses with old ship rope, uses acid as a mouthwash and smashes a breezeblock into his face whenever he loses his toothbrush. But that’s OK because he’s Billy Corgan. His fans want him to look a bit like a sex pest who lives on a traffic island. But we expected better of Jessica Simpson.
But no. Because Jessica Simpson apparently only brushes her teeth three times a week. Honestly. Here’s what she told Ellen DeGeneres, as UsMagazine reports:
The singer, 29, admits in an episode of The Ellen DeGeneres Show that she only brushes her teeth “maybe three times a week.” Why? “Because my teeth are so white and I don’t like them to feel too slippery but I do use Listerine and I do floss everyday,” she explains. “But I don’t brush them every day. I need a little coating….” Instead, she’ll “use a shirt or something” to scrub her chompers clean.
See? There’s a perfectly reasonable explanation for it! Her teeth are too slippery! At least that’s better than the excuse we were expecting, which was that she keeps forgetting what her dental equipment looks like and that brushing your teeth with a toilet brush covered in tomato puree gets old after about the first 40 or 50 times.
But still, it’s nice to see the trend developing. First she appears in a magazine without any make-up on, then she stops brushing her teeth. Next thing we know Jessica Simpson will go out in public with dirty great fistfuls of pubic hair poking out of her hotpants, and then she’ll grow her monobrow back in, and then she’ll stop washing her face until it becomes covered with unsightly boils that erupt and trickle pus into her mouth without a moment’s warning.
And we still won’t notice because she’s got quite big boobs. The world’s funny like that.
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pattyrocks says
Hey!! I’m trying to eat breakfast here…
Riley says
YOU ARE THE BIGGEST FAG ON THE FACE OF THE PLANET!!! BILLY CORGAN IS IN NO WAY A WANNABE, HE IS A REVOLUTIONARY IN THE THE STALE WORLD OF MUSIC AND IS A TRUE ROCK AND ROLL ORIGINAL. BY THE WAY YOUR’E A PIECE OF SHIT.
dickiedaviseyes says
Ha ha he called him a Nosferatu wannabe you massive spanner.
Take a bit of a break from obsessively Googling Billy Corgan and look it up. Then you may resume smashing your ham fists angrily on your keyboard to create your most witty and erudite postings.
Jacqui says
Fail.
????????? ?????? ????? says
I love you Jess!