Taylor Swift has gotten a lot of shit over the years for her extremely publicized romantic relationships and, I mean, let’s be real, she brings a lot of it on herself. She kind of puts all her shit out there for everyone to see. I mean, if T-Swizzle were a regular twenty-something girl, she’d be the chick that puts every detail of every relationship in her Facebook status, know what I’m sayin’?
Anyway, Taylor Swift has dated some jerks and some gems, and, given the fact that I have a love/hate relationship with T Swift, I’ve decided to sit down and do a definitive ranking of the top 10 guys she’s dated from worst to best. Yes, I know, the fact that a grown woman is spending her evening doing this is goddamn tragic.
10. John Mayer
To the surprise of no one, I consider John Mayer to be Taylor Swift’s shittiest alleged ex-boyfriend. First of all, let’s be real, John Mayer is a mega douche nozzle. Second of all, she was still a teenager (and obviously an emotionally volatile one who takes love super serious 4 realz. I mean, listen to her music) and he was a 30-something when they worked together and he was macking on that. It’s like dude, come on, she’s just a kid. In her song about him, “Dear John”, she even sings: “Don’t you think I was too young to be messed with?” John went on to tell Rolling Stone magazine that he was really humiliated by the song, but what does your grown ass expect when you go messing around with teenage girls?! What an idiot.
9. Joe Jonas
Aside from the fact that Joe Jonas was legit only relevant for like an hour and isn’t even the hottest Jonas brother (holla at me, Nick), he was actually kind of a dick to poor T. Swift, breaking up with the then 18-year-old in a 27 second phone conversation. I assume the call went like this:
Taylor: “Hello?”
Joe: “I’M OUT, BITCH! IMMA HUMP ON CAMILLA BELL’S FINE ASS! LATER! SEE YA NEVER!”
Taylor: “Joe?”
Dial tone.
Surprise, surprise, she went on to write a song about the break-up titled “Forever and Always.” Of course, Swifty really got the last laugh here, as she’s one of the biggest stars in the world and he’s…well…I honestly don’t even know, and if I don’t know I assume he’s up to nothing.
8. Lucas Till
Ok, so remember when Taylor Swift was like total BFF with Miley Cyrus? Because guess what? Like five years ago that was a thing. So much so that, first, Miley loaned out then boyfriend, Justin Gaston, to star in Taylor’s “Love Story” video, THEN, she set Taylor up with her Hannah Montana movie co-star, Lucas Till, who went on to star in the video for the song that made me fucking love Taylor, “You Belong With Me”. They dated for a couple of months after the video, but it didn’t last long and, as far as everyone knows, no songs were written about this guy so I guess it was all pretty amicable. He’s only so close to being her worst ex because 1) he didn’t get a song, and 2) aside from his relationship with Taylor, he really has no significance to me.
7. Taylor Lautner
Remember Taylor squared?! Back in 2010, a 20-year-old T. Swizzle did a bit of cradle robbing by dating a 17-year-old Taylor Lautner, forming Taylor Squared: the squintiest couple on the planet. They did wholesome shit like eat ice cream and go bowling, however, unlike most of the guys on this list, it was actually Taylor SWIFT who dumped Taylor LAUTNER after a few months. However, she apparently felt really bad about the whole thing and regretted it and penned the song “Back to December” about the whole sitch. Maybe Tay Lautz should be closer to the best because he didn’t actually dump Swifty, but how fucking lame and boring do you have to be for Taylor fucking Swift to dump you?! Plus I really fucking hate those Twilight movies. Ugh.
6. Conor Kennedy
Back in 2012, 22-year-old Taylor Swift had an intense summer fling with American royalty a.k.a. 18-year-old Conor Kennedy. Yeah, he’s one of those Kennedy’s. Shit got intense pretty quick, and I actually consider this relationship to be the one that got Taylor her “crazy girlfriend” reputation. They were dating only a month when Taylor bought a house close to the Kennedy compound and then allegedly crashed Conor’s cousin’s wedding uninvited, which kind of took all the attention off the bride and thus the Kennedy family was like “Who is this bitch?!” They broke up in early fall because Taylor had to go on tour, and, well, Conor had to go to school. I mean, the guy WAS a teenager. He falls in the middle of the list because he’s a Kennedy, which is pretty cool, but he didn’t get a song, and outside of his relationship with Taylor, he wasn’t exactly a known figure. He’s not amazing, but he’s not shitty. He’s right around the middle.
5. Cory Monteith
People have a real tendency to forget that before he was humping on Lea Michele’s annoying, future trick loving ass, Cory Monteith actually had a very sweet brief little relationship with Taylor Swift. In summer 2010 they were spending all sorts of time together and often blushed when interviewers brought the other up to them. Though they never confirmed they were dating, they were pretty inseparable for a few months and Cory even admitted that Taylor was his celebrity crush and, allegedly, the song “Mine” was written about Cory shortly after they met, as Taylor explained:
[It’s about a guy] that I just barely knew put his arm around me by the water, and I saw the entire relationship flash before my eyes.
Cory is definitely in the top five best guys she may or may not have dated, but was at the very least linked to. Too bad he’s dead :(
4. Chord Overstreet
What can I say? Taylor Swift thinks the guys from Glee are really cute. And, let’s be real: they are. These two briefly dated in 2011, and the only reason I’m putting Chord any higher than Cory Monteith (who I consider to be the cuter of the two), is because these two seemed like a better fit. They were closer in age, both grew up loving country music, and have very similar looks. They were actually a really cute little blond couple for a brief period of time and there is apparently no bad blood between the two (no songs either, though).
3. Zac Efron
Let’s be real: Zac Efron is in the top five hottest guys in Hollywood. As Seth Rogen so eloquently put it in the movie Neighbors:
He’s like something a gay guy designed in a laboratory!
There are only two reasons to not put him at the top of list of Taylor Swift’s alleged ex’s:
1) Their relationship was only rumored, never confirmed, and 2) He had a pretty bad coke and alcohol problem. Not that I’m judging that at all, but I feel like that’s something that wouldn’t really fly for Taylor Swift, so he might not be an ideal love interest for our sweet T. Swizzle.
2. Harry Styles
Here’s the thing: even though I am a soon-to-be 28-year-old married woman, I fucking love Harry Styles. I mean, he’s like a young Mick Jagger and I can even overlook the fact that he’s in the poor man’s modern day Backstreet Boys, just because he’s so fucking good-looking. Aside from the fact that he is a worldwide catch that little girls (and grown women) around the world would kill to make out with, Taylor got some really quality tunes out of their shitty break-up (“I Knew You Were Trouble” is a JAM). Sure it didn’t work out and he dumped her and started dating Kendall Jenner (let’s be a real: a Kardashian sister is probably going to put out more than Taylor Swift), but the guy is a total catch and at the end of the day, like I said, she got some hit songs out of the whole thing. Plus, might I re-iterate:
1. Jake Gyllenhaal
Fact: Jake Gyllenhaal really has a thing for cute little blonds (see: Taylor Swift, Reese Witherspoon, and Kiersten Dunst). Fact: Jake Gyllenhaal is an Academy Award nominated, super-talented mega hunk. Fact: Even though he dumped her, Taylor Swift got some of her best songs on her last album out of their break-up (“We Are Never Getting Back Together” is fucking gold). Ok, so maybe he took her virginity and dumped her not long after, but losing your v-card to Jake Gyllenhaal and making the best album of your career so far based on the whole thing isn’t such a bad deal. It’s like: Oh, you lost your virginity to your high school boyfriend, that is cute. I lost mine to a guy who got nominated for an Oscar for having fake sex with Heath fucking Ledger. Kid yourself.
day says
T Swift
Should Really consider dating someone who’s NOT a mega celebrity. I think too many celebs get all wrapped up in the Hollywood chic scene and forget about NORMAL people with NORMAL feelings and everything is about being seen and being on magazine covers, next thing you know your Paris or Kim K. . Try normal people for once. I know if I was a celeb I would ONLY do that..